Young Writers Society

Hey star! I'm ready to review some more 2020 star poetry! And you're really helping me with team tortoise XD I shall now review the work.

Going back onto your themes, when I started with your portfolio, I liked the originality with differences of a robot or the outsider element of "The Stargazer." Not to say that your writing style isn't beautiful, but I can just see in the small amount of time I have read most of your poems, it might be getting a little stale. While each piece of writing is original, I can see you gear towards things such as the sun, wings, and drowning. Maybe instead of writing your feelings, you can write in characters who are feeling those feelings like in "Gears." And to help with the mild repetitiveness of your connections, take a second to look around or just think. What is the first thing you see or think of, and how can you tie it in with the theme you are trying to portray. I just know that you are a strong writer and I want you to push yourself more. Your writing can only get better when you want it to. Even if this is 2020 star poetry, she needs some critiques from me. <33333

Okay now that that's out of the way, let me praise the work. Even with the critique of the "repetitiveness" I see you used somethings you've never used before such as

Particles scattering like dandelion seeds, i shut out a heart that beats too many times a day

and i am left to drown in a mixture of oxygen and my chemical waste

i have lived with myself for fifteen
years but i am still a stranger
in my skin

i am at a place i call home
but i don't know where
i am.

Hi Star! I haven't reviewed in like a year or so, so I hope this review is good and helpful.

First things first, I would like to start by saying that you are clearly a really good poet. Your images are unique and fascinating. For example, the image of a butterfly turning into a caterpillar really stood out to me. "Silky chrysalis" is just *chef's kiss*. I also love the image of the narrator losing their wings and then feeling no better for it. Your diction is great too. In case you are wondering, stanza four is my favorite. Incredible images and lines there.

While your images are interesting and unique, I felt that you didn't delve into them deep enough. I would love to understand more how the narrator feels after shedding their wings. I want to understand more about the butterfly turning into the caterpillar.
I also felt that the first half of your poem isn't as put together and good as the second half. As a reader, I felt like I understood what was happening and how the images connected more so in the second half.

While your diction is great, I noticed that your line breaks are a bit awkward and took me out of your poem when reading it.
For example, let’s look at your second stanza:

my skeleton is a citadel, but there
is nothing left to protect - as my bones
wear away, particles scattering like
dandelion seeds, i shut out a heart
that beats too many times a day

particles scattering
like dandelion seeds

particles scattering like
dandelion seeds

my skeleton is a citadel,
but there is nothing left to protect -
as my bones wear away, particles scattering
like dandelion seeds,
i shut out a heart that beats
too many times a day

the sunbeams feel like dirt
in my fingers, gritty and coarse,

the sunbeams here feel like dirt
in my fingers, gritty and coarse
it sets aflame my carbon-based

it sets aflame my carbon-based
plastic skin, and the ugly scars
left behind burn under fluorescent bulbs

but there isn't one within reach, and i am left

thank you

This poem is: Gorgeous. Emotionally raw and heartbreakingly honest. REAL. Yet meticulously well conducted, and filled with interesting detail. It is the girl next door who openly expresses her emotional loneliness in the privacy of her diary, only to later reveal her true feelings publicly, if only to see the awe struck mouths of the dumbstruck masses hang agape.
Awe at your talent, is how I feel. "Awesome" aptly describes professional level poem. Reading it left me speechless.
I held this review, for lack of a problem to present you. Problem????...
The "Type"(the way it looks like a grey Crayola?) of this poem was difficult to read for me-but I'm probably just going blind XD

This is art right here. This is serious art. The message and overall theme is very memorable and terrifyingly philosophical. The existential vibes and ideals that are brought here can resonate with just about everyone. I am awfully curious as to what was the inspiration; memories you have, thoughts you have had, music, a book, a painting, etc.

The diction that you chose works very well with eloquent and abstract emotions you're trying to project through this piece. The juxtaposition of the descriptive comparisons such as "sunbeams", "plastic skin", and "fluorescent bulbs", "skeleton" and "citadel", "dandelion seeds", "bathtub" and "chemical waste", are truly lovely. I can feel the questioning and lost mind of the narrator. This artificial and material view of the narrator's self with the nature-like descriptions make this a truly artful piece of literature. My favorite stanza in particular is the third using the butterfly imagery as a metaphor for what the narrator is experiencing.

My only critiques at times the lines and couplets sometimes disconnect from each other word wise and image wise; which can become a disservice to the power of the mood. The transition from the sunbeam to skeleton could use what I call a "guiding line", something ease the reader and/or speaker into the slightly darker picture. This could work, though, if your intention is to make a more shocking and dramatic entrance with the new images.

Knowing from experience, when dealing with a deep, theoretical topic it's easy for the couplets to get wordy and muddled from all the word choices and imagery we try to add. Kudos to you for not going down that rabbit hole. The words flow nicely off the tongue despite, the at-times, inconsistent rhythm (which works in this case to keep the disconnected mood).

The choice to begin all words lowercase as well as the absence of periods adds this extra layer that shouldn't work well, but does.

Well done *clapping with standing ovation*.

"A writer is an underrated artist. Remarkable in ways that many forms of art cannot grasp. Not only do they chose the materials, the paints and colors, the stage, the sounds to place together into a work; they make them." - quote by me.

You are an artist.

You put it into words :o

But in all seriousness, this is so beautiful and poignant <3 <3

Ahhh, what a great poem... The message here was so deep and cutting—unable to truly identify who you are despite having all the time in the world to figure yourself out, or perhaps having lost that sense of identity you once had as a child and now being suddenly thrust into this feeling of hopelessness, aimlessness, whatever you might call it.

At least, that's what I grasped from this!

I really enjoyed your rich use of word choice and all the literary devices you used throughout, especially the contrasting imagery between nature and manmade objects. For example, "sunbeams" vs "carbon-based plastic", "skeleton" vs "citadel", "oxygen" vs "chemical waste", etc. etc. I liked how these highlighted the disconnect between the narrator's view of themselves and the world around them, as if the narrator sees themselves as artificial rather than natural, unused to the organic butterfly wings they were born with.

One thing I would say is that, at least to me, each stanza didn't seem to connect with each other in terms of imagery. In the first three stanzas, you go from descriptions of sunbeams to skeletons to a bathtub which felt jarring and left me somewhat bewildered, especially since they were very evocative descriptions. It was almost as if each stanza could be treated as a standalone rather than one work altogether.

(However, I do recognize how the general ideas in each stanza string together to create the bigger picture of the poem. I think that makes up for the disconnected imagery in a way? And to be honest, I see a lot of "disconnected imagery/ideas" in my own poetry as well, haha.)

In future poems, I would recommend keeping the original set up of the poem in mind and following a natural path of progression as you write. How do the themes in each line/couplet/stanza relate to each other? How do they match? How do they flow together?

Sorry that got a little wordy! Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem and loved the message throughout. I'll have to read your previous work as well!