*removed*
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Ah, I can understand your need to concentrate on NaNo so no worries my dear and first of all I'd like to say that I love how you ended this part! The pure irony of 'As the king commands' is brilliant and I'm very glad Dominic didn't kill the girl but perhaps one of the men behind him should have? In general, you have some exquisite detail and description, as always, and I like the idea of the use of magic to create a ladder. Very good thinking. Here's a few things I'd like to comment on -
Dominic swallowed heavily as he saw them staring at him. He didn't know exactly what to tell them…so he decided not to any sort of inspirational speech. [A word or two missing from that last part and it could be reworded. Perhaps something like 'so he decided against an inspirational speech.']
He heard the loud sounds of many feet marching behind him. ['Loud sounds' isn't very descriptive and lately you describe it as quiet so maybe take another look at that?]
Dominic, slightly surprised at the enthusiasm of the response [Perhaps enthusiastic response would sound smoother?] but encouraged nonetheless, turned forward, raising the sword slightly.
The archers fell to the rear and readied their bows, the short-sword's [Not sure about the punctuation here. Maybe without the apostrophe?] men kneeling in front of them, weapons drawn and faces grim.
Overall, some excellent work, loving Dominic's character still and I look forward to more. Also, let me know when you post any of that November novel, I'd love to take a look.
24 is right.
You forgot a word, tsk tsk.
raising
I believe it would be "short-swords men," but I'm not sure.
He waited for several soldiers to enter a castle? Is he suisidal or something? I think you need to increased the numbers here a LOT. Castles take TON and TONS of men to take. I know he's not trying to take the castle, but he wouldn't even be able to get in and out alive without LOTS of men. Trust me on this one, I've been to a lot of castles.
led not lead.
Yes, and I'm sorry, Raztik. But a counterattack is not the wise way to go!" Mariamne said urgently. "You must send a message to the Nameless King, set a day for an assigned battle so that it will be fair - no surprise attacks."
That's kind of a modern-sounding term. You might say, "not the wise thing to do," or something of the sort.
Okay...err...that's it.
-GJ