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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Okay, what's with the two random weirdos? I didn't expect them...anyway I'm sure you have your reasons and blah, blah, blah, so I'll stop ranting.
Besides that random part it was good and I liked it a lot!
-me
THat was suprisingly good, not that your not good, i wouldnt know, but that was quite an amazingly good story. Are you going to continue with it? was that the prologue or something? I hope to here more of this, the best of luck to you!
Hooooorrrraaaayyyyyy!!!!!! Yea, I'm back and now I'm gonna crit the rest of your story. Hooray! Ahem. Uh, I liked it as much as the rest of the parts. I still like Seden but I couldn't tell if the woman without the bowl of bubbles was a woman or not. I think you sjhould be a bit more specific.
He he... Uh, It was good, again. One thing, I wouldn't have deLicio rub a golden coin right in front of the kings face, tis a bit obvios. That was about all I could find so... Bye.
~Pol~
Awwww! Valery and Delucio are so sweet together. And they're both a touch twisted so that makes a perfect match =) Your descriptions are good and I love the two random characters, especially Annie. Will they be making an appearance later in the story? If not then that part was a touch long but if it's a foundation for later interaction, that's okay. Just the one specific point -
When they hit the ground, they disappeared, and Seden looked up to see that the strange duo had disappeared down the path.
Other than that, I can't fault you on your writing and I think this is going really well.
LOL, Cat and Annie are so funny! "I have come to conquer the world!"
And I *do* think it would be good for Valery and deLucio together. Not just for one night, I mean a proper relationship.
Missing a full stop? Start a new sentance with "I am also never purposefully deceitful."
I don't know, this is extreme nitpick here, but the repetition of him doesn't seem right here.
Good chapter, and I hope we see more of Cat and Annie!