Young Writers Society

Hello dear! Wonderful as always though I do think the love interest is starting to be a little drawn out. Time for them to start acting on it perhaps? Your characters are still going strong which is great and you have some excellent dialogue. I think the interaction with the other shyzels was fine and you managed to bring in quite a lot of information without info dumping. I'm picky though so here's a list of suggestions -

He wondered if he made her nervous...but no. [An ellipse is the same as any other piece of punctuation. It follows straight after a word and then there is a space before the next word. I'll try to point out your other uses of it.]

I had heard rumors, but...we'd [Ellipse.] never seen them, so I thought they were just that - rumors."

"I want to go see them and all, but...there's [Ellipse.] snow [Either in or on should be here.] the Cranes!

"Um...take [Ellipse.] your shirt? Off your back?"

"Er...um...nothing," said Kiera, blinking. [Ellipses.]

It's just that I've never actually...never mind. [Ellipse.]

Now the only way to keep her face out of the wind was to lay her head on Brad's bare back.

"Why aren't you...what..." she looked down at his feet. [Ellipse.]

The muscles of his shoulders bulged for a moment, then Kiera gasped as a sudden heat burned her face [Maybe skin or flesh to avoid repetition?]. She threw her hands up in front of her face and turned away, panting.

It was perfectly dry and felt pleasantly sun-warmed.

The snow in the hole where she stood had melted in a wide circle and Brad sat in the mud at her feet, dazed expression on his [s]feet[/s] face.

Kiera peered at the arrow that had almost killed them and drew in a breath when she saw it was embedded into the tree almost halfway up [s]it's[/s] its stem.

To have such strength resting gently near her bones, to know that the gentle, comforting hand could so easily snap her neck...it [Ellipse.] was a frightening thought.

All of the Shyzel were incredibly tall - most of the men were taller even than Brad, who was over seven feet tall himself. [A little awkward. Perhaps 'All of the Shyzel were incredibly tall - most of the men surpassed even Brad's height.' would work better and the reader already knows that Brad is exceptionally tall.]

But a new Mercenary group must be formed, and Valery and Erik must rejoin their [s]clanss[/s] clans.

But after the battle, a new Mercenary group will be formed...can [Ellipse.] you assure me that neither Brad, Valery or I will be in it?"

I...I [Ellipse.] don't know," he said finally.

Overall, very well written. Could have more scenery description but generally developing well.

I haven't been on in forever, so I might be a bit out of context, but I think I've read all of them up to here (correct me if you noticed that I missed one). Anywho, back to the critique.

Darius started back and stared at Brad incredulously. A murmur swept through the silent group of Shyzel, and as one their eyes swept up and fixed directly on Brad. He gulped and smiled, holding up his hands.