For critique, two parts stood out to me in this piece.
When Erik, Valery, and Brad start talking, I wanted just a little more description than first, second, and third figure. I’d really like to at least have genders assigned. Similarly, when you’re describing them for the first time, you don’t mention their arms until you come to Brad. Until then, I was picturing harpies: wings instead of arms entirely, and only logic later on did I figure out that this wasn’t the case.
The second is the very end of the chapter. After Brad lists out the crimes their people did on their slaves, I expected some sort of stuttering protest, some denial, or justification. Likewise, saying that being yelled at by a tall monster wasn’t quite a ‘changing’ experience. It might start one, but I think the word ‘changed’ is a little harsh there.
What I really liked about this piece was the set up; it’s interesting, you immediately want to know more about these three characters. We’re immediately on their side. The description is clear, you have some beautiful similes and a lovely, almost classical style, and the first three lines of dialog are compelling, though the more Brad says the more I’m surprised to hear words come out of his mouth. His first line gave the impression of a different sort of personality, which actually I think I like more. It makes him more complex. More importantly, I’m now fairly eager to read the next part of the book.
Thanks for sharing!
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
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