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heartache (song/ballard)

by seekingthetruth


life is dull 

its taken its toll

I am a walking doll 

looking like a troll 

boys bring heartache 

boys bring heartache

text me I cry no response 

he cant hear me but he can

give me heartache 

HEARTACHE 

HEARTACHE 

let me take you away and hide your 

HEARTACHE TONIGHT


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127 Reviews


Points: 6630
Reviews: 127

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Tue May 28, 2019 4:24 am
xJade wrote a review...



Wesh! Professor Jade here for a quick review.

This is a very relatable poem. Here is my pro and con list.

PROS:
Flow and rhyme scheme is good. I could see this as a song but maybe specify what music it is. And what instrument. Pop and piano? Country and guitar?

CONS: Is a bit repetitive and not nearly long enough. Add stanzas between the verses maybe?

Overall: I liked it! Keep up the good work and I hope to read some more of your work soon.

-Professor JadeLotus




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126 Reviews


Points: 83
Reviews: 126

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Wed May 08, 2019 5:54 am
Anma wrote a review...



Hello!!!

I gotta say I love this. Specially cause it's TRUE, and I can totally relate. Anyways, this was really nice and simple. I loved the topic you based it on. I feel it give girls more reason to not be sad. It's normal, honestly, but it's okay. Theres one thing I would suggest... but again it's just a suggestion. So the line were you put "text me I cry no response". First it missing punctuation, specially cause of the way you wrote it. Also it seems to be a bit confusing to understand... but mostly just fix punctuation.

"text me, I cry, no response."

Either than that it's good.

I hope to see more like this!!

Have a great day!!

Sincerely
Anma




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274 Reviews


Points: 22619
Reviews: 274

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Wed May 08, 2019 2:48 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @seekingthetruth I am going to do a quick review on your poem,

Little things

So I can say there were something that i was not shore about, but I sore all ready that @Zeltornintha all ready pointed that out to you, so yeah just keep it in mind of what he said, cores that is what I think about some lines, I did see that he did not point out anything about your riming, at the beginning of the poem your riming things really well, and then at the next bit of the poem before you no it all the riming that you were doing is gone. I think that its could have been better if you made it so that the riming was not so persistent at the beginning, and then you could have spread all the riming out a bit.

Description

So I thought the description was great, I think you have done, this poem really well, in the best of ways, I think you have a grate talent for writing poems, I really like the riming at the beginning of the poem as well.

So that is all that I can say about this poem. If I came a cross as being mean and harsh and just not very nice then I am so sorry pleas forgive me for it. So keep up the great poem writing I look forward to reading more.

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill




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Points: 667
Reviews: 2

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Tue May 07, 2019 9:49 pm
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Zeltornintha wrote a review...



Hi @seekingthetruth I am here to do a review on your poem here, so I notes ed a lot of repeated lines in this poem so I will just get though's lines, there just two.

boys bring heartache

boys bring heartache


so this is the first place I sore the repeating lines

HEARTACHE

HEARTACHE


And this is the second time. so I just feel like reapting the same line twice is a little bit boring for the reader to read the same line again because, at that point there thinking, "I all ready read this line am I going nuts and reading over the same one," That does happen sometimes, or the reader could be think something else, but I tell you that is not a great way to do with lines, maybe what you can do is separate both the lines into different places of the poem, that mite help with it. So that is all that was not great about the poem, the rest was fine and great with flowing with the poem.

I hope this review is okay if you have any problems with it then just tell me, and I will apologize in meditatively. This is really a nice poem with a little bit of work I am shore it will be ten times better. I hope you have a good Day/Night

Your Friend @Zeltornintha






if you use repetition then it highlights the emotive lauange




Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.
— Robert Brault