Young Writers Society

Hi. I'm Tawsif and I'm gonna review this piece.

You added some elements of suspense in your story and it was appreciable. I liked the content of this story very much.

Here's some mistakes I found:

'Foggy and isolated I wondered through the eerie grounds of the castle.'

Add a comma after isolated.

'Would I escape the impending doom or would I die here like my predecessors before me , who tried to solve the mystery of the castle that no one has owned but people die in unexplained circumstances.'

I think a question mark is missing.

Another point I'd like to add is you may have some problems in maintaining the sequence of events in a story. I had the same for some time. It's like you're just so worried to put the sequence of events in your story that you forget about other things, like whether the description is losing life or not. For instance, I often wrote in my stories lines like, 'Couple of minutes later', 'And then', 'After reaching there' and things like that. But if you read the stories of popular and well-established writers, you'll hardly find any lines like this.

If you find this hard to understand, then read these suggestions for your story.

'After I came into the castle I noticed that it was deserted , like the mary celeste.'

Here you could've written:

'I rushed to the castle. (Then add a different para)

The inside of the castle was deserted, like the mary celeste.'

This reads better, doesn't it? The reason behind this is here I'm telling the story in a sequential way, like this happened after this, and that after this, and so on. Rather, I'm trying to portray what inner conflicts and understandings are taking place inside the character's mind. This way your reader will him/herself in the story.

Regardless, it was a good story. I appreciate it.

Don't hesitate to ask me questions if you don't get what I meant.

Keep writing.

Some quick editing things, in the first paragraph, wondered I think should be wandered. the phrase "swung back and forwards" sounds smoother as "swung forwards and back".

Other than those small notes I really enjoy your premise! I am interested to see where you are going to take the story and am looking forward to reading more chapters in the future.

Hello,

I like where this story is going... It's sort of spooky and has a creepy atmosphere to it. You're right, leaving these stories on cliffhangers is probably the best way to keep us wanting more (even though personally, I hate cliffhangers lol). But anyway, I like the idea of this story and now I'll point out some things you could work on to make it even better!

Foggy and isolated I wondered through the eerie grounds of the castle.

Running with the fear of death, I ran towards the rickety castle and banged on the door with fear

shrieking with terror I reached for the door handle and ran out of the room as fast as I could.

Would I escape the impending doom or would I die here like my predecessors before me , who tried to solve the mystery of the castle that no one has owned but people die in unexplained circumstances.

this I think is one of my best works because I have included pathetic fallacy , visual imagaery and semantic fields. I really enjoyed writing this because I just let my imagination run with me to set a quite gothic scene for my readers , creating suspense and tension. it also shows to me I can use different sentence types but could need some work on my structure because I just wrote in blocks and not in chunks this would of created even more suspense and would want the reader to know what happens next. I eneded on a cliffhanger because it is the most effective way lto make the reader want to know what happens next , so it grips them into a trance.


7.5/10