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short story opening chapter.

by seekingthetruth


Darkness had risen and the clouds had formed a murky fog that spread like a wildfire. Foggy and isolated I wondered through the eerie grounds of the castle. All was quiet and calm until the trees began to sway , the shadows rose from the graves and the gates swung back and forwards making a screeching sound. 

Running with the fear of death, I ran towards the rickety castle and banged on the door with fear. Slowly the door began to open, and I ran inside before the weather could pull me into the underworld. After I came  into the castle I noticed that it was deserted , like the mary celeste. 

Suddenly out of nowhere the clock struck midnight and noises from the underworld began to coincide with the living. Shivering with terror and death I slowly walked along the creaking floorboards. Each step I climbed I felt the walls quiver with laughter and terror. As I reached the penultimate step the ground began to shake with screams of past investigators who searched the castle for answers.  Running from the penultimate step I tripped and fell into a passage. 

When I awoke I was bewildered  with shock because right in front of me was a rotting corpse. shrieking with terror I reached for the door handle and ran out of the room as fast as I could. 

What was going on here? Would I escape the impending doom or would I die here like my predecessors before me , who tried to solve the mystery of the castle that no one has owned but people die in unexplained circumstances.


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27 Reviews


Points: 87
Reviews: 27

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Tue May 07, 2019 7:33 am
Tawsif wrote a review...



Hi. I'm Tawsif and I'm gonna review this piece.

You added some elements of suspense in your story and it was appreciable. I liked the content of this story very much.

Here's some mistakes I found:

'Foggy and isolated I wondered through the eerie grounds of the castle.'

Add a comma after isolated.

'Would I escape the impending doom or would I die here like my predecessors before me , who tried to solve the mystery of the castle that no one has owned but people die in unexplained circumstances.'

I think a question mark is missing.

Another point I'd like to add is you may have some problems in maintaining the sequence of events in a story. I had the same for some time. It's like you're just so worried to put the sequence of events in your story that you forget about other things, like whether the description is losing life or not. For instance, I often wrote in my stories lines like, 'Couple of minutes later', 'And then', 'After reaching there' and things like that. But if you read the stories of popular and well-established writers, you'll hardly find any lines like this.

If you find this hard to understand, then read these suggestions for your story.

'After I came into the castle I noticed that it was deserted , like the mary celeste.'

Here you could've written:

'I rushed to the castle. (Then add a different para)

The inside of the castle was deserted, like the mary celeste.'

This reads better, doesn't it? The reason behind this is here I'm telling the story in a sequential way, like this happened after this, and that after this, and so on. Rather, I'm trying to portray what inner conflicts and understandings are taking place inside the character's mind. This way your reader will him/herself in the story.

Regardless, it was a good story. I appreciate it.

Don't hesitate to ask me questions if you don't get what I meant.

Keep writing.






thanks so much



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Points: 25
Reviews: 4

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Tue May 07, 2019 1:24 am
tupa42 wrote a review...



Some quick editing things, in the first paragraph, wondered I think should be wandered. the phrase "swung back and forwards" sounds smoother as "swung forwards and back".

Other than those small notes I really enjoy your premise! I am interested to see where you are going to take the story and am looking forward to reading more chapters in the future. :)






thank u so much



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114 Reviews


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Mon May 06, 2019 6:36 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

I like where this story is going... It's sort of spooky and has a creepy atmosphere to it. You're right, leaving these stories on cliffhangers is probably the best way to keep us wanting more (even though personally, I hate cliffhangers lol). But anyway, I like the idea of this story and now I'll point out some things you could work on to make it even better!

Foggy and isolated I wondered through the eerie grounds of the castle.


In this sentence, "wondered" should be "wandered". A small typo.

Running with the fear of death, I ran towards the rickety castle and banged on the door with fear


This sentence sounds kind of weird to read because of the way you repeated the word "fear". There's other sentences like this too where you use the same word, so I would suggest using synonyms or something to make it flow better.

shrieking with terror I reached for the door handle and ran out of the room as fast as I could.


The beginning of this sentence should start with a capital letter... a small grammar error.

Would I escape the impending doom or would I die here like my predecessors before me , who tried to solve the mystery of the castle that no one has owned but people die in unexplained circumstances.


This entire sentence is phrased as a question so it should end with a question mark... be careful of these.

Anyway, that's all I really found. I hope to read more of your writing in the future!

Keep Writing. :)






omg thank u so much you will be seeing more of my writing very soon



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31 Reviews


Points: 278
Reviews: 31

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Mon May 06, 2019 5:44 pm
seekingthetruth says...



this I think is one of my best works because I have included pathetic fallacy , visual imagaery and semantic fields. I really enjoyed writing this because I just let my imagination run with me to set a quite gothic scene for my readers , creating suspense and tension. it also shows to me I can use different sentence types but could need some work on my structure because I just wrote in blocks and not in chunks this would of created even more suspense and would want the reader to know what happens next. I eneded on a cliffhanger because it is the most effective way lto make the reader want to know what happens next , so it grips them into a trance.


7.5/10





"And the rest is rust and stardust."
— Vladimir Nabokov