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war of the gods

by seekingthetruth


Tears of sadness wept through the world as the mighty gods clashed with utter force using their very predictable powers , thunder , lightning and of course , rain. Crashes of thunder followed by a quick concession of lightning hit the world with a devastation blast.

Devastation and despair the world was in an awful predicament , Zeus and Hades were the two responsible , the war between the two gods had started when i was born 18 years ago and no one ,knows why or how it started but for 18 long devastating years the war took its toll on humanity summers were no longer hot , winter was like a volcano had gone off and the skies were full of dark ash. 

The world had enough of this endless , bitter war and the world needed protecting from the gods who’s feuds would end up on earth and earth became the battleground for the gods. The world needed a miracle to stop the world being destroyed by two supreme gods who loved to lash out at each other and that miracle was me , this is the story of how i ended a 18 year old war. 

It was a depressing day in washington DC ( as usual) and mum woke me up extremely early today because apparently she had a so called surprise for me , even though her surprises always ended up being educational about the war of the gods. But today she simply said “ you will have to wait and see”. This was extremely out of character for my mum so I asked her “ why .. is it educational” Mum looked at me and walked on i knew something was wrong when she said this “ pack your bags and quickly" By this point I was very discombobulated by the strange turn of events that were happening around me. I of course did what she said and put my stuff in the car.

After we got into the car Mum exclamied “ There is something that i have got to tell you”. I asked her “ what is it” Mum then replied with fear “ the war above our heads is about us and you and your friend Athens are the only ones who can stop this war from destroying the world” I was dumbfounded by this strange remark. So i asked her “ why can I poseidon stop this humongous war which has being going on for since i was born” Mum stayed silent for while and suddenly without no precautions of the trouble she might cause she said “ One of those god’s is your Father”


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Sun May 26, 2019 12:53 am
Sheadun wrote a review...



Hi seekingthetruth,

I’m just here to give a short review. I hope you are not offended by any of my comments, it is never my intention.

This is a wonderful story! I am always interested in gods and goddesses. It seems like you have a great plot line, and I know it will turn into a great story. I am very interested, and I’m sure lots of others will be too!

Now just a few comments.

I am going to start at the top, and work down!

Your word choice in ‘wept’ could be changed to make it flow better! A word such as ‘seeped’ or such could be better, if you think so too! Secondly, there should not be spaces before commas. Example: ‘powers, thunder,’ and so on. Finally for the first paragraph: it should be ‘devastating’ instead of devastation.

Second paragraph: I think you should either remove the first three words or change them to for better. Also, you need to identify what Zeus and hades are responsible for... are they the responsible gods? Every I should be capitalized. And there should be no comma after no one. A period should be after humanity, and another sentence should start. Try to shorten the run on sentences!

Try to use the word world less! Replace it with similar ones. ‘A’ should be ‘an’ in the last sentence of this paragraph.

For this fourth paragraph, separate the sentences that are being spoken from the narrative. I fixed this paragraph, where the stats are. Example:

But today she simply said “*You*will have to wait and see”.
This was extremely out of character for my mum so I asked her “*Why?* *Is it* educational*?*”
Mum looked at me and walked on. *I knew something was wrong when she said this “*Pack* your bags and quickly.”
By this point I was very discombobulated by the strange turn of events that were happening around me. I, of course, did what she said and put my stuff in the car.

The same things apply to this next paragraph! Just check them over and see if you can fix it! I’m sure you can :)

Great job!!

Keep writing,

Sheadun




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Wed May 22, 2019 8:48 pm
RandomVanGloboii wrote a review...




Hi! Here is my review.


Tears of sadness wept through the world as the mighty gods clashed with utter force using their very predictable powers , thunder , lightning and of course , rain. Crashes of thunder followed by a quick concession of lightning hit the world with a devastation blast.



This can be a powerful introduction that inserts us into a truly epic and tragic atmosphere. The only words that don't really work to me are "sadness" - considering how huge the catastophe is, I would use a stronger word like "despair" - and "their very predictable powers" and "of course", which to me ruin the grandiose atmosphere and sound like said by someone sbuffing: "Well could be worse".


Devastation and despair the world was in an awful predicament , Zeus and Hades were the two responsible , the war between the two gods had started when i was born 18 years ago and no one ,knows why or how it started but for 18 long devastating years the war took its toll on humanity summers were no longer hot , winter was like a volcano had gone off and the skies were full of dark ash.



"Zeus and Hades were the two responsible" sounds more like something for a crime story and the rest sounds written like in a hurry - it tells rather than showing. I would write something like "The war between Zeus and Hades, the responsible for Earth's devastation, had started 18 years ago at this point, the same year when I was born. No one remembers why, or how, it did start; but for 18 years, all my life has seen has been skies full of dark ash, volcanoes erupting, cold summers and hot winters."


The world had enough of this endless , bitter war and the world needed protecting from the gods who’s feuds would end up on earth and earth became the battleground for the gods. The world needed a miracle to stop the world being destroyed by two supreme gods who loved to lash out at each other and that miracle was me , this is the story of how i ended a 18 year old war.



I see a lot of repetitions here. You say "the world" at least three times in a short space. But the major problem is "that miracle was me: this is the story of how I ended a 18 year old war": it makes me clearly think the protagonist is a Marty Stu, a perfect character, without even trying to hide it.


It was a depressing day in washington DC ( as usual) and mum woke me up extremely early today because apparently she had a so called surprise for me , even though her surprises always ended up being educational about the war of the gods. But today she simply said “ you will have to wait and see”. This was extremely out of character for my mum so I asked her “ why .. is it educational” Mum looked at me and walked on i knew something was wrong when she said this “ pack your bags and quickly" By this point I was very discombobulated by the strange turn of events that were happening around me. I of course did what she said and put my stuff in the car.



I am quite surprised that life seems to be as usual in this paragraph now; I expected a post-apocalyptic community of survivors.


After we got into the car Mum exclamied “ There is something that i have got to tell you”. I asked her “ what is it” Mum then replied with fear “ the war above our heads is about us and you and your friend Athens are the only ones who can stop this war from destroying the world” I was dumbfounded by this strange remark. So i asked her “ why can I poseidon stop this humongous war which has being going on for since i was born” Mum stayed silent for while and suddenly without no precautions of the trouble she might cause she said “ One of those god’s is your Father”



Similar to "that miracle was me". I don't dislike the idea, but something like this just cannot happen, and I don't say it because it's a war between gods: such a shocking relevation cannot be introduced just in one paragraph, it needs to be prepared, both in terms of plot and emotional impact.

To sum up, I see nice ideas that still haven't been set in a proper style of writing. I suggest if possible to try beginning with short stories, which are easier to handle, as a first, and most of all, to read a lot of other works with attention, so you can develop your own style of writing. Anyway don't give up, and if you have the passion you can reach great things!

[QUOTE]






I FEEL FUCKING OFFENDED RIGHT FUCKING NOW CUNT



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Tue May 21, 2019 11:49 pm
AliZombie says...



Im in love with the Greek gods and Zues and Hades are actually my favourites, this is an amazing story and I recommend it to everyone,

also side note, you should read the percy Jackson series, its about the greek gods too!






i have read and watched two of the films , percy jackso thats where I got my inspiration from to write this story plus it came in first place at school in a competiion , also do you think I could get this on the litratuer spotlight




You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan