z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

the harsh reality of school (based on true events that have happned at school to me)

by seekingthetruth


Dear diary 

5 years at Bottisham village college have come to a end , and to  be truthful I am over the moon , I had the worst experiences of my life happen thier  and the last two  years have felt like a century and now I am going to be writing about the events that have happned becuase I feel its time to let  go of the past and look to the future. 

Year 10 - the social media incidents. 

For the first half of year 10 everything was great I was happy , I liked school and everything was good , until January 2018. The first few days  back were normal and I felt fine but it was not until I got home on a cold January day that I ran into my first of many problems to come. I went on Instagram and as I normally do , I did a live video with some of my class mates and at first that was ok … until  I started  to  read the horrendous comments below , people were calling me terrorists , racist and other horrific names that I cant remeber so I started to screen shot them and took them in to my head of year the next day to show him the comments that were said about me, and yes it was dealt with but I feel like they should of done something more as a couple months later someone got on to my new Instagram account and used my account to spread racism and horrible memes about me everyone hated me I was alone and my head of year for my  own safety that I  should be in learing support for a month and they did eventuly find the culprit and was excluded which I was happy about. my head of  year also pointed out that it was the worse case of cyberbullying he had seen in his 8 years in teaching. 

review me and I write  more 

seeking the truth has told the truth.

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User avatar
21 Reviews

Points: 19
Reviews: 21

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Tue Aug 06, 2019 1:48 am
Zrillis says...



I read this and first i will do a shallow review. Your structure seems broken. Alot of run ons, misspellings and grammar errors. Overall your point comes across decently but the errors break the flow of the message.

Now for a deeper dive.

After a second read through, I personally feel your point is a bit underwhelming. Not the overall message but how it comes across. I realize its a person journal entry but as its open to the viewing eye I feel it lacks some emotional details

Prime ex I see
Between the taking of the screen shots and when you showed the head of the class. What happened. Did you just go to bed? Did you cry? Did you tell your friends?

I feel there can be more emotion added.

I hope this was useful. I feel really weird reviewing and picking apart a journal piece. Overall its not bad. Just grammar and other writing issues and my personal opinion thats its a bit lacking in detail




User avatar
21 Reviews

Points: 19
Reviews: 21

Donate
Tue Aug 06, 2019 1:48 am
Zrillis wrote a review...



I read this and first i will do a shallow review. Your structure seems broken. Alot of run ons, misspellings and grammar errors. Overall your point comes across decently but the errors break the flow of the message.

Now for a deeper dive.

After a second read through, I personally feel your point is a bit underwhelming. Not the overall message but how it comes across. I realize its a person journal entry but as its open to the viewing eye I feel it lacks some emotional details

Prime ex I see
Between the taking of the screen shots and when you showed the head of the class. What happened. Did you just go to bed? Did you cry? Did you tell your friends?

I feel there can be more emotion added.

I hope this was useful. I feel really weird reviewing and picking apart a journal piece. Overall its not bad. Just grammar and other writing issues and my personal opinion thats its a bit lacking in detail




User avatar
21 Reviews

Points: 19
Reviews: 21

Donate
Tue Aug 06, 2019 1:42 am
Zrillis says...



I accidentally sent early so im going to make up a new review as i dont know how to erase




User avatar
25 Reviews

Points: 94
Reviews: 25

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Mon Aug 05, 2019 8:01 pm
DottieSnark wrote a review...



I feel a little weird about reviewing someone's diary entry, and I wasn't sure what you wanted me to review, so I'll try to hit a little of everything. First thing's first, you have some grammar issues. When you use a comma you are supposed to use it at the end of a word, with no space, and then put a space behind before the next world.

So this:

For the first half of year 10 everything was great I was happy , I liked school and everything was good , until January 2018


should read like this:

For the first half of year 10 everything was great I was happy, I liked school and everything was good, until January 2018


You also have a lot of run-on sentences. Your prose could probably greatly improve by just turning most of those into a couple of independent sentences.

Contentwise, cyberbullying is an interesting topic, but you haven't gone into much detail. You talk about how it's ruined your life, but you didn't get into specifics. Why do you think you were targeted? What specific things were people saying? Where they calling you racist or saying racist things. You said the school adminatration dealt with it, but how did they deal with it, and what did they do after it came back again?

You and an interesting story and I just want to know more about what happened. Good luck writing more.






jthxs




There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
— Robert Kiyosaki