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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Letter to the Prime minister

by seekingthetruth


Dear Mrs May , 

I am writing to you today because I am fed up with the amount knife crime their is in Britain, its horrendous, and you wonder why so many people join terror groups. 

Cutting the police , less weapons check , is only encouraging knife crime. I am sorry but it is true. Every day a poor innocent life gets stabbed and you can sit  around and say its not your problem , but I am sorry to you it is your problem. You are the leader of this country make some kind of effort to protect your country's children , women and men. 

Brexit is getting in the way of matters like this , we all know because if Brexit was done then you will be fighting with me here to get knife crime eradicated from are homes and streets. 

This needs to stop , this needs action and clearly you cant handle the pressure so 

RESIGN.

yours sincerely jess wright (seeking the truth)

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Points: 212
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Sun Jun 16, 2019 9:48 am
JJDodd wrote a review...



Knife crime is serious and there is a rising problem in this category. I also believe weapon checks should be harsher and more police on our streets of Britain. A few errors in the piece itself like commas in the wrong spot and no capital letters in places. Try and take a bit more time in the piece. Go back and check it because it really makes the difference. Seeing capital letters and punctuation really makes the piece sound more formal and will make the piece seem more serious. Well I hope this helped and I really like that you are strong and you are not scared to speak out what you stand for!!!




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Sun May 26, 2019 11:59 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there seeking the truth! My name's Tuck, and I'll be taking a look at your essay today. Let's jump right into it!

I am writing to you today because I am fed up with the amount knife crime their is in Britain, its horrendous, and you wonder why so many people join terror groups.


A couple things to point out here:

1) You used the wrong "there"

2) This should be broken up into two sentences so it's not a run-on sentence (between "Britain" and "it's"

3) Claiming that the high rate of knife violence is the reason that people join terror groups is a bit of a stretch, and without evidence to support it, it doesn't strengthen your argument. I would cut it out altogether or find some sort of statistical and objective evidence you can use to back it up.

I am sorry but it is true


This sentence doesn't really add anything to your point. I would recommend taking it out altogether if I were you.

Your call for Mrs. May to resign seems harsh and personal. In letters like these, you want to make it clear that it isn't a personal problem but an issue with a specific policy or action. I would phrase it as an ultimatum: say something like "Do something about this crisis that faces our country or step down".

And as a final note, I would strongly encourage you to remove your full name from this short story. It's not safe for your full name to be on the Internet where anyone could see it, so I would encourage you to shorten it to either your first name or take it out altogether and just use your YWS alias.

My biggest suggestion for you would be to add some more statistics. It would give your letter more weight and would also make your argument stronger. It should be relatively easy to find good statistics like "over the past 4 years, knife rate in England has increased 150%" or whatever the statistic is. It would make your argument more compelling and more professional, and that would increase the chances of action being taken.

Overall, I love that you have taken initiative and are writing to your government! With a few small adjustments, I think that this letter could be impactful, and I respect you standing up for what you think is right. I hope that my review was helpful to you and not too overwhelming, and if you have any more questions about it, please just let me know and I'd be happy to help!

Sincerely,

Tuckster




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Sun May 26, 2019 11:58 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey seekingthetruth,

Shady here with a review for you this fine review day.

You have several grammatical mistakes in this which you might want to make an effort to clean up if you intend to actually send this as a formal letter, but I see that the previous reviewer has already pointed several out so I won't focus on those for my review.

and you wonder why so many people join terror groups.


I'm not sure I fully understand what your connection is here. Of course the knife violence is bad, but why is that causing people to join terror groups? Idk but my response to being afraid of violence wouldn't be to go out and join an even more dangerous organization to put myself in further danger. I'm not sure that the connection here is solid.

This needs to stop , this needs action and clearly you cant handle the pressure so

RESIGN.


Honestly this comes across as a bit ranty and rude? It's clear that you're very frustrated with things from your letter and it's admirable that you're wanting to get involved with politics and persuade your leaders to implement better policies -- but if I'm being frank, if I received this letter, I'd probably just toss it. This comes across as a bit emotional -- like you're more upset with Mrs. May than you are about the knife crime.

I think an effective letter would be to write about why you think it's a problem and with solutions on how you think the situation could be improved. This is more just your frustrations with a broken statement and then demanding that she resigns -- which, let's face it, isn't likely.

As a final note, if that's your real name, I STRONGLY urge you to edit that out of this piece. YWS is a diverse community with lots of different people and while we try to make it as safe as possible, you do need to realize that you are interacting with complete strangers here, and as such it's not safe to provide your full name. Just basic internet safety would say that you leave it at your first name or even just sign it as seeking the truth for your post online and obviously include your real name if you decide to send it.

I do think it's great you want to see change in your country, though! Great job getting involved!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun May 12, 2019 1:16 pm
mb1221 wrote a review...



Hi there seekingthetruth,

First of all, overall, I liked this letter. I am not sure whether you are actually intending to send it to Theresa May, or just wrote it to publish here, but either way, it is precise and brief, just as long as a formal letter to a politician should be.

I just noticed a few spelling error that I cannot miss to address in my review:
1) First paragraph: "their" should be "there"
2) First paragraph: "its" should be "it is", and no short forms since this is a formal letter
3) Third paragraph: "are" is incorrect, it should be "our", a possessive pronoun
4) Last paragraph: Similar to my second point, "cant" should be "cannot", and again no short forms.

The letter has some great ideas being addressed to the Prime Minister, but the writing could be tweaked a little. I hope this helps.
Keep up the great work : )

~mb1221






thanks so much and yh this did get sent to her




One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex