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Doctor who deathly waters part 1

by seekingthetruth


“Rose we have a distress signal from Martha , hold tight we are locking on” exclaimed the Doctor. Rose acknowledged this by running from the observation deck to the unpredictable console room and grabbed onto the sides.

“Where is Martha anyway” asked Rose , the Doctor replied quickly “she is on … cybertron - home to the cyberman” Rose took one look at the Doctor and broke down in tears because her family had been slaughtered by the cybermen. The Doctor then rushed to Rose’s side and hugging her , forgetting that he was piloting the mesmerising TARDIS and suddenly the Tardis began to fall.

“Ahhhh” whailed Rose as she fell and hit her head on the console, the Doctor asked Rose

“ Are you ok? Rose’s heart was beating quicker , she was sweating tears from her head and then she looked up at the concerned Doctor and fainted towards the ground but luckily the Doctor ran towards Rose and caught her and carried her in his arms and he slowly laid her down on to silky seats.

An hour later the Tardis had stopped and Rose was coming around, and the Doctor asked “you ok , you hit your head pretty hard” Rose then quietly replied “ yeah i am fine let's go and find Martha. The Doctor agreed and exited the Tardis slowly as Rose was still disentoriated.

Murky , foggy and cold the cyberplanet was deserted and nothing could be seen or heard for miles , not even one cyberman. Then the Doctor said “ Times gone wrong this should be the 5th great cyber army .. so where is everyone and more to the point where is Martha”.

Rose then replied “ Doctor what's that moving in the bleak fog?” The Doctor then said “ I don't know but let’s move closer and take a closer look” Rose feeling very anxious grabbed the Doctor's hand as tight as a fist and together they both cautiously walked forward until they heard a familiar voice scream with death “DOCTOR , ROSE”. Suddenly the Doctor replied “ Martha is that you?”

The Doctor and Rose ran towards the screams until they found her unconscious but alive in a pool of water, suddenly Martha came around and asked “we have to leave now” The Doctor asked “why” Martha then exclaimed “the cybermen are planning to kill Rose and turn her into the new cybermaster on this planet.” Rose looked at the Doctor with fear and terror and started to have a panic attack.

“Rose everything is going to be ok just breathe and relax we won't let anything happen to you,” said the Doctor.

Suddenly out of the fog Martha noticed something metal moving and then suddenly there was a loud “bang” and the Doctor and Martha tried to see if it was a cyberman but it had already gone. When the Doctor turned round he saw Rose lying there on the floor unconscious.

The Doctor yelled “Martha help” she turned around and saw Roses lifeless body on the floor and checked for a pulse, then she said “she has a weak pulse , we need to get out of here fast before the cybermen get her” The Doctor quickly agreed and lifted up a helpless Rose , but before they could leave a cyberman zapped Martha and the Doctor unconscious and the silver Cyberman took Rose and walked off into the dark and echoey mist.

30 minutes later the Doctor awoke in tears as he found that the cyberman had kidnapped Rose and Martha was still unconscious , so he picked Martha up and started to walk the way Martha came from earlier because that is the only lead he had on to find Rose and stop her from being killed.

Rose awoke in the cyber chamber cold , dizzy and alone she tried to stand up but was only hit by a cyberman over the head knocking the vulnerable Rose to the bloodless floor unconscious.

5 hours later Marths awoke to the sound of a crying Doctor. “What’s wrong? Where is Rose?” Martha said weakly. The Doctor sobbed “they took her and I don't think she will survive this time.


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258 Reviews


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Mon Aug 12, 2019 10:01 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @seekingthetruth I am here to do a review on your work here. So lets get right into it shell we.

“Rose we have a distress signal from Martha , hold tight we are locking on” exclaimed the Doctor. Rose acknowledged this by running from the observation deck to the unpredictable console room and grabbed onto the sides.

one things clear I like this start. It gave it a good opening, so its not to boring. and its got good description in the line to.
One though is that I just think that maybe start it of with some description then ad the talking. I find that starting a chapter strait away with talking does not really go very well. But that is always up to you the author. So other then the strait away talking I really liked this line.

“Where is Martha anyway” asked Rose , the Doctor replied quickly “she is on … cybertron - home to the cyberman” Rose took one look at the Doctor and broke down in tears because her family had been slaughtered by the cybermen. The Doctor then rushed to Rose’s side and hugging her , forgetting that he was piloting the mesmerising TARDIS and suddenly the Tardis began to fall.

Okay this line is really good it is really explaining what Rose is going through right now. I could really feel the tears running down as I was reading.
One thing here though is that you did not really describe of what all of your characters look like. Just like the simple things like what they wearying were are they. Things like that can give the reader a better picture of what is really happening. But this hole bit did explain a lot of things that had a lot of meaning to it I felt.

“ Are you ok? Rose’s heart was beating quicker , she was sweating tears from her head and then she looked up at the concerned Doctor and fainted towards the ground but luckily the Doctor ran towards Rose and caught her and carried her in his arms and he slowly laid her down on to silky seats.

I am really feeling sorry for Rose right now, it just seams like shes going though a lot right now. I can imagine this all.
But I still think that you should describe the place I mean I don't even no were the seats are. I mean I don't no if there in the water or what.
Second thing, maybe it would also be a better if you found a name for Doctor I just don't think that Doctor should just have that name I mean that can't be his real name. Maybe you can name Doctor, just a name that I came up with but yeah here is the name Davoris.
its okay if you don't like that name but just a thought to try and help you come up with one.

So that is all that I can say about this work I did like it. So I hope that this was not to harsh I hope that you are okay if the review, if not then I am really sorry will you pleas forgive me. So keep up the great work I look forward to reading the next part.

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews




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Sat Aug 10, 2019 10:28 am
Asith wrote a review...



I have no clue about anything Doctor Who related, but I thought it would be worth pointing out the fallacies in your actual writing. Don't be disheartened, but there are quite a handful of questionable choices.

"Rose acknowledged this by running from the observation deck to the unpredictable console room and grabbed onto the sides."
Right off the bat, here's an ugly change it tense. You go from using the present tense at the beginning of the sentence to past tense by the end. The verb "grabbed" should be "grabbing". You should learn to proofread your work to avoid simple yet incredibly flawed mistakes like this. I also question the use of the adjective "unpredictable" to describe a control room.

“Where is Martha anyway” asked Rose , the Doctor replied quickly “she is on … cybertron - home to the cyberman”
Pacing is an important writing technique, especially in scenes like this, but there's a discrepancy here that confuses readers. The Doctor is supposed to answer "quickly", yet the use of ellipses before "cybertron" indicates hesitation and slowness.

"The Doctor then rushed to Rose’s side and hugging her , forgetting that he was piloting the mesmerising TARDIS and suddenly the Tardis began to fall."
A terribly worded sentence, with more terrible loss of tense. And The Doctor doesn't seem like a character to make such a mistake.

"she was sweating tears from her head"
?
A metaphor perhaps? I would not advise using one salty bodily fluid as a metaphor for a other salty bodily fluid.

Rose then replied “ Doctor what's that moving in the bleak fog?”
Bleak fog? Strange adjective for fog, and not something I'd expect someone to say in casual dialogue, regardless. Additionally, Rose does not reply to anything that the Doctor just insinuated, so the verb "replied" is strange.

"The Doctor and Rose ran towards the screams until they found her unconscious but alive in a pool of water"
How did she scream if she was unconscious?

"Roses lifeless body"
Rose's - not Roses.

"knocking the vulnerable Rose to the bloodless floor unconscious."
Bloodless floor? Another strange adjective. I strongly advise ensuring that your adjectives have meaning and purpose - don't throw around adjectives for the sake of it.

----
This came across as harsh, perhaps, but there is a lot of needed improvement in your writing. You will only get better with time.

+ It's worth noting that punctuation marks do not need to be surrounded with a space. Looking into punctuation in general could help






is that all you could fucking do and point out all the things wrong with it and if u have not watched doctor who then you dont no how unoredictable the control room is , you need to watch an episode of Doctor who before u go and judge me




*cries into coffee*
— LadyLizz