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chapter 1 the bombings

by seekingthetruth

Quiet, deadly quiet . The streets were a ghost town , houses remained dark and the oncoming storm was about to crash into London. Suddenly the excoriating sound of the siren went off and myself and my parents quickly dashed out of the house in a flash like Lightning. I was only 12 at the time but I knew it was Hitler  he was finally here. 

Crash! Boom! Bombs dropped every minute I know this because I counted. The bombardment go heavier and heavier and soon we knew that London would never heal from likes of a vicious tyrant like Hitler.  Crash! Boom! I asked mum

" when will this bombardment end" she sighed with upset 

" I really don't know dear" 

Dad said nothing. 

We thought the bombardment had ended when their were no more sounds of death nd destruction but sigh we were so wrong. this horrific act lasted for 2 more hours and when we finally came out of the shelter we found nothing our whole street had been obliterated by Hitler. 

Mum cried , I cried and then after 3 hours of silence my dad said " I am going to sign up" Both mum and I were in shock that my dad wanted to go to war and leave us behind  with nothing. 

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741 Reviews

Points: 11133
Reviews: 741

Sun May 26, 2019 8:38 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...

Hey there seekingthetruth. I think I reviewed another one of your pieces, so let's see how this one goes.

Quiet, deadly quiet.

As a starting line, this is working out pretty good for you and how it mixes with the rest of the content. I think that you might want to split the opening line off from the first paragraph. This sort of introduction, focused on setting the specific mood for the reader, should have a certain degree of emphasis. That would give a much stronger start to this chapter part.

The first paragraph of description isn't spectacular but it does set the scene for the readers. The final line trails off a bit in saying "Hitler" specifically has arrived in the city of London. In this crucial point of description when you're trying to draw the reader in, I think that you might want to add more detail. A twelve year old in London during the Blitz might be able to be more specific about the Nazi bombings.

That thought of further description occurs to me more as I'm re-reading the second paragraph. This is where you're trying to describe the bombing, but it doesn't strike me in the right dramatic way. It seems that this would be a good point for the narrator to add more details about the bombs being dropped on the city. Such an addition to the scene would get the reader's attention.

The chapter cuts off with the father of the household choosing to enlist to the military and that's a fairly okay cliffhanger. You could make it a lot better. The narrator is expressing their shock over their father leaving, but there's not many physical descriptions of this. You can easily add details at this point to address their sadness and the feelings of everyone else in the household.
Or if you don't want to add such details to this chapter part, you better be adding them to the next section.

The formatting that you have for the dialogue is a bit wonky and you just need a bit of work on that. All it takes is some practice and reference guide like this one .

There's a few other technical things when it comes to your typing. You need to make sure to have proper capitalization at the front of each sentence. And you also need to be more careful with the spacing between words and around the punctuation.

That's about all I have for this review. If you have any questions about this chapter or anything else, drop me a line.
Happy review day.
- Jack

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35 Reviews

Points: 1384
Reviews: 35

Thu May 09, 2019 8:12 pm
GigiNicole17 wrote a review...


Hey, hey hey!!! I'm Gigi, here with a review! Let's jump to it!

First Paragraph:

I think you could've elaborated a little more about the background info here, I'm kinda lost because I don't really know what you're talking about. You don't want to be direct, but you want you readers to understand what you're talking about.

Second Paragraph:

The Crash and Boom need to be in quotes because it's a sound. And when you go into the dialogue, start with a capital letter.

Fourth Paragraph:

This one, I don't really understand. I get eh part how the missiles sopped. Again, capitalization at the beginning of the sentence.

Fifth paragraph:

"their" should be "there" (Common little mistake, no big deal)
"nd" I think that was supposed to be "and"

If the sigh is an action it should be in quotes

Don't worry about the errors, we all make them. Great Work!

Keep Writing! <3

~Gigi, The Jesus Freak

was their anything good about it? sorry it just seems rather negative

GigiNicole17 says...

yeah, the idea was great, just elaborate on the ideas a little bit, that's all I"m saying...sorry for the negativity, I never want to you feel like I'm putting you down. It was really good, I promise...<3

"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984