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Young Writers Society



dandelion

by Rosella



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624 Reviews


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Wed Nov 30, 2016 1:58 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Deeproses! Casanova here to do a review as promised!

Anyway, let's get to it. One thing I like is how you're keeping to format poetry in this and Belle. It seems to work well with the poem instead of using the crummy YWS formatting. So props for that. Anyway, to the review!

I actually like the length of this one. It's short, yet to the point at the same time. I can tell you've put emotion into this one, and you're doing so in a way that your imagery doesn't get out of hand and you have to prune your flower(see what I did there :P). That's overall a good thing in itself, so props for doing that.

yet you ruined the petals I took time to grow
and screamed at me your selfish wishes


These lines right here are pretty much a standalone thing. They work with or without the poem, because you've put so much thought into this. I really enjoyed these lines, and I do think they're the best out of what you have.

One thing I didn't like, however, was the third line. You say,"fluttering away in the quiet breeze," yet in the next couple of lines you use screaming. I would suggest adding something besides quiet to even it out, because I would love to see the entire poem flow together as one action. As if one line needed the other to survive.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




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Wed Nov 23, 2016 2:32 am
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Charm wrote a review...



Hey Rose.

I really like this poem. It's better than Belle, which was the poem I thought was your best so far. That makes this one your best so far xD. The last line, I felt, was a little forward and not a good note to end on. I felt like the poem needed a little more, not more emotion, maybe just built on the scene--the metaphor--you are working with. I love the fourth line, there is so much imagery and emotion in there, it's perfect. The strongest line in my opinion.

Anyway this was just a short little review. This is definitely something really good, Rose.
marmalade




Rosella says...


thank you <33



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Tue Nov 22, 2016 7:39 pm
BeTheChange wrote a review...



I like this very much. I've been reading a lot of poetry with similar themes lately, but this piece stands out. The italics at the end, signifying a shift from 'happy nature metaphor' to the real message of the poem, are a skillful touch. I do think that the beginnings of the third and fifth lines should be capitalized to go with the others, to give it more of a traditional poetic feel, but if that's a stylistic choice, then feel free to keep it the way it is. :)




Rosella says...


thank you :)



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Tue Nov 22, 2016 6:22 pm
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Lumi wrote a review...



Hey hey!

This'll be teeny tiny, but helpful for reflection should you choose to edit. First off, the sentiment here is so so so strong and gently forceful, I love it. There are some execution errors that trip me up here and there, but for the most part, you are on fire here. So let's get the nasties out of the way:

Your main complaint in the piece is being scattered in the wind by someone / shouted their wishes at, and yet you make two references previously regarding the wind and 'fluttering away in the quiet breeze,' which means you weren't grounded in the first place. Consistency!

It reminds me of a scene where the dandelion is clutched from the air against its will, which is powerful for its own reasons, and blown apart for a stupid wish. But there are two sides of the story, which I love, and it gives us readers an inferential third dimension to the story where we can see the "You" in the narration's side of things and how innocent the act seemed.

Altogether, I love this. It's simple and duplicitous and it builds on itself without being convoluted. It's poetry. The flow is decent, though the italics in the final two lines feels unnecessary. Experiment.

Hope this gives you some thought fuel.
Ty




Rosella says...


Thank you so much!



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Tue Nov 22, 2016 6:07 pm
Travis says...



It all flows together very well




Rosella says...


thxx <33




That smells like the inside of a tropical rainforest.
— Yoshikrab's friend