Long brown hair
Beautiful ringlets
Normal skin tone
Acne scars
.
Glossy eyes behind her glasses
Tears on her face
The salty water streaming down
Showing her disgrace
.
Heart broken in half
Cannot be fixed up
But she tries and tries
Until she gives up
.
The year was beginning
She grew tired of herself
So she cut off all her hair
And put her old glasses on the shelf
.
Little did she know that only changed
Her small self-esteem
Not the broken heart
Hidden in the seams
.
A failure at everything
A prodigy at nothing
Her identity is hidden
And remains in her mind crushing
.
Lost and unloved
She felt as though a burden
Her mind was telling her to run away
But her heart remained frozen
.
One after another
They all started to leave
So she put up the walls
But still wore her heart on her sleeve
.
She loves the attention
And tries to stay selfless
But her sadness overcomes her
Which makes her come off selfish
.
Harm isn’t intended
But her heart cannot speak
She lets her mind control her
Until she is at her peak
.
She loves with all her heart
And dies a bit when she gets hurt
People take advantage of her
They treat her like dirt
.
She cannot see her importance
A disappointment in the mirror
Hate fulfills her heart for herself
Her depression becomes clearer
.
She wants something that she
Cannot find
And all her thoughts
Become a messy outline
.
A comfort that's pleasing
Would warm her heart
The support and love
From someone who was smart
.
Her heart remains shattered
As she gives the shards away
To all the people who are able
To make her truly sway
.
Now she knows what she needs to do
To love the ones who hate
Forgive the ones who left
And cherish the ones who help her think straight
.
She writes and draws
To express her shaky feelings
She does it to distract herself
For being such a weakling
.
The past is over
The people are gone
Improvement is here
So her future will be drawn
.
She will try harder
To amend all the things broken
She will do her best
So the words won’t remain unspoken
.
This girl was lost
In her big imagination
But now her mind has realized
The world is a beautiful creation
.
Her fantasies now full of color
Her emotions now settled down
She will now do her best
For her face to disappear from a frown
.
This girl has the name of Gillian
She is stuck inside this body
So I will learn to accept my life
And to love each and everybody
.
My heart is broken, shattered, and wounded
But I will do my best to fix it
And leave all the ones who hurt me astounded
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Wow this poem basically describes me top the fullest. And I can relate to almost every word on every line in every stanza. This is what I picture spiritual poetry to be like
hey
I loved it keep writing
Hello there, DeepRoses!
This is Moonwatcher here to review your poem! ^-^
The first thing I would like to point out here is the inconsistent rhyme scheme. If you choose a rhyme scheme, I'd suggest making it consistent, especially if the rhyme is used often. The second thing I would like to point out is the rhyme itself. To be completely honest, I'm not a fan of rhyme. Here's my reasoning why: Rhyme scheme seems like a burden. This is because I feel as if it takes away the author's freedom. It constricts the writer into only using specific sets of words. Sure, every word has a rhyme, but not every rhyme is the word that you're looking for. This could limit metaphor, imagery, and can block out feelings or emotions that the reader really wants to convey.
I feel as if the length of this poem is somewhat killing it for me. Take out whatever is unnecessary, and only leave the stronger emotions. This is what the reader /really/ wants to read and find in a poem.
I think that your imagery could use some improvement. I feel as if that's what makes most poems /really/ strong, especially when it comes to conveying feelings and emotions in a unique and original way. There weren't many /strong/ parts of the poem that gave the reader emotions, and the last stanza is probably the best thing you have going for you. Try making the poem yours, and only yours. Try to be original and creative, and be free with your word choice instead of being constricted by (some) rhyme. Be unique.
That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope this review helped you out. Have a great day and keep on writing! ^-^
Although I do not agree with your review, thank you