The tears roll down my cheeks
as I set down my silent phone.
My mind flashes back to all the pain
I have experienced and suddenly
fear surrounds my body and mind
that you will make me feel the same way.
~
I don't see my importance in your life,
as if you are completely fine without me.
But my gosh I need you here,
like a flower needs water,
like a bird needs it's feathers,
and like a puppy who needs a home.
~
You are my water.
You are my feathers needed to fly.
You are my home.
~
People have come and go in my life,
ones who have put on the mask that they needed me
when all they did was break me.
I fear you will become that way.
That you're putting on a show,
and I'm just a silly puppet believing you.
~
It's so early in the night,
but my mind is blank,
my mouth is closed,
and my feelings are shut down.
~
All I want is to be needed for once,
and I know a silly, stupid girl like me,
is not needed by a boy like you.
~
I'm sorry.
All I can do right now is sit here
and be silent
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140,730 Literary Works • 673,682 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
This starting stanza felt generic in my opinion. Being generic also makes it more broad. There were no details that went in depth about anything and that made it hard to interpret what you're trying to get across. There are no descriptions here to help us understand what you're trying to say. You can say 'the tears rolled down my cheeks' but that begs the question, where, what, when, who, and why. You don't necessarily have to answer all of these questions but if you think about it, those count as details. You're planting small trees to make one big forest, so take care of each and every one of them.
The punctuation really messes up your flow all throughout this poem. In the last stanza, there was a lack of it, and now there's a lot of it. The wording of this stanza is also awkward in, "as if you are completely fine without me" and just some other stuff. I suggest saying the stanza in a different way, specifically the first two lines. Something that says something about you seeing them around without you and they're off just fine or something of that sort if you want to keep that.
The last four lines of the stanza have the potential to be good for imagery but that didn't really happen. A sun analogy would work too if you feel that they're your sun, but I would only use that if they were only really a light bulb that you tricked yourself into thinking that they were the sun. I'm just throwing out some ideas about that.
The stanza after this felt unnecessary to me in the form that it is now, it was being repetitive in the wrong way so I won't touch on it anymore.
I didn't really feel anything for this stanza. You keep telling the reader things instead of expressing it. Don't tell me that they broke you, show me that they broke you. I personally thought that here was a good place where you could have focused more on the imagery with the puppet. There are so many metaphors and descriptions you can pull out of masks and puppetry, you just need to get creative.
Doing these together with not much to say. In the first stanza it's just kind of bland but I know the feeling that you're trying to get across. Also I don't accept the word "feelings" without you explaining what they are because it's such a broad word.
The second stanza here comes off narcissistic or highly though I don't think that's what you were going for. It just sounds that way with you saying that the other person /needs/ you.
The last stanza didn't really do anything for me and was a weak ending. I personally didn't like the themes of this poem as I believe that it's rather toxic for someone to need someone like they're the sun but I guess I know what you were trying to get across. I didn't personally connect to the poem, but I had a general idea of what you were trying to aim for.
I hope I helped and have a great day.
I don't know how this happened...
how what happened?
I'll review this later. I just don't have time right now, but it's a beautiful piece.
Heya, Deeproses! Casanova here for a review!
Anyway, I normally do this by listing the good(if any, and in my opinion), the bad(if any, and in my opinion), and then I conclude. But this was an.. Emotional poem(something I admire a lot as a hip-hop enthusiast) so I guess my review will be all over the place as well. Anyway- to the review!!
The first thing I noticed was the lax of punctuation. In the first stanza you have only one period- no commas or anything for pauses. Yet in the second stanza and beyond you keep up a fluent comma/period going on- and it works. The first stanza feels kind of off- it never pauses of read like that. I could understand this if it was racing, fluent thoughts. But I don't think this was your intent for the reader. You seem to be set on putting the emotion out there- and that you did do quite well.
But whilst putting out emotion you have to do it comparably with imagery in poetry- otherwise you're firing from the hip and not really saying anything. Yeah, we get that it's painful and everything. But we want something more as a reader than to just read the facts. We want to feel what it's like- to view it as well.
Overall you keep the same first person and second person rather repetitive. I'm not saying you can't use it(I've been getting this hounded into my head as well so it's a new prospect to me as well) but it takes away your ability to really push the poem farther.
Imagine writing something for, say,"You," speech. I'll use an example from your poem-
"You are my water.
You are my feathers needed to fly.
You are my home."
The,"you," here gets repetitive. You can shorten the stanza down, and make it seem less repetitive by excluding the,"You," from every line. As so-
"You are my water.
The feathers needed to fly.
You are my home."
The you here is still repetitive- but there's nothing to be done about that unless you change the meaning of the last two lines completely. An example of this would be-
"You are my water.
The feathers needed for me to fly home."
Don't be afraid to break away from traditional line-length poetry. It all depends on the flow, and your meaning.
But don't be afraid to break away, also, from traditional imagery. Meaning- don't use the same line a million people use in every poem ever. It's not bad to have cliches in your work, no, but it's also not good to have your work become one large cliche. I'm a victim of doing that to my work. I'm only now starting to break away from the kind of poetry you are writing and going into more prose than usual.
Anyway, I hope this at least helped some.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely- Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Last night I was crying and needed to write. I wasn't in the state of making my poem amazing, great, or any where near perfect. I just needed to write my feelings down. The lack of punctuation was intentional, for this style of poem I decided punctuation wasn't actually needed to understand how I felt. Sorry if my reply was a little mean, I didn't intend to get reviews on this because I mainly published this to show my sadness from last night. I really appreciate the review, don't worry. And trust me my other poems are WAY better than this one. But I wrote this simple thing in 10 minutes for the purpose of spilling out my feelings.
It's called venting. Something I know a little too well myself.
If you need someone to talk to you can always message me. I'm happy to talk to you.
But if you post something, and it is just emotion, you might not get good responses from some people on this. And I've read one other thing by you, I think.
Anyway. Yeah. Feel free to message me whatnot.
Thanks
Np