Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Massacre
Darkness had embraced us all, staining our minds with war and vengeance, spilling its seed of betrayal upon our hands. Blades throbbed in many victims hearts as they spilled their denial, kissing their last breath of life, and all I had done was watch my home; my kingdom fall into Hell’s hands, engulfing it with its flaming tongue, raping Heaven. I watched the two kingdoms collide and crumble into each other, killing the angels and demons that were still trapped in both empires. Explosions surged out from the ground blowing off one of the guardian's head, spleens were cut out, spines were plucked by the Devil’s mistress’s. Angels were hung by their necks; ripping their skin, gouging out their eyes with bare knives and claws, cutting their wings slice by slice by. The fiends feasted on their flesh, pinning their entrails along the tree’s body that wept with revolting pleasure. The sky began to vomit all of its rage upon us, the messengers were finally arriving.
The dark angels pierced through the black sky like missiles, aiming their arrows at targets below. One Dark angel named Snow, glided across the sky swiftly, targeting one of the demons who had snapped one of the guardian angels in half, his name was Oafish.
Oafish jabbed his devil-like claw through the angel’s chest, prying out her heart. The creature took in the scent of the bleeding heart as he stared down at her, she was wheezing, and shuddering in pain, gazing up at the demon’s black eyes in fear.
“Would you like to meet death? He’s waiting just behind those doors.” He hissed insanely, pointing behind him as if there were doors there, but there was none.
Oafish’s black eyes grew grim as he glared down at her. “Or is he not your type? He spat in laughter “but I know what’s my type!” He knelt down besides the Angel, whispering. “Would you like to know?”
There was no answer, she just
her golden locks of hair stained with crimson ink had oozed gradually down to her waist. Her spine hung from the open wound, glaring at Snow. Nothing was left of her, but a hollow body.
Snow landed gently beside her, he knelt down supporting her head. “Iridesca?”
No word spilled between her lips.
“oh god…” His voice cracked as he began to sob, knowing his sister was forever gone.
Lying her down, he stood drying away his tear, and took flight.
The demon swerved his head around, snapping its neck; yet it did not harm him. He glaring up at the sky straight at snow.
Snow jolted feeling the chill of the demons breath that was; in fact, miles away.
The fiend smiled maliciously, ripping off an angels head, licking the angelic blood that had once been so pure.
He watched Snow, mocking him with those eyes.
Snow gritted his teeth. Roaring, as he stabbed through the air piercing. His muscular wings splayed far and wide nearly obscuring the dark sky. He darted towards the beast swifter than ever, his wings beating against each other as they met lip-to-lip. Wind smacked his face as if to shame him for watching one of his own be slaughtered by such a reckless beast. He couldn’t take the guilt any longer, the image of his sister, his Iridesca! The memory plucked at his heart strings showing him no mercy. There was never one pinch of mercy in the eyes of Snow!
The face of the demon stained his blurred thoughts, it pounded against his skull till it bled and flooded through his veins. He felt it ooze gradually, burning him. Clawing him. The intoxicating venom that quenched the desire for carnage. For massacre. Finally; his hand mutating, begun to expand his bones, sharpening into a talon-like weapon. The tip of each bone penetrated through the flesh and skin, wounding his fingers, as the bones pushed done. With his claw completely developed, he darted towards the demon, jabbing his incisors through the demons thick neck, and punctured his talons through his face, crushing whatever had lived within its skull.
The blood dripped from the corner of his lips, it was luscious and crimson as rubies; yet the taste, no matter how delectable, it had the salty, metallic-like stench he hated, nothing but toxic sins penetrated his tongue, leaving his eyes to water.
* * *
The dark angels were getting ready to land, all wings unfurled and punctured right back into the two slits marked on their backs, protecting their majestic wings. Feet gracefully kissing against the tall lifeless grass, Snow had met the eyes of another, she was one of the fallens who had took their side one month ago. Her face was flawless, and pale, which showed off her astounding emerald-colored eyes. The lady’s hair cascaded over her shoulder, caressing her curved waste, and taut thighs. The moon gleamed brightly against her black hair, which reflected a deep blue color. She was a beauty. The lady; who was known by the name Vesta, grinned shyly in a way that bewildered Snow. Something about her smile, seemed to be filled with uncertainty.
“You actually made it early.” Vesta chuckled a bit. “That’s a record.”
Snow’s gaze then fell upon the ground. “Not early enough.”
Vesta arched her brow, she searched his expression, but there was nothing she could read or even comprehend. Her gaze fell upon his lips, watching the crimson fluid drip from his jaw and lips. Its as if he poured blood onto his lower part of his jaw.
“Snow?” Vesta reached for him, but he jolted away.
“Just don’t.” He growled, wiping the remaining blood away with his fingertip, gazing.
* * *
They took off into the abyss where Heaven and Hell had collided, nebulae-like-lights beamed outward and licked the dark sky, illuminating all that had touched this streaming tongue of life and death. I began to envy all beauty. The lights transcended, and kissed the palm of my hand. All I wanted was to get away from this light and return to my shell, but it was too late I was already exposed, the light stripped me out of my own skin. I feel hate, neglect, naked with lies. “I’m here for one reason and one reason only,” I reminded myself. “Cut the flesh clean, burn all enemies, and win this war.” Vesta then flies towards the battlefield, pulling out both pistols to spot-check the amount of ammo she had left. Vesta engraved all the bullets with a cross-like symbol, and shoved them back into their rightful place. I suddenly feel the electrifying power running in the veins of the battlefield, seeing angels, guardians, demons, announcers, nephilims and many others fighting against each other, trying to survive.
“Well I suppose you don’t remember me Vesta?” Rose gave out a little snicker, and gouged one of the incoming demon’s eyes out. “Gotcha bitch!” She dropped it onto the ground; the eye twitched there squirming for the prey it had left behind, needing to feast. Swarms of angels and dark angels darted towards the ground shooting the Nephilims heads off, their necks ripped, leaving behind shards of flesh and bones. Heads rolled off the cliff, where the two kingdoms had collided, leaving this black abyss.
I store in wonder, excited and pleased with the gruesome show the war had put on. Exploding lights fluttered everywhere across the battlefield, crimson colors boasted out smacking my face, another had been sliced in half. More creatures developed as more creatures died, it seemed endless this war, demons flooded out from the abyss, incarnates shot from below our feet, their mouths splayed apart devouring our guardians, our angels! My thoughts finally cut off as soon as one of the incarnates snatched me by the neck and bashed my head against the jagged ground. Blood oozed it ways down to my neck. I feel nauseous, I feel pain, I feel dizziness taking over, I feel someone taking me by the hand and helping me up.
“Don’t you die on me now Vesta We’ve got a damn war to finish.”
I know that voice, that voice… it’s Snow. I tried looking up at him, but no muscle churned only a sharp pain inserted, like a needle jabbing through my neck down my spine.
“Fuck that hurts!” I yelped.
We both ceased, we froze. I couldn’t see the expression on Snow’s face, I could only feel the chill of his hands grip, the fearful tension came ricocheting off his body. What the hell is wrong with him?
“Snow what’s happening?” My sight started to clear.
“Will you shut up Vesta.”
His voice was sharp, cold, yet shaking, he has never been so fearful before, nothing could scare him not even God’s power. What could scare him right now?
“Kneel.” Snow demanded, we both knelt down stern and noble like a true warrior.
“Did we win the battle?” I asked fearfully.
There was nothing from him, nothing. I curled my fist ready to pound hard in his face.
“Dammit Snow answer me! Did we win or not!?”
“No! No we fucking didn’t Vesta! No! No...N-”
Snow fell silent. I turn to face Snow, he was lying on the ground bleeding, his whole torso was splayed apart, his heart frozen, his entrails moving? I hold in a breath and shove my hand into the bed of organs, and pull one of the nephilims feasting on his spleen.
“Oh god!” I throw the ghastly beast onto the ground, and smash his skull under my boot, letting his god damn brains burst out. Why Snow? Why him?! Tears clawed down my cheeks as I crawl closer to my dear friend that laid exploded before my eyes. I caressed his face.
“God I’m going to kill the fucking bastard who did this to you! I swear it! I’ll make him disorientated, I’ll rip out his limbs and watch him eat it dammit! I’ll make his life less than the whoring Devil himself.” I wipe the tears away.
“Do continue Vesta, your story is quite intriguing to one’s ear..”
I turn staring at the bastard who did this. The man stood before me, glaring through my soul as he sneered with pleasure. He had dark slick hair that tumbled down over his eyes, creating this some what fierce wild look, his skin flawless and pale as a frosty night, his eyes were pure black with tints of red focusing on my every breath. He was alluring.
I stand up gradually and face him slightly parting my lips to speak, but nothing came out.
“What? Surprised to see me mortal?” He asked calmly.
Vesta arched her brow and sluggishly moved backwards as he crept towards her.
“Have we met?” Vesta asked shakily.
He looks over his left shoulder, glaring at the abyss the war had created. “We have never met personally Vesta, but spiritually we have.” He scanned the battlefield finally meeting her eyes. “ I’ve been watching you from afar since the day you were born till now, I've been waiting for this day to come, to meet you love.”
Vesta shuddered. “Love? Who the hell do you think you are! You think you can just appear out of no where, take my best friends life and--” Her voice shook as she remembered the fear Snow had gave off. “Who are you dammit!” Vesta fell to her knees gazing at her mutilated friend. “Who are you!”
He strolled towards me and knelt, touching Snow by the chest. Snow gradually disintegrated and vanished. “Who do you want me to be Vesta? I can be your worst nightmare, your murderer, your father, your rapist, your king.” he caressed the side of her face sending chills down her spine.
She slapped his hand away. “I don’t need your stupid games, I need answers! You hear me! Answers!” She snatched up her Artemis blade and swung it towards his neck. The man dodged, letting the tip of the blade claw his skin. No blood trickled down his neck, nothing.
Vesta stood astonished, her eyes wide, lips quivering. “You’re not bleeding?” Vesta took deep shallow breaths, dropping the Artemis blade.
“Surprised? Your Artemis blade can kill powerful creatures Vesta, but it can’t harm me. See Vesta… I created that blade, it has a mind of its own, and it knows its creator.” He studied Vesta, strolling around her, arching a brow.
“I don’t understand.” She spun around trying to figure out what he’s up to.
“I don’t need you to understand you whore, what I need is that blade! In order to kill that selfish bastard you call ‘king’, I need that blade!” He goes for the blade, but I grasp it before he could take a hold of the weapon.
“There is no way in hell you’re him, you can’t be… Satan?” My heart froze as repeated the name in my head.
He starts to clap sarcastically. “Bravo! Bravo! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!” He chuckled hysterically.
“You can’t be serious! You!? Satan?! Your too...well your so-”
The man arched a brow, smirking a bit. “What? Has a cat bitten your tongue?”
Vesta was astounded, everything around her began to spin, nearly leaving her out of breath. “But-
“But not what you expected eh?” He crossed his arms, enjoying her reaction.
“This is impossible!” Vesta howled, she clasped her head feeling it throb along with the beat of her heart.
“Impossible? But the impossible is possible, if you choose to believe it love.” He whispered serenely.
Vesta struggled to speak, her knees quivered insanely. “Y-you’re too-”
Lucifer walked towards Vesta, obscuring her mouth with his hand. “Let me guess, I’m too charming, too good looking? Well I guess the evil could be mistaken as the ugly.” He chuckled. “But I guess you don’t mind at all… now do you love?”
He gracefully traced his forefinger along her thigh, sending shivers along her spine.
Vesta slapped him away, slightly blushing. “Who the hell do you think you are?”
“Well I’m the king of demons of course!” He gave a toothy grin. “And the prince of darkness, and the king of the bottomless pit, and the accuser, and the deceiver, and the devil, and Satan, and the serpent of lies, and the dragon of destruction.” He sighs a bit, taking a breath. “I’m basically the greatest nightmare that rapes the dreams of mortals.” He smirked maliciously. “Are you pleased with me girly?” He lazily traced his tongue along his teeth, she blush darkened.
Lucifer smirked. “So I do please you.” He chuckled.
Vesta frowned, she wanted this bastard to die. First he decides to get his revenge against our king, then captured him, (which started this damn war in the first place), then he decides to kill her best friend, and flirt with her!? I’ll rip your goddamn face off!
“You’re sick you know that! Sick! And you can forget about this Artemis blade dammit, it’s mine!” She gripped the blade firmer, slightly causing her palm to bleed tiny droplets of blood.
“That's not for you to decide gorgeous, you’re one of mine. You dare defy your own king, your own creator?” He walked in closer clenching his fist, eyes darkening into a pitch black.
Vesta stumbled, trying to back away from him. “You don’t own me you bastard! I am nothing like your disgusting minions!” Frightened out of her mind, she blinked away tears.
She blinked once more, and suddenly he vanished then traced behind her, snatching her by the neck, pulling her close. “You’re a demon Vesta, accept it.”
Her eyes slightly widened, tears filled her eyes once more. “No! You’re lying dammit!” She struggled as she tried to free herself from his deadly grip.
Lucifer’s right arm was still locked around her neck, the other lowered down to her waist, clasping her harder against him, ceasing her movement.
“Now would I lie?” Lucifer chuckled.
Vesta sobbed miserably. “Let me go! Let me GO!”
He shook her wildly. “Listen to me! You are a demon!”
“No!” She shrieked.
He tightened his grip. “You dare defy me girl! I know what I see!”
She struggled to breathe. “Then you’re blind! I look nothing like your repulsive slaves!”
He took pieces of her luscious black hair, and took in the alluring aroma. “True, but you smell like a demon.”
Vesta breath froze in fear.
“You feel like a demon.” He tightened the grip of his palm around her neck, then flicked his tongue along her nape. He moaned “You even taste like one Vesta.” He whispered lustfully.
Vesta shuddered, disgusted by the sight of his pleasure.
“Should I go further?” Lucifer spun her around, and sneered viciously. “You were never mortal Vesta. You were never really nothing at all, especially to that man Snow you called a friend.” He spat out laughing. “If he ever found out what you were, he would have decapitated you a long time ago, feeding your head to the hounds!” Lucifer chuckled slightly, with an insane sneer engraved along his face. “If anything I deserve a thank you, for saving your life.”
Vesta jabbed the staff of the Artemis blade into his lower torso, “You don’t know anything about Snow! Nothing!” She gritted her teeth firmer. “You deserve no thank you, you don’t even understand what that means! All you know is torment and hurt! Nothing else, and that’s all you’ll ever know you fucking bastard!” She held the blade firmly.
Lucifer shuddered at her words, shocked yet satisfied. “Such words can scar severely Vesta.” He caressed the side of her face, as he jabbed the staff deeper, yanking her closer. “You must be cautious, for words like that can cut deeply.” He sneered.
Vesta moved away from him, watching as he forced in the staff further. “I-I don’t care!”
He pulled out the Artemis blade. “Well sooner or later you’ll want to make those words sweeter, for one day you’ll eat them.” He hissed.
* * *
Checkmate
Vesta had been locked up for days, chained against a wall with blood stained shackles. She saw nothing but the cold breath from the lips of the surrounding shadows, there was no light that gleamed, not one sliver streamed through the steel doors, there wasn’t even a single window. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt the wind kiss her skin, or when her fingertips caressed the warmth that the sun had radiated, she wanted to smell the scent of the wildflower’s birth. Yet her memory was far from this paradise she once knew, all she remembered was carnage, and pain; an aching pain that never gave her rest, it just kept gnawing at her, waiting till she would break. Luce hated the man that had done this, she hated him for creating such a massacre, for killing her only family, her only friend, but most of all she hated herself for being so vulnerable and useless. You’re better off dead.
The door suddenly screamed as the rusty key hole was penetrated by rattling keys. It creaked open, slightly revealing her master.
Lucifer smiled down at her with a bowl filled with blood on one hand, and a plate blanketed with chocolate bread pudding on the other, that awaited for her. “Bon Appetite.” He whispered with a toothy grin. “Your breakfast is served.” He set down the two meals beside each other. Vesta stared at the blood that gleamed pridefully, she glared up at Lucifer.
“You still expect me to drink this load of crap after the several times I’ve denied?” Vesta shook her head. “You’re pathetic.”
Lucifer laughed insanely. “Says the one who is locked up behind closed doors, with both arms chained behind her back. Yes indeed… I’m the pathetic one. Now stop being such a child and enjoy your breakfast.”
Vesta sighed irritatedly. “How am I going to eat with my hand tied up behind me?” She gestured, wiggling her arms sluggishly.
Lucifer leaned against a wall beside her, staring down hard. “I believe your mouth devours the food, not your hands love.” He smirked and gazed up at the ceiling. “Has the dark cell decayed your logic already?”
Vesta could barely see his face, yet even though the cell was pitch black, his skin somewhat penetrated through this ‘black death’ that swarmed around them.
He knelt down, whispering in her ear, “Eat.”
Vesta winced. “You want me to eat like a dog?” She glared up at him. “Is that it?”
Amused, “Your words, not mine.” Lucifer smirked standing back up with a indolent stance. His leg bent onto the wall supporting him as he leaned; once again, up against the wall, with his arms folded across his chest. He stood there waiting till Vesta gave in, he still gazed up at the ceiling, his expression was cold and focused, yet alluring at the same time strangely. The last time she saw him, he seemed a bit steady and serene, but today was different. Lucifer was uneasy, cautious, it was as if he was watching something crawl along the ceiling wall. He fears something, but what is it? Why would I care in the first place?
Vesta broke from her thoughts as she began to felt the grumbling message of hunger.
If she remembered correctly, she hasn’t ate since the battle; yet it feels as if she hasn’t eaten for what seems to be years, but it only had been a few agonizing days. There nothing comparable to the gnawing pain of hunger, sure being burned alive, or stabbed in battle is quite painful, but she didn’t care for the pain levels, she could care, and right now she could care less about her manners, she was starving.
Still on her knees, she leaned forward. The chains held her close to the wall, tugging at her weakened arms. Lucifer gracefully slid his forefinger along her jawline, then gently held her long hair back, away from her face.
He still watched the ceiling. Did he even blink?
Vesta shuddered as the cool air bit against her skin, and vanished within her hair, which Lucifer still had clenched into his fist. She leaned in closer towards the bowl, finally her lips met with the warm thickened blood. She sunk her face into the pool of blood, drinking the luscious beverage. She shot back up, gasping in air, her pale face was obscured by the crimson fluid, it oozed it way down to the hollow part of her neck, cradling itself there. She felt the revive her weakened body, the stinging warmth, burned against her skin, speeding up her pulse. The blood scent a tingling feeling around her cheek, and down her spine, filling them with an intoxicating venom. Vesta’s veins pulsated against the scorching heat of her skin; yet as Lucifer placed his hand on her shoulder, the touch, crisp and subtle, soothed her, and drew away all of her pain. She felt him, and heard him completely. Another heart was beating, another voice was heard. It was Lucifer’s voice, but not the Lucifer that stood beside her, watching her alertly with those cold eyes.
How do you feel my Vesta?
Vesta jumped up with widened eyes. “What’s going on! What’s happening?”
Her vision blurred and enhanced drastically, back and forth the dilation repeated. Vesta began to hear another heart, it beat louder and closer against her eardrum, driving her nuts. She started to bash her head against the stoned wall, swinging her arms insanely, screaming in anguish as the needle-like pain began to puncture her insides.
Lucifer fisted her hair tighter and swung her onto her back, he stepped over her, sitting, pinning her down. He gripped both her wrist and pulled her arms over her head, she struggled to loosen his grip, she kicked her legs, trying to push him off of her, but failed.
“Vesta listen, listen!” Lucifer shook her until she sobbed, feeling vulnerable all over again. “I know it hurt’s but I need you to bear with it.”
She opened her eyes glaring up at him. “What is happening… to me?”
Lucifer grew one claw and unlocked the shackles that were chained around her arms, the claw vanished back into a finger. “You’re awakening.” He whispered.
She gritted her teeth, a bit annoyed with the unanswered questions. “What does that mean?”
Lucifer got up from above her, and used hair to pull her up. She hissed in pain.
“It means after you completely awaken, you’re mine.”
“What? I didn’t sign for any of this!” She yanked her hair away from him, as he began to take a whiff of the scent again.
Lucifer sauntered towards the door, opening it wide. Beams of light penetrated through the black room, illuminating and revealing the dark cellar. Vesta shielded her eyes as the lights glow pierced into her irises, burning them. She covered her scorching eyes, screeching in anguish as smoked blazed against her palm. Lucifer didn’t turn to face her, but instead smirked as her scream grew louder.
“Does it hurt?” He sneered, “Does it make want to scream!”.
Vesta crunched into a fetus position, as her entire body began to burn and scar, blood seeped between her fingers, bathing her pale hands.
“Let me show you how delectable agony can feel.” Lucifer chuckled hysterically.
He widened the door’s opening to let all the light flood through the room. “How does that feel?” He growled.
Vesta howled in pain, trying to shield herself from the wretched light, yet each movement she made her bones would nearly penetrate the flesh. There was so much anguish, nothing she couldn’t have imagined, the piercing agony pressured upon her chest, shallowing her every breath. She got up, every bone in her body misplaced itself, dancing along her transparent skin. Vesta stumbled swiftly to every corner as the blood from her eyes dripped it’s delectable trail. Each corner she met the devilish light that tormented her so, a light that was once so beautiful now stabbed her brutally with its golden daggers. She dug her nails along her arms, and face as her eyes bled uncontrollably. She gnashed her teeth, snarling and growling against her palms trying to pull herself together, yet every time she tried Lucifer’s spirit only grew more electrifying, tormenting her more, to such a great extent that she no longer felt human, nor did she feel like an animal, she was lower than that through his eyes. Once she knew of his game, she finally gave up and just laid their flat on her torso, as the scorching pain continued to teeth its way through her skin.
End of chapter
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Salutations.
It seems the previous reviewer has addressed the majority of the errors concerning plot, style, setting, etc. so I shall focus on the technicalities of your work instead.
My Legend:
Red - correction
Orange - suggestion
Green - addition
Blue - removal
Whoa, too many metaphors in one sentence! The descriptions and imagery are well-written, albeit baffling, but you need to spread it out more evenly. I suggest removing the last one about Heaven being raped, since it is hopelessly confusing.
Actually, you can ignore the above comment; I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I suppose that is what happens when you walk into a novel that has already progressed, but if you cannot even pick out the grammatical errors because you are too confused to make sense of the story, then you should seriously reconsider what you have written.
Your imagery, for example, is not bad, but it is too much. In fact, it is overwhelming. You know what they say about "too much of a good thing being bad," right? Well, this is one of those cases.
Your story in this chapter is also contradictory - if this chapter is about Heaven and Hell waging war, then how can they die? Remember, these are places to where departed souls go, so if the angels and demons were to die, where would their departed soulds go? They aren't supposed to die, so what now? It defies the purpose of eternity, doesn't it?
Your story has potential, but you have to think it through more. Nobody said writing was easy, but with practice (and much reading!), it will become easier.
A prosperous New Year to you!
Okay, this is my first review on this site so you will have to bear with me on any formatting errors.
My speciality tends to be honing in on small errors that can disturb the pace of, what I have found, to be a very enjoyable story so far.
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I would consider changing the comma to a piece of punctuation that offers a bigger pause to separate the two clauses and rewording the second clause to be less awkward. Personally I would say: "one of the guardian angels in half; a demon that Snow recognized to be named Oafish."
It isn't perfect by any means, but feel free to use it if you decide to change it
-When it changes from third person to first person it confused me a little and I was unsure as to whose POV I was reading from. There are various ways to make this clearer- for example you could have her reference her name somehow- e.g "Vesta. Yes. My name. The one thing that was certain in this battle."
-I was also confused when she was covering her eyes from the light because it mentioned before that her arms were shackled behind her back- there was a big thing about how she couldn't eat properly because of it.
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Who is Luce?
Ahaha this was probably just where you changed a character's name so I just thought I'd be
annoyinghelpful and point it out. . .I was also wondering why Vesta is called a mortal by Lucifer. I thought she was an angel at first, then demon, both traditionally non-mortal. I would suggest working in some sort of explanation of this- for example Vesta could be thinking over the battle and who they were fighting for- and bring up the issue of mortals and non-mortals. (That's a crappy idea, don't use that)
-Now for the positives!
I really enjoyed this story. It's the type of thing I like to read, Vesta seems like a cool, brave character (although a little arrogant at times) (which is a good thing, might I add) (Character flaws=good)
I love the imagery and description- this definitely seems to be your strong point. The opening paragraph is spot on and I really liked the way you didn't hold back on the gore. There are a few phrases in here that really work very well indeed.
Definitely keep writing!
Hey there! *trumpets sounding* I have come to review!
I always like to start off by shredding the first paragraph since it is a very important part of the story. I will mix my nitpicks in here and there when I find them (since I review as I go), but I won’t point out every single one since you have to learn to look for things on your own (I’ve also found that this helps negate the nagging feeling of my reviews hahaha)
Anyways, here we go!
Loved the way you opened this work. My only pick is “spilling its seed of betrayal” It seems more like spilling water than seeds since seeds are usually spread or thrown. Just a random thought, your choice whether or not to change…
I love the way you use imagery of the hell that is going on. It makes it seem despicable and its very well written, but I do have a few nitpicks:
Nitpick 1: This is part of a run on sentence that is separated by a semi-colon (which doesn’t count as a period, sorry)
Nitpick 2: the semi colon needs to be a comma because “my kingdom” is an appositive which renames “my home.” It should be “watch my home, my kingdom, fall into… (but you have to fix the run on first)
Nitpick: Mistress’s should be plural, not possesive, so “mistresses”
(Great imagery, by the way!)
Don’t use semi-colons that often, they can be confusing even though they are legal to type with. It can hurt your grammar such as the above quote. Leave it as a separate sentence, then describe what is ripping their skin, because you only said that they were hung.
I am a bit confused with this sentence. What tree? And how can a tree weep with revolting pleasure? I feel like there were two different pictures here and you accidentally squished them together...
If there was a place to put a semi-colon it would be here.
Your writing was going splendidly, but this makes it seem somewhat younger. Since you have already said that the dark angels were coming out of the sky, you do not have to say “one dark angel named Snow,” you can just say something more like “The leader of the company, Snow, placed his first arrow in a demon’s throat. His name had been Oafish, but now the debt had been settled for the wretchedly broken angel.” Give me something more than their names and positions. Show
Since he is a demon, you don’t need to tell us that he has a devil-like claw, instead you can use your words better on timing of the angels, such as “However, before Snow could fire, Oafish smiled wickedly and pushed his claw through…” Does that make sense?
So can angels live without a heart? Because I’m pretty sure if someone ripped my heart out I would be dead within the next two seconds… Just curious.
If you pull this out by putting the dialgue tag inbetween the two sentences then it will seem a lot more epic and insane. Otherwise we end up reading it a little too fast and it doesn’t seem quite right.
And I have a nitpick: “there was none” needs to be “were none” because you are talking about doors, not a door.
Nitpick 1: you forgot the quotation mark at the end of the first saying
Nitpick 2: you need a period after “He spat in laughter” and then capitalize the “but” at the beginning of the next saying
I’m guessing the first part is a big typo, so I thought I’d point it out. This whole area could use a little help on nitpicking, but I will let you find those.
What happened to the demon?
Instead of “spilled” perhaps “came or something else would be a better word
So, both of these tell the reader something. We want you to show a bit more. You told us Snow’s actions, but you didn’t tell us much of what he is feeling except the cliche *tear, I can’t believe she’s gone* kind of thing. This is a great area to show us Snow’s personality. Does he honestly want to stay by her side or does he know that it is always duty over family?
Also, by him saying “oh god”, he is an angel, wouldn’t that be taking God’s name in vain? How is he using it? As a prayer? Are there things that angels do for each other when they die? Does he have the hope that his sister is in God’s hands now?
This here is confusing and full of typos and grammatical errors. I won’t pull every single one out, but I quoted it here so you’d know.
Your semi-colons are not okay. That semi-colon needs to be a comma and there also needs to be a comma after jolted.
So here we can see a bit of redundancy. A lot of the sentences began with “he did this, he saw that” while we are a little confused on where all the awesome imagery went from teh beginning? What happened to the first person narrator? What is he seeing? What did he feel? Are we reliving Snow and Oafish’s story or the narrator’s memory because he couldn’t have been in all of those places at once...
And I am still confused on where this demon came from...
You shouldn’t need the dashes in between here. I like the fact that Snow finally did something, but you are still only telling me what he did and if you are going to do that then we need to know that this is what the narrator remembered seeing, not how the whole thing went down.
What guilt? Snow didn’t do anything...
Whose lips? The previous paragraph was a little confusing, don’t be afraid to use names, you just can’t overuse them.
If you put “as” in front of “lucious” and in front of “crimson” this part might flow a bit better. Also, there was a narrator at the beginning of this story who said that he had watched it go down, therefore, he cannot know what this tastes like. If you wish to keep that in there then you must change the point of view.
Redundancy here with “wings”
Also, if the wings are unfurled then they are out but you say that they are in two slits, perhaps a bit more description here?
Use a period instead of a comma here. Separate separate ideas.
You don’t need the first comma there. There is a difference between compound and complex sentences.
Tell me her hair is black before you tell me where the hair is going because otherwise we get the “pale” idea of her fair and mix it in with a “pale” idea of her hair.
Bro, your semi-colon to a comma >:(
First comma to a period...
Redundancy here with lips...
You suddenly switched to present tense, that needs to be past tense with “it was”
Also, “his lower part of his jaw” doesn’t flow nicely. Make it “the lower part of his jaw”
He didn’t seem quite angry enough to reject her until now. Throw a little more of his emotion in with the first description, saying something about how he loved her beauty, but it would not lay on his mind like that tonight. Instead he would be thinking of his sister and the disservice that was done to her.
Also, where is he gazing? That part doesn’t go with wiping blood off his lips...
Now, I will stop quoting so many things and simply talk on content:
The first paragraph where the narration really begins has several typos, past and present tense problems, and redundancy things. It has good content and idea, but just typing issues. One of the best things I heard to do about this was either copy and paste it into google translate and have it read things to you or you can read it aloud for yourself and you will catch a lot of things.
You mention how Angels are killing Nephilim, but I thought Nephilim were part angel and part man, so why are the angel killing them?
Also, I did not realize who the narrator was, so the dialogue between Vesta and Snow was confusing. Did he hit her against a rock or someone else? It seems like there is a third person there, but then again it seems like there isn’t because you are switching back and forth between Vesta’s feelings from her exact perspective to possibly someone else’s.
And also, cussing is no way to be a lady, I would say to take out the cursing because it serves no purpose in the book except to let the reader know that she is mad. Use other language, make up your own if you have too, but you are lowing the enjoyment levels of readers when you put daily language into this. It is supposed to be exciting to read, not revolting.
The rest of the story has good idea, but it does not seem fully communicated or consistent. You began with past tense, switched and struggled for a bit in the middle, and then ended up writing in present tense. Pick one and stick with it.
I like the way you introduced Lucifer, but it needs a lot of work. The dialogue is too flat and you are trying to show reactions through how their voices are used. Instead, try and give me reactions and thoughts from the narrator about how the characters are thinking and feeling. I still have no clue who is narrating. Lucifer seems awesome (the way you wrote him, not as a person hahaha) but it needs more show and not tell. Such as, don't tell me “his hand went for the blade but mine was there first.” tell me that “his eyes said something, it was whispered and captivating, something that could have held me forever had I not seen the intention in them. A flash of movement and I snatched the blade away from him.”
See the difference? Trust your readers to understand that he went for the blade. Don’t tell us “he went for the blade” because that makes for a rather dull story.
Who is Luce? I thought we were talking about Vesta…
You say the door screamed and then it creaked. Pick one or make it flow. Your consistency is getting wacky. It was perfect in the beginning two paragraphs and then it just kind of left.
And I found your problem! This should solve a lot of things if you can fix this: You are switching between first and third person which also causes a change to you past and present tense. Either you write like Katniss or you write like Harry Potter but you can’t have both. This is screwing up everything. You have such a brilliant idea, but your narration is… well… I’ve already said it.
Okay, so the ending with her in the cellar is interesting, but you never explained how she got there. There are also a plethora of grammatical errors and typos throughout the last section, but you will have to look for them, I am simply going to let you know that they are there.
In conclusion, you have a wonderful idea to go on, it just needs a lot of nitpicking and editing help. You need to pick which voice to speak in and stay there, then you need to add a bit more imagery as you had in that amazing first paragraph.
Good thoughts and ideas, I hope to read more (especially because your villain is amazing).
Happy Writing!