Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
He kneels before her, lying roses upon her deathbed. He did not know of his actions, he did not care at all, he just turned strolling home like any other.
He sleeps.
Whispering screams crawl down his spine.
He awakens.
And there stood his ghastly corpse bride.
She speaks.
“Wanting to believe that there is still hope.
But something tells me to let it all go.
Not wanting to breathe, but not wanting to die.
How can I move on if this hatred plagues my mind?”
“This blank boundless life ties me around this boulder,
Throwing me into a river,
Forcing me to feel the wrath of mutiny and rage.
All bounded in one, massive, pain.”
“These unsealing wounds,
These crimson lips that bleed, can’t speak for themselves!
So let me help…
I’ll let you see this hateful nightmare!”
“Remember that time, you took me by the hand
Holding a glimmering object upon your palm?
Yea that was a scalpel.”
She penetrated her nails into his leg.
“Imagine your own heart,
Torn from your chest drenched in sweltering needles,
Doesn’t sound so good now does it?
But that’s exactly what you did to me sweetie!”
She laughed insanely.
“So before I I drain thy blood from your heart,
Let me ask you one thing…
Was it worth it to bury me six feet under?
Did it feel good to watch me die?”
She lifted him by the nape.
“How many other innocence have you manipulated in life.
How many have you penetrated with that damned knife!
But don’t worry, you’ll get yours soon.
So you better watch your back, you better hide your repulsive heart.”
“You never even let me say the words as your bride!”
She threw him to the ground, stabbing her heel through his torso.
The man bellowed in pain.
“But once we meet again,
I’ll have no mercy. I’ll be your ruthless image.
I’ll be the one caging your life in darkness.
I’ll be your living hell. In one massive, unbreakable…
Nightmare.”
One snap, then a crack, she sauntered away,
with her husband head.
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140,198 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Wow, this is one of my favorite Tim Burton movies too despite the fact I didn't see the Corpse Bride from the beginning. I don't see much wrong with this except that it needs a bit more detail, more description between the dialogue. For insistence, I would like to know the shock on the husband's face, the fear. What thoughts were running through his mind. What his room was like, the temperature, did his late bride come through an open window or a terrace door with the wind howling, the moon high. Just a suggestion, it's fine if you're leaving room for imagination.
Thanks for the advice I'll definitely add more detail on the husbands point of view, I guess I put a little too much room for the imagination XD! Thanks again.
Hello, heavymetal247!
Magenta here! I haven't done a review in a long time, but I'm here now, ready to write. I must say, that this was a very dark, short story. I thought it was more poetry than story, but that is only opinion. I have very little to write about, since you are a very good writer. But I must bring the middle of this to your attention, because it was slightly confusing.
In the middle, you wrote:
"“Wanting to believe that there is still hope.
But something tells me to let it all go.
Not wanting to breathe, but not wanting to die.
How can I move on if this hatred plagues my mind?”
“This blank boundless life ties me around this boulder,
Throwing me into a river,
Forcing me to feel the wrath of mutiny and rage.
All bounded in one, massive, pain.”
“These unsealing wounds,
These crimson lips that bleed, can’t speak for themselves!
So let me help…
I’ll let you see this hateful nightmare!”
“Remember that time, you took me by the hand
Holding a glimmering object upon your palm?
Yea that was a scalpel.”"
I am confused at what point she starts and stops speaking. I think that this would be better if she only had two lines of dialogue that were clear to the reader. It is a very important part of the story, that must be understood, in order for the reader to feel the fear that I believe, was meant to be evoked or invoked (which one, I don't know). Correct me, if I stand wrong in anything that I may say.
And when you say, "How many other innocence have you manipulated in life", I am sure you meant to say, innocent.
And at the end--what a dreadful end for him, it was--, you say that "she saunters away with her husband head". You either meant of say, with her husband's head or with her husband dead. I believe both would work here, because we know that she has gotten her revenge. Or was that not what she wanted?
I don't understand? Is she dead or not? Does she still lurk the streets at night, a pale and ghastly corpse that has nothing left, but the murder of her husband still on her mind? You must tell me if she lives? This wicked creature, I must know, in order to find peace at night in the quiet, but dark shadows of my room. Spare me! For I must know that I am safe.
You did a very good job with creating a short horror story. Few people are able to create a fearful feeling with few words, as you have done! Congrats and I hope you have a great review day!
- Magenta
Thank you so much I will fix everything that you had suggested, its was great advice, and I'm really sorry it's confusing sometimes I have an idea that is great in my head but when I write it down with excitement, some things tend to be left out. Thank you again.
I am always happy to read and review! Great writing!