I Saw You

Hello, heavymetal247, thehotinpsychotic is here to review!

I really overall liked this story; it was powerful and detailed for only a paragraph. It was told in a gloomy and chilling sort of way, and I really like your voice in this work.

I do have some constructive criticism, while it's mostly little factors. I SAW YOU is a neat way to start the paragraph; it pulls you in immediately. The only thing is that I would suggest you italicize it rather than put it in all caps; it gives off the same inflection, but only looks more refined and professional (If italicizing isn't an option on this website oops my bad).

I like that you include the date, but I found it to be oddly specific. Specific dates and times are fine, but it just stuck out strange at the end of a longer sentence. I would suggest putting it at the beginning of a sentence; put more detailed facts first so the reader isn't caught off guard.

"Your head swerved, facing my frail body, piercing me with that glare of yours. You hissed words I could not comprehend. Your appearance was intriguing; your long hair cloaking your pale face."

I found these three sentences put together to not flow well. Upon the first read they didn't sound well together at all, but now that I reread it, I don't think it's as uneven as I'd thought. Perhaps add some more thought to the last sentence of that section to help it flow better.

Like I said, this was a very good piece; all of my critique had to be little things! Good job, keep writing!

Hey HeavyMetal! Yup time to review your story! It was creepy and chilling most defiantly. This is what I don't like about being the second person who reviews because often I feel like I'm jus parroting the one who went before me. Anyway, the imagery in this story was pretty good. It defiantly lived up to the expectations of your genera choice anyway. I liked the way you capitalized the "I SAW YOU" at the beginning because it was a really quick good way to just jump right into it. Like one second I'm in my own skin and BAM I'm that lady in an instant. Also, I don't know if you meant to do this during your closing sentence but I liked the way the words "bed", "end", and "beloved" sound together. I think the repetition of that harsh 'd' sound gave the sentence good rhythm and that helped it to leave more of an impact particularly because it was the closing line.

So for some constructive criticism.. Hassan down there was right about the semi colon thing. A lot of your sentences here could use them to break them up a little so it's not just comma sentence comma sentence and so on. When you have two independent clauses that you want to join, just use a semi colon to skip the ", (conjunction)" part. In theory you can sequentially use as many as you want, but I only ever use one. So for here "Your appearance was intriguing, your long hair cloaking your pale face" could become "Your appearance was intriguing; your long hair cloaking your pale face." From there you could probably start another sentence. I liked the way you attempted to format a sentence like that though because when there's variety in sentence structure, it really helps to keep the whole thing from sounding too monotonous or too long winded.

Good little piece overall, particularly the imagery. I really enjoyed it!

~AlteringCreation

Helloo.
Hassan here with a review.

So I have mixed feeling about this.
I get the romantic and the horror vibe in it. Your descriptions were good and the imagery you created was very apt for the genres. You also managed to create an appropriate atmosphere in so few words.

However there are some nit-picks too. Sorry for that
Umm... I'm not exactly sure but the semicolon might have been used wrongly in the first sentence.
It is supposed to link together two Independent clauses. The first one was, but the "as you crept..." bit was not.
I may be wrong, but you might want to look at it again and check from somewhere else.
Also you used the word "your" have a dozen times. Perhaps substitute them for another one or rephrase the sentences?
Lastly one sentence was tooo long.

"Your appearance was intriguing, your long hair cloaking your pale face, the only color that had shone brightly was your invigorating, predator-like eyes that penetrated me beautifully like the Violet Carsons that lie beside my bed, waiting for death to kiss them farewell. "

Try to split this into shorter ones.


God!
I feel horrible for dissecting your writing.
Remember this just my opinion.
I may be wrong.

Apart from the errors, this was a good piece.
As I mentioned earlier, your descriptions were good and you painted a very good picture of what was happening.
I'd love to read a longer version of this.


Hassan