I Saw You #2

Something this short has got to affect the audience. Each word, each sentence, must be intimate, intricate, intense. You're not giving the reader much to read, so you have to make sure you deliver this paragraph with a punch.

your mask clamping your insipid face

Why is a mask covering her emotionless face? You're trying too hard here. Pick one and milk it. In fact, instead of just telling us what expression (or lack thereof) is on her face, show us. Describe what she looks like, her facial expressions, the look in her eyes. Is there makeup on her face? Bags under her eyes? Are her lips turned down in a frown or are they neutral?

It was a transparent type mask that fitted you perfectly, cloaking your fears that seemed so long gone, but in reality this fear feasted deeper within your flesh than ever before.

Look at the words I've emboldened. You switch tenses a lot in this sentence, as you can see. Pick a tense and keep with it.

Yes I can see through those tormenting eyes, that longed to cry but couldn’t, you can't hide from me foolish girl.

See the comma after "couldn't"? That should be a semicolon. Will make the sentence flow so much better.

the pain that kills every inch of you like a parasite robbing its prey

I find this to be a weird comparison to use. Well, actually, it's a good one to use, but it doesn't feel complete. Perhaps tag on "of life" to the end of the sentence?

the torment that wrenches at your heart,

You already used torment to describe the eyes. Try a different word.

the you that you cannot see,

You put emphasis on the wrong words here. I think it would work best if you put emphasis on other. Also, perhaps change "Well I was the girl" to "well, I'm you" so it reads >> Well, I'm you - the other you, the you that you cannot see.

I am everything you once was

Were*


Well, this was pretty interesting! I like the amount of description and imagery in this, but be warned, it can definitely kill a story for you if you overdo it. For something of this length, I don't think you overdid it. You were close, in my opinion, but you didn't use five adjectives for one thing, so that was good.

However, I do think you failed to deliver the main point of this. I'm not even sure what the main point was. The title is "I Saw You" (which I think should be changed to "I See You") so I know the point was to describe what the narrator is seeing, which is themselves(?) But I want to know why. Why does it matter? Why are you going through the trouble of telling us how this girl looks and that you're keeping her alive but you don't tell us why?

Other than that, this was really good and I enjoyed reading it. I hope you take what I said into consideration. Hopefully this review helped. Thank you for sharing this.

~Iggy

Okay, first of all, I really like this! I think you really did a great job at making the reader think you were talking about another person looking at someone, when rather it was the same person, with a different view, looking at her self in the mirror? Or just looking at her self metaphorically. Whichever, it was well done. : )

That said, past tense and present tense seem to brush up on this, and I find it very hard not to do this by accident. I will try to point some of that out as I help you with some edits.

It was a transparent type mask that fitted you perfectly, cloaking your fears that seemed so long gone, but in reality this fear feasted deeper within your flesh than ever before.

I'd suggest "fit you perfectly" rather than fitted. This could have been a typo. If you would like to emphasize the past then I'd suggest adding "would have".

"...mask that would have fit you perfectly..." That's my suggestion.

Yes I can see through those tormenting eyes,

Since you started this out with a past tense "I saw you" you need to continue with that past tense or the work will seem a little odd.

I'd suggest just replacing "saw" with "can see" or just "see" through-out this.

Who was I you may ask?

I'd suggest taking out the "may", I don't think it is necessary and it doesn't work for that sentence. And I think at this point, you should space this out so that it's on another line. I think it will benefit the flow of this poem or short.

but I am here. I can dream, I can breathe, I can live, I can love, I can hurt...

I think you should edit this. I think everything should be past tense. It's quite conflicting to just switch over to present tense. She's writing this whole thing from a present to past perspective right? If she's in the present talking about her past (even if just a moment ago) it has to all be in past tense.

If you wanted to switch it up, like she was talking about the past, and then she's talking in present. I'd suggest you switch it up earlier from the "Who was I you ask?" part.

You should change that to "Who am I you ask?" That would help lead the transition to now her in the present speaking in present tense. Other wise keep the whole thing past.

I am everything you once was.

It should be "I am everything you once were." But I also think this sounds odd, so I'd suggest not using this sentence at all. I'd suggest trying a different one.

"I am everything you use to be." <- That's an option.

"I am everything you were once before." <- another option.

I hide inside...

I am a little conflicted as to whether it should be "hide or hid" but I'll let that one go, please consider looking over this and editing the past and present tense conflicts. x)

I really like the ending!

~keep writing and dreaming!