Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...that was quite a story there....definitely carries a very powerful message in there...well...looks like a love story gone..very very bad there...sadly that applies to reality a little too well sometimes...oh well...me reacting to all of this in more detail down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I kept thinking to myself what if it didn’t have to be this way, yet I forget that hope doesn’t exist for me anymore. The word love, it once felt warm between my lips, but now… now it was something vicious, nothing but a bitter hate that boiled within me, ready to melt my flesh and bones. What love meant to you, is no longer in my dictionary. Saying the word now penetrates my tongue with a venomous disgust, its toxic fumes rise and pierce my eyes, leaving them to drown. What love is to you is nothing but a filthy lie to me.

Nor this: window

Nor this: dagger

Have you ever heard of a story, a story about a window that was cracked by it’s own will? Well this window was pure, and innocent, once clean from the sins of the world.

This window was clean until she opened up and saw you. You revealed to her love, You revealed to her hope, and exposed her feelings that she could no longer conceal. You cradled her within your wings, obscuring your face within a mask, whispering nothing but repulsive lies. Yet, she believed you. Months had passed, and you adored her, loved her, lusted her, missed her, needed her, wanted her, possessed her, trapped her, abused her, raped her, hated her, destroyed her. It wasn’t enough it was never enough, so you pulled off the mask showing your true face. Your dagger pierced her with threats, you enjoyed the taste of her and pain, you enjoyed watching her tears ooze down and crack the glass. You killed her.

Love is the name that stains all victim’s lips. It intoxicates you, adores you, then betrays you. It sinks it’s blades into our hearts. “Victims aren't we all.”

Hello!

Very dark and vivid. I enjoyed it. Some things did feet off for me:

"Well this window was pure, and innocent, once clean from the sins of the world."

I would turn clean into cleaned. The comma after pure is not needed. Use a semicolon after innocent to connect the sentence.

"Well this window was pure and innocent; once cleaned from the sins of the world."

Or you can pick up the anticipation with a triple threat sentence:

"Well this window was pure, innocent, and clean from the sins of the world."

"Your dagger pierced her with threats, you enjoyed the taste of her and pain,..."

This part of the sentence sounds awkward.

Take a look into comma usage. There's ways to connect sentences without commas. The semicolon or a dash, etc. Too many commas can make prose sound clunky. Switch up your sentence length, too. Short is powerful. The long sentence defines a dreary journey through a long story which the reader feels the impact of every word, syllable, and letter; a mosaic master piece of literary manipulation. Use a long sentence to mirror monotony, use the short sentence to demonstrate power, and use everything in between to make your prose musical.

Try pulling out all of your ING words as well. It will help the descriptive points of your prose.

Hi! I am here to review your story! How I do this is I copy and paste the story and I edit and review it as I read it, as if I were just a normal everyday reader. I will write down what I am thinking as I go through! I hope this is helpful and I am super excited to read this!!!


"I kept thinking to myself(,) what if it didn’t have to be this way(.)" It was run on sentence before by adding a comma and period it helps the flow of the sentence.

"(Yet) I forget that hope doesn’t exist () anymore." Capitalize and if you take out the (for me) it adds a lot more emphasis, as if hope is completely gone.

"The word love, it once felt warm between my lips, but now… now it was something vicious, nothing but a bitter hate that boiled within me, ready to melt my flesh and bones. What love meant to you, is no longer in my dictionary. Saying the word now penetrates my tongue with a venomous disgust, its toxic fumes rise and pierce my eyes, leaving them to drown. What love is to you is nothing but a filthy lie to me." LOVE THIS. SUCH A STRONG STATEMENT!!!

Have you ever heard of a story, a story about a window that was cracked by it’s own will? Well this window was pure() and innocent(;) () clean from the sins of the world. Add a semi colon, and take out the word once.

~This window was clean until she opened up and saw you. You revealed to her love, You revealed to her hope, and exposed her feelings that she could no longer conceal.~ Word choice is a bit strange here, I don`t really understand.

~You cradled her within your wings, obscuring your face within a mask, whispering nothing but repulsive lies. Yet, she believed you. Months had passed, and you adored her, loved her, lusted her, missed her, needed her, wanted her, possessed her, trapped her, abused her, raped her, hated her, destroyed her. It wasn’t enough it was never enough, so you pulled off the mask showing your true face. Your dagger pierced her with threats, you enjoyed the taste of her and pain, you enjoyed watching her tears ooze down and crack the glass. You killed her.~ LOVE THE IMAGERY!

~Love is the name that stains all victim’s lips. It intoxicates you, adores you, then betrays you. It sinks it’s blades into our hearts. “Victims aren't we all.”~ Who says the last sentence?

Okay so overall I loved the imagery and the story line. I liked the message and how it all played out. But it was a bit hard to follow when it came to the window. I understood generally but it was a bit confusing and when I read this out loud I had to stop a few times and really look at certain sentences to understand them. Always remember to read your work out loud and get other people too as well. Because your own speaking techniques become interwoven in your writing and you will think little errors aren't there. Again. Overall I loved it and I love your writing style! I am excited to read more from you!

From
WelcomingException