Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
“Shut up and leave!”
Those were the last words you heard from your mother before a man stabbed her right through the skull with his dagger. You can still hear the bones shatter and crack, the images still flashing before your eyes. Blood spewing out from her eyes and ears.
Was this the image of Bloody Mary? You thought.
You were only four; only four and the devil within you has already awoken, you were stained with his sins that were soon to be his nightmare. You wanted him dead; you wanted him to suffer the pain. You wanted to hear him scream for mercy, as he gushed out his vial fluid. You wanted this dagger; that you held in your palm, to penetrate steadily into his eyes. To distort him like a roach that has been mutilated by a child, a fly that had its wings torn right out of its back; or maybe a hunter that flicks his wrist against a squirrels neck, splitting it open creating a second pair of lips. But was it normal for a child to think of ways to kill another human? No, but you didn’t fucking care what people thought about you; you were only four.
Several years passed, and you finally graduated college. You haven't plotted a murder plan yet; you didn’t even remember anything about a murder plan. You sat by a cafe named Sacred; you’ve been visiting Sacred ever since your mother had died. Sacred gave off a soothing vibe, like the many times your mother had cradled you in her arms singing in silence. Now she was singing in silence; singing six feet under where no one could hear.
You finally decided to leave, and left a five dollar tip for the waiter. As always you turn and trip over the strap of your bag; leaving a ghastly scrape on your knee. You quickly scan around to see if anyone had noticed; no one did. You got up from the ground and headed down towards the intersection; only to find out someone behind you was following, you continued your clumsy stroll.
“Hey you!” Someone called out from behind, you were the only one that seemed to notice him. You stopped and glanced over your shoulder. It was a man with dark hair; that mostly blanketed over his right eye, he was pale and looked a bit malicious. He jogged towards you with something in his hand. Suddenly you slightly shift your body; facing towards him.
“You might need this.” He hands you your wallet.
A random lady walks right through him, slightly pushing you out of her way. You turn to glare at her forgetting what had happened. You then take the wallet and shove it into your bag while staring at the man, recognizing him from somewhere, but have no clue why.
“Thanks.” You turn away from him and continue your walk, but as soon as you reach the crosswalk; you realize why he had looked so familiar. He was the man that brutally killed your mother, he was that devil that destroyed your life, he was the man that stole your innocence.You turn furiously feeling the wrath of death’s powerful fist thrusting through your thoughts, the fiery rage composing itself louder and louder, finally engulfing your last thread of humanity. You run towards him, your palms are ready to clench his neck and slow down his pulse.
“You’re dead you mother fucker!” You shouted
The man pulls out a dagger, you try to stop yourself from running into the weapon, but it was too late. your vision turned vague, you feel your pulses slowing down, your blood runs cold freezing in place. Suddenly you see yourself sleeping as blood gushes out of your neck, with the dagger in your hand. With no trace of him.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hi, this Perfect Weapon, and I would like to say that this was AMAZING! I like the title, the length, the detail! This was so awesome! I like the back story, and love the plot period!< LOL look a period next to an exclamation point> Anyway, but I think when you said she shouted that he is dead, it should have been maybe in caps, because it would have more emphasis! I know I said I liked the detail that is in here, but at the same time a little more detail would add some more amazingness! < Is That A Word?> Please write more, continue writing, and advance in writing, because you obviously a good writer! Please Please Please write more, I love the gory idea, and thought behind it! I think it would take a while to work on something like this, get the details straight, ya'know? This was a great story!
PerfectWeapon
Hi, this Perfect Weapon, and I would like to say that this was AMAZING! I like the title, the length, the detail! This was so awesome! I like the back story, and love the plot period!< LOL look a period next to an exclamation point> Anyway, but I think when you said she shouted that he is dead, it should have been maybe in caps, because it would have more emphasis! I know I said I liked the detail that is in here, but at the same time a little more detail would add some more amazingness! < Is That A Word?> Please write more, continue writing, and advance in writing, because you obviously a good writer! Please Please Please write more, I love the gory idea, and thought behind it! I think it would take a while to work on something like this, get the details straight, ya'know? This was a great story!
PerfectWeapon
I don't know why it posted twice!?!?
XD Thanks that means a lot! The feedback was very helpful, I haven't been posting a lot of work, but I'll be sure to do so, I've been working on more short stories.... gorier ones XD of course, and I'll make sure to emphasis more, I'm glad you liked it, it's always nice to hear people admiring the beautiful side of darkness...........so cheeeeeeeezzzzzyyyyy (=^-%u03C9-^=) XD) so um.... yeah Thank you a lot! Be Awesome, Stay awesome, and of course Rock on!!!! \m/>.<\m/ Haha
Hello There! overall, well done! i loved the vivid imagery! it really painted a picture you segwayed very nicely from the backstory into the present and the characters felt very well developed, although i would have liked to see a little bit more emotion or dialogue between the characters. you did a great job writing in second person, which is a very difficult thing for me to do! the story had a nice rhythm and feel to it. a great read!
O.k. first off automatic like for writing in second person! I have read several solo role playing gamebooks so I am experienced in second person storytelling.
First criticism: In your fourth paragraph I think you could do without the maelstrom of punctuation. Although it is effective I got a tad confused and had to re-read, not a good thing. Perhaps change a few semicolons or comas to plain full stops.
Second criticism: Singing in silence? Yeah, this is probably a super clever metaphor but I don't understand: When I sing, it generally makes a noise.
Third criticism: "As always you turn and trip over the strap of your bag." This to me kinda makes it seem as if it was his custom to trip over every time he left that shop. Seems a bit strange.
Fourth criticism: Sixth paragraph: make the last clause a separate sentence.
Finally, the ending is really neat, but I think you rushed it a little. Start a new paragraph for the waking up. Possibly do it completely separately and have someone as a narrator talking about the body, rather like the ending of Pincher Martin by William Golding, only more effective due to a change in person. Just a thought. Sorry if I was at all harsh, I haven't reviewed for a while so I'm a little rusty.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Not at all harsh, criticism helps me grow and get better in my writing, which I'm really glad you did
. And thank you for the advice, sometimes I do tend to go fast when the assignment has a time limit. Thank you so much!
That was certainly different. Grammar seems all fine, apart from maybe a couple of typos, but I don't count those, and the beginning section detailing "your" life is actually really well written. The description of the anger is very well done and the description in general is good. What I would critisize is the ending. While very abrupt, you've caught it wrong. Some things are good, because the ending *is* so abrupt. Most of the time, the tying of loose ends is what works best. But here, you've caught it between the two points, so the ending simply feels rushed. It's not abrupt enough to warrant a buzz, but the ending isn't what you could call relaxed.
But the actual story, the main build-up and the rest is real nice, with excellent description, plus a nice twist with the second-person view. Some people will hate it, but I quite like it, what with being experianced with gamebooks and the like. So yeah, pretty good.
than you so much I appreciate it!
I was reading this and...wow, I don't think I have so much to say about the work yet I don't even know what to say. So far it seems like there are no grammatical errors but as for the story itself, I have no idea what intention you had when you were writing this but I find this story a very interesting experience due to the fact that this story is in second person yet the problem is that I don't know what to feel, should I feel scared? am I supposed to role play as this person? I think this story would work better if it's a video-game or it's something like a "choose your own" adventure story because there I actually feel like I am somehow involved. This story is still an interesting read though
thank you for the advice I will definitely look that over. And that would a school video game!