Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Mystery / Suspense

12+ Violence

Excrutiating Agony

by heavymetal247


A blemished life, running from my own paranoid mind.

Scorching blades pierce along the trail of my wrist,

Blood stained sins, my innocence ready to spill,

Yet misery will always seek out my silent screams.

Blistering blades penetrate along the path of my veins.

Tears begin oozing down along my insipid face,

Yet misery will always seek out my silent shrieks.

Will someone save me from the fiend I’ve become?

Tears graze their way along my face.

It’s the beginning of my end,

Will someone save me from the beast I’ve become?

Release my soul forever.

It’s the beginning of my end.

Bitter to the bone, lying paralyzed on my soon to be death bed,

Release my soul forever.

From here, I’ll grasp death’s abandoned hand.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
112 Reviews


Points: 2894
Reviews: 112

Donate
Mon Sep 29, 2014 1:01 am
GrandWild wrote a review...



Wow. That was great! I've read three of your other pieces, and none of them exceed this one. This was a brilliantly written poem. I. Loved. This. Poem. I really did. If you like things about death, you should check out my poem Death and my short story Afterlife. Death is in Horror and Afterlife is in Supernatural. They are both almost as dark as this poem, but not quite as much. Just thought you'd like to check 'em out!






Thank you I'm glad you liked it, and I can't wait to read your poem Death, dark literature always catches my eye :D thanks again. Rock on!



GrandWild says...


YEAH!!! :) Internet rocks. You get to meet so many cool people!!



User avatar
113 Reviews


Points: 307
Reviews: 113

Donate
Wed Sep 03, 2014 7:46 pm
Sherri wrote a review...



Hey Bassy :)
The imagery in this poem. Was so amazing! :D I got caught up in it instantly, and couldn't tear my eyes away. It's dark, but fittingly so; this is one of those maximum 'greats' you run in to. I completely agree with TurquoiseLion that so many people write basic, emotionless poetry and try to squeeze something out of it. That may sound harsh, but sometimes that;s what it seems like!
You, on the other hand, did a really good job. I would definitely consider the repetition of 'face' as an ending word, especially so close together, but other than that this is beautiful!
Also... how did your teacher react? Just curious :D
Anyways... awesome :D Let me know when you write something else if you have the time!






Thanks a lot Sherri! My teacher I think was worried she asked if I was alright XD and I will definitely tell you when I have other writings coming Thanks once again! :D





Thanks Sherri! Someone who thinks I'm RIGHT!!! XD



User avatar
70 Reviews


Points: 2833
Reviews: 70

Donate
Fri Aug 29, 2014 10:22 pm
View Likes
thePoeToaster43 wrote a review...



Simply splendid!
I hope your teacher wasn't to worried about you after this... You know how petty adults can be when someone "young" speaks of insanity. It's quite funny to watch really. What with the "Are you okay?" bits and all.
Anyways, I love this poem, it agrees with my darkness.
Especially "I'll grasp death's abandoned hand." Perfectly sums up the emotion that you were displaying in this piece.

Good Luck To You!






She did ask me that just because completely quiet in class, and now she sees I write a bit strange I guess! XD I just stared at her, and asked her "are you okay?" But anyways I'm glad you enjoyed it, it's nice to hear that people see the beauty in dark writing. :)





Honestly, dark poetry is the most beautiful you can come by! And I can't believe you asked her if she was okay! That's fantastic!!!





Ha ha thanks! XD



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 428
Reviews: 8

Donate
Wed Aug 20, 2014 7:14 pm
TurquoiseLion wrote a review...



I’m really impressed by this. So rare to find a poem both sad and well-written among the thousands of “I am sad. Sad is me. There is nothing but sadness in me. I cry. I die.” poems that people try to pass off as good.
I hope your teacher was impressed.
“Tears begin oozing down along my insipid face” and “Tears graze their way along my face” are a little too similar though. You might want to change or delete one.
Overall, though, I loved it.






Thank you very much, and I will definitely fix that





Welcome! :3



User avatar
58 Reviews


Points: 4569
Reviews: 58

Donate
Wed Aug 20, 2014 1:17 pm
jessiethought wrote a review...



Good poem! It definitely gives a lot of astute imagery for "excruciating pain!" You wrote this for English? Your English teacher's probably glad to find a good poem among the other, terrible writing that will be turned in. (Unless I'm guessing wrong.)

All right, prepare for the critique! (I don't have much to critique!) :)

Your grammar and punctuation are pretty much flawless. However, there is one spelling typo in the title. The first word should be "Excruciating" not "Excrutiating."

Scorching blades pierce along the trail of my wrist,


The phrase "along the trail of my wrist" confuses me. Where do they pierce? The phrase doesn't give me a good image of where you mean, and I'm not sure what to picture in my head. I had to pause for a second and try to puzzle out what you meant.

Yet misery will always seek out my silent screams.


This line and it's refrain confuses me a little, too. Misery will "seek out my silent screams"? What did you mean by that? The closest that I can get to an idea of what you are saying is "misery will always find me." I don't think I've understood those two lines very well. (Granted, it may be just me.) Please clarify what you meant.

Tears begin oozing down along my insipid face,

Tears graze their way along my face.


I really like the first line. The second, not so much. Instead of adding depth to the first line, the second line feels merely halfhearted and redundant.

Maybe these lines are too dissimilar. All your other refrains (I suppose that's the right word) are almost identical in syntax. Maybe add an adjective before "face" in the second line to keep the sentence structure of the lines close? Or change "begin oozing" to "ooze"? These are just possibilities. I don't really know what to do about it--you're the author, after all, so you can do what you want (if you want to do anything).

I also feel like the repetition of "face" at the end of the second line is not that great. Instead of adding depth to the first line, the second line feels merely halfhearted and redundant. Replace "face" with a different word? "Cheeks"?

From here, I’ll grasp death’s abandoned hand.


Why is death hand "abandoned"? Maybe consider adjective choice here.

Great imagery throughout! Overall, this is a good poem. I like it.

Don't worry about the length of this review; I write this much for pretty much everyone. People in school ask me to look over their papers and edit them. When they get the paper back, they are shocked by the sheer amount of red ink covering their paper. :)

~ jessiethought ~






Thank you so much for critiquing! And I 'll jump right on my editing. C:





You are mighty welcome!



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 432
Reviews: 8

Donate
Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:44 am
SnowyBirdie says...



Wow.

This was a very interesting poem to read.

You can just feel the emotion conveyed through this. It's relatable and very beautiful.






Thank you so much C:




Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't.
— Bill Nye