Cliched Romance

I am infinitely blue, a
watercolored sky, lips
of sun eager to kiss your
purple mountains that

roll away, like a billow
of smoke in the sun,
left with
Appalachian dreams,
a hollow bowl
to be filled with
wind-kisses.

The solution, a sip
of wine flavored with
a brush of October, to
'drown my sorrows', as
the old cliche goes.

And I am drowning, a
watercolored sky blissful in
soft shades of sundown,
lying on velvet-soft sheets,
paperthin the distance
between our hearts.

I am falling
in a watercolored
sky, in soft, sundown shades,
paperthin the distance
between us, as I am
Appalachian-dreaming.

Comments & reviews · 8
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Cade
Review
Cade wrote a review · Sat Aug 18, 2007 4:52 pm

I agree with Snoink and others. This poem does suffer from too much description, but hold on to it. When I have writer's block and I force myself to write, I usually come out with loads of description with not much meaning behind it. Description is easy for me, but of course you can't make a poem out of imagery. I hold on to my fragments of description though, because sometimes they come in handy.
I'm working on a poem right now that was basically written out of two separate occasions. One occasion gave me the meaning for the poem, really gave me some stuff to get into. The other occasion gave me the background, the imagery; I had written it when I had writer's block, and the result was about a page of description. I just borrowed from said page when I needed some nice imagery for the first part.
So hold on to this. I think it's lovely, although, like Clau, I dislike the last stanza.

-Colleen

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Snoink
Review
Snoink wrote a review · Sat Aug 18, 2007 5:46 am

First of all, you'll want to rate this so it'll show up on the front page. If it's not too late for that... ^_^;;

I know this wasn't your best, and you know it wasn't your best, so I won't waste your time telling you how much it wasn't the best. :P And I also won't tell you what I disliked, because let's face it; by now, you probably dislike the entire poem because writer's block tends to do that to people. So, instead, I shall tell you what I liked, and hopefully you can use what I liked to create a satisfying poem that pleases you. Because really, the poet is what matters the most. ;)

But I don't think it was bad. I loved the use of colors. I just wish that, attached to those colors, there would be more verbs and nouns. For instance, one of my favorite stanzas was the third one because it used the word "sip," "flavored," "brush," and "drowned." And I think it's clever that you used the word "solution." (But maybe that's just because I'm a chemistry geek?)

I like the line where you said, "And I'm drowning" because and means that it's an afterthought. Sort of like, "And I love her" for the Beatles. :D

Anyway, I hope your writer's block goes away! :D

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Bella
Review
Bella wrote a review · Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:58 am

I haven't read much of your work, so I can't compare it to your other stuff, but I didn't think it was really bad, nor absolutely wonderful. It didn't seem really emotional, as I think poetry should be, but it had it's own...style to it...that might not be the right word. I'm trying, really I am.
Good luck!
~Bells~

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Jasmine Hart
Comment

I agree that this isn't your best work, but your descriptions are beautiful as usual, and your enjambment made it flow beautifully, which really complimented the theme.It made me feel very peaceful.

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Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Fri Jun 15, 2007 1:23 pm

Have to agree that this wasn't the best. I mean if a poem is supposed to be cliche then that's great but I expect to see a cliche poem. That includes structure you see. If you'd used the sonnet format or one of the many other typical structures for a love poem it would probably have gone down better with me.

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biancarayne
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Claudette wrote:In my opinion, this poem was drowning in description and left me for no room to feel anything. It came off as wordy and packed full of images, rather than really having anything to express. And what is it that you are trying to express? (Good poetry doesn't have to be explained.)

I didn't like the last stanza much—it seemed like you were just summarizing everything above, or rather, using key words from above. You used water color three times, if not more, in the whole poem. It just...didn't work for me.

And the title? I suppose if you are going for a satirical poem, you could be better with it.


I know this wasn't that good...my brain seems to have entered a perpetual slump and I felt that I had to write something sooo...I wrote. Yes I'm stickin with my excuse.

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Emerson
Review
Emerson wrote a review · Thu Jun 14, 2007 8:00 pm

In my opinion, this poem was drowning in description and left me for no room to feel anything. It came off as wordy and packed full of images, rather than really having anything to express. And what is it that you are trying to express? (Good poetry doesn't have to be explained.)

I didn't like the last stanza much—it seemed like you were just summarizing everything above, or rather, using key words from above. You used water color three times, if not more, in the whole poem. It just...didn't work for me.

And the title? I suppose if you are going for a satirical poem, you could be better with it.



Everything has to be taken on trust; truth is only that which is taken to be true. It's the currency of living. There may be nothing behind it, but it doesn't make any difference so long as it is honoured. One acts on assumptions. What do you assume?
— Player (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)