Touched

I'll be with the pill bottles, the scalpels, the nooses
if you ever want to find me; I'll be looking at my
rain-rippled reflection in the glass, a ghost of me.
It's raining outside.
There's something about it,
like a dead man's bony fingers
on his coffin lid, that slips through me,
like a knife through butter

For a heartbeat- one that stays trapped in
my atoms, wiggling like an electric eel- I am young with
copperburst eyes and strawberry lips- then it fades fast.

We all fall down- like the rain on the
other side of the glass, like the shovel of a
man digging his grave. I would lie in it, but
the trees outside would shake their heads in pity,
their beards sodden with tears, as though
they know how this will end.

(I'll be with the pill bottles, the scalpels, the nooses,
I'll be there, a rain-rippled reflection
just beyond my reach)

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Points: 890
Reviews: 179

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Tue Oct 02, 2007 11:58 pm

biancarayne says...

To everyone who has commented on this so far, thank you so much! To any future comments: There was a part in here in here I took it because it was cliche, "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down," except there's this other part that doesn't make sense anymore without it so- put that back in or do something to the other part?? Oh, and there's definitely one other thing in here I'm gonna change, soon as I can think of something- the knife thru butter thing seems kinda...dunno, but there's a better way to put it I'm sure. Sooo I'll just work on this AND the Mixed Tape tomorrow. Oooh, and a poem that's due for my creative writing class...should be a kickbutt poet by the time I'm done with all this editing lol. Anyways, thanks again to everyone who's commented *hugs*

Points: 890
Reviews: 13

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Tue Sep 25, 2007 7:01 pm

nirvana says...

i really really liked this it flowed from one stanza into another and used brilliant emotions and imagery looking forward to the next one!!

Points: 8413
Reviews: 816

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Tue Sep 25, 2007 1:10 am

Leja wrote a review...

There's something about it,
like a dead man's bony fingers
on his coffin lid, that slips through me,

^ lovely image!

I didn't like how it was followed by a knife/butter reference, as that seemed to make it redundant. I also didn't like the first line; I thought it began the poem to... obviously. Same thing with the last, parenthese-d, stanza.

The third stanza was nice, but I thought something was off with the part about the man digging his own grave: the "we all fall down" made me start thinking of "Ring Around the Rosie", and then the idea didn't continue, though maybe you didn't mean it to.

I'm undecided as to whether the theme is overdone or well-used. The execution, however (if you'll pardon my unavoidable pun) is well thought out.

Points: 15961
Reviews: 661

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Sun Sep 23, 2007 5:52 pm

Jasmine Hart wrote a review...

You're magic, you know that? This was amazing. I love your imagery, and the flow is beautiful. Stanza five is my favourite, and I love the fourth line there. I'd add a couple of full stops, for example at the end. I wish I could be more constructive, but I'm completely enchanted by this. You just write so beautifully, and I love how this flows. The alliteration of "rain-rippled reflection" is brilliant. I really can't fault this. Brilliant, as usual.

Points: 890
Reviews: 188

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Sat Sep 22, 2007 9:05 pm

Evangelina wrote a review...

Wow, Bian, wow! Tres bien!

Now: S5 and S6 could be cut. I feel that all they do is drag the first four stanzas [which are amazing]; they are like weights. Perhaps a different reference than the Black Plague song, although it is interesting how you connected it to your poem. Still, I'd like to see a better ending.

This a truly wonderful peice of work.
Can't wait to see more!

-Evang.

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Touched

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