I
I close my eyes, feel small against
the dense black waiting there for me,
makes me cling to voice,
vision, breath minnowing from
I
(feel chest deflate,
punctured, and petals of the
cyclic rose in my core
furl, unfurl,
like sails,
takes me through waterways
too narrow,
ground to powder)
and remain I here
within this silence, utterly selfless-
without myself.
II
I close my eyes, shrink beneath
this spotlight,
this Godlight.
I swim in it, a fish, gills flare
for oxygen, take it in,
the bowl curves
(far, close, far,
depending how I lean)
I lean into where I was born,
reverting to embyro
swimming in
this womb-
Slid out, born to buffeting
sound waves,
forced into thought,
soul, and body minnowing
towards
I
(inflate ego,
tissues bloom, curl to
where life breathes first)
The universe spreads,
a map unfolded
and I hide in the creases,
beneath this spotlight,
this
Godlight.
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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
thank ya for the comment!!
Pretty good. Your Ideas were great. Work a litlle bit on your work choice though. If you keep readig and writing I can invision you being a fabulous poet. Still your work is very nice. Keep at it and good luck!
thank ya'll for the comment!!
hmmm...i like it but it's a little confusing to read. i don't know about the parenthases in the second stanza. also, instead of "makes me cling..." i would say "and i cling...". it just flows better. i would continue to work on it. nice job.
Hmm. Not sure what to make of this...very interesting stuff, veerrry interesting.
I like the very free-form approach to it. It's confusing to read, but enjoyable at the same time...it's almost like hearing something in another language and being able to appreciate the beauty of sound without understanding what's being said.
I'd still like to understand it more, though. I have no idea what's going on, I just like the tone and feel and general idea of the piece. I think you could add more concrete imagery just to give your reader something to hold on to without destroying the current feel of the poem.
I do like it...in a way I don't completely understand. The idea of genesis, of birth, is very beautiful, but I feel as though this poem is still cloudy and I can't get into it all the way.
Good stuff.
-Colleen