Hammerfists erase punctuation marks in favor of
acerbicrunons,
the static of bad reception adding a dulcet undertone to
to the screeching tires of your getaway car.
Fingertips trace the tracks you left behind,
dripping hopelessness
on sun scorched pavement, so
this roadside will be witness to this scene.
You get everything, and once again
I am left with a mouthful of dust,
spouting abstract, nonsensical phrases from a pen
that bleeds far more than this heart
is capable of, once more trading in
conventions in favor of
acerbicrunons.
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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
I really, really liked this, especially the concept of "acerbicrunons," which, I must admit, took me a minute to catch. (I was about to look it up; I'm that dumb.) The only line I didn't really care for was the first one - "hammerfists"? My only other complaint was that some of them didn't strike me as particularly "acerbic", and, in fact, some of it was kind of melancholy/nostalgic rather than biting or severe. I guess that's probably just due to it having a weird connotation in my head; it comes from the latin word for "bitter" and I guess by most definitions this poem definitely does express bitterness and some kind of longing. Lovely poem.
This was really good. I'd put a hyphen between "sun" and "scorched", but, other than that, there's nothing I'd want changed.
I liked it =D
Hopeless what? If you want that to be a none it should be 'hopelessness' or hopeless something.I really only have two complaints:
Also: You didn't end with a period or anything, and up until then you had proper punctuation, so why stop there...?
Nice job.
I haven't read (or critiqued for that matter) poetry for a long, long time, but after reading this, I think I might have to sneak back into the poetry forums.
I really enjoyed your theme of acerbic runons; it was quite well done. The beat of the words was very neat; it read smoothly.
You have a very powerful image here, and I like the idea of the roadside witnessing the scene. The only part I was not too fond of was the second line, "dripping hopeless, dripping neglect." The rest of the poem is quite vivid and gives clear, powerful images, but that line seemed weak in comparison to all the rest. If there were any ways you could make that more vivid, more visual, it would strengthen that entire section.
The more times I read this, the more I like it. It had a very dry, almost empty feel to it, and I liked that.
This poem is written in such a way that it almost tastes like dust reading it. It doesn't bleed with vibrant emotions; instead, it's dry and melanchoy - fits your imagery perfectly.
This was very well done; you captured the tone beautifully. Again, I haven't read poetry for a long time, so take my comments as a grain of salt, but it was a joy to read. Nice job and keep on writing, PM me if you have any questions. ^_^
Well, I liked it. I could hear the beat with your words! Not that I know much about Lyric poetry, but in my opinion it was good. Just to be truthful, I have no idea what these lyrics are about.....But I think with a little twinking it would be a great song.