I live on this bridge of rhythmic
pulsations,
dissension building between
the major
and minor chords.
My heartstrings are yearning
for your finger,
a featherdust brush of heartrending harmony.
You are musically inclined,
adept at tuning me until all the notes
that comprise me flow
in perfect time
to the strumming of your fingertips,
And I am no longer torn between
major and minor chords,
you have bridged my differences.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
thanks for the comments, people!
I think the idea was good but I think it was poorly conducted. It just didn't work for me, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the way the stanzas are shaped and how each one goes into the next--I just don't like it much for some reason. It felt clunky, and I could completely understand what it was about. I don't think the theme/story of it was very clear.
While I love musical imagery, I think you lean a little too heavily on it to avoid describing anything other than auditorily. Though, this only really occurs in the first three stanzas or so. The remaining are pretty good.
Maybe expand here on how you become musically aligned? The process must have some emotion behind it.
First off, the comma after chords on the second to last line should be a semi colon or a full stop. As for context, a lot of people seem to be doing this style of poetry of late and I'm rather fond of it but 'major and minor chords' is too obvious. I know it's perfect for the imagery but isn't there a more unique way of saying it? I suppose not. Perhaps it's because you use the phrase twice? Anyway, you have some nice imagery and you've used your vocabulary well. Overall, it's a good poem.
thanks to everyone who's commented so far!!
i like the flow of this. reading this, i could hear an acoustic guitar being played to it.
something i would say though, is the tense of your poem. maybe changing tense (past in the beginning, present like it is at the end) to emphasize how this person has affected you. just a suggestion.
i like it- keep writing =)
The first single line stanza is, I assume, an attempt at emphasizing importance or depth or something of that sort--and it fails rather miserably, I'm afraid. The last single line stanza works somewhat better, but is still "meh."
I do rather love "You are musically inclined / Adept at tuning me," though. ^~
Brilliant. I love it.A couple of minor suggestions though;
I'd say "my heartstrings are yearning for", instead of "my heartstring is yearning towards." I'd also say "with the strumming" instead of "to", and use a small"a" for "and". I'd also split the fourth section into two. This one was really good, great theme, beautifully developed, and with some very eloquent phrases, in particular in the first half of the fourth section.Really lovely.