You press me close, your
granite surface rubbing my skin raw,
unforgiving limbs adhesive as duct tape.
I look into your eyes, captivated. They are
Conflagrant in a field of snow.
Pale as a fish, you wriggle, oxygen-deprived.
But I am a worm.
Both pale-bellied fish trapped in watery grave
and the worm in the belly of the earth
are doomed-- we will both die. But for now
Your carcinogenic breath scars my organs,
and I fall into your nicotine arms, as you--
and I can tell this by your breath--fell into
the whiskey.
Wherever your fingertips skim,
I am tattooed by cigarette burns.
Appalachian-hips rolls against you,
seductive and enticing.
Are you green with envy?
One day, your flatness will be conquered,
nondescript features flattering
in the darkroom glow. And, as you develop,
aloneness will be my glorious salvation.
It is hopeless, love. Your rubber-band
arms cut off my circulation, and, too
early I must heed to the tick-tick-ticking
of the grandfather clock.~~
You impel me,
granite veener rubbing raw my skin,
unforgiving limbs duct-tape adhesive.
Peer into your eyes, captivated.
Enraptured.
They are pale,
a conflagant field of snow.
Your whole is pallid, wriggle as a fish,
oxygen-deprivation
impelling you.
I am a worm,
cradled in dirt since conception
Both pale-bellied fish trapped in watery grave
and I in my tomb,
are consumed by a higher power,
unforgiving as a drought.
Organs scarred by carinogenic breath,
held in nicotine arms. Enraptured,
I fall.
Where you fingrtips skim,
I am burnt. Mark of the antichrist.
to be cont.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,736 Reviews
The edit is much better! I've got a few more suggestions to make, though; this poem has quite a lot of potential, so I'd like to see you really perfect it. ^_^
Only one nitpick--the period at the end of line two should be a comma.
I like the first two lines, but the shortness of the second really throws it all off. Maybe prune the first and combine the two? Something more like: "Your eyes are flames in a field of snow." Obviously flames are burning, and unless he's a cyclops, he's got two eyes--the "two" and "burning," therefore, are unnecessary.
Again, two hyphens for a dash! That's the proper punctuation, not just a personal preference talking.
Dashes, bianca! Dashes!
[/quote]Wherever your fingertips skim,
cigarette holes appear, tattooing me.[/quote]
Still doesn't flow quite right. I'd suggest for the second line: "I am tattooed by cigarette burns."
Fantastic! Questions in poetry don't usually work, but here it really lends something to the tone.
Mmm. Love it. ^_^
Wow. The last two stanzas I absolutely adore--but the passive tense in the very beginning of this one turned me cold faster than I could've thought possible. Other than that, love it--though I question the capitalization of "Grandfather."
Just as Kitty says--you should complete your work, or at least have it in an advanced stage of editing, before you post it on YWS. You have to give us something before we can help you with it, non? Now, on to the critique.
The juxtaposition of "granite surface" and "statuesque limbs" comes across as, ironically, both redundant and contradictory. I get that you're trying to say that the subject is like a statue--but 'statuesque' usually isn't used in terms of an actual sculpture. Typically it's used to describe a curvy woman in today's language. Are those the connotations you want to convey? And the "truly" in the last line is, truly, awful. Your words should provide all necessary emphasis in their own right; you shouldn't need to use modifiers like "truly."
Note: two hyphens equal one dash. Unless you're hyphenating two words, in other words, you really need two of them, as in the second line of this stanza. There are too many commas in the third line--you don't need that many. "I am the worm and thus, though you suffer, / I am the true victim here." This is too prose-y. Poetry says the same things as prose but with fewer words. Frankly, I think this stanza could be pruned and turn out better:
It has fewer words, but more power; see?
[/quote]Never mind the specifics, we are both
doomed to the same fate.
The bird that soars beneath the sun,
feather-soft and free,
and the fish trapped in some eternal watery grave-
Both will die.
And the worm doomed to tunnel
through the putrid belly of the earth,
and eventually end up in another belly-
it, too, will die.[/quote]
Again, this stanza is far too prose-y. Try:
...Or something of that sort anyway, lol.
Either delete the "your" at the end of the second line, or the "your" at the beginning of the third. Again, watch your dashes, and this is very prose-y.
Too passive. Try:
See how shortening it and making it more poetic strengthens the image and statement?
Really, I think this is the best stanza yet. Again with that damn "truly!" Lol. Strengthen your statements (not to harp on it), and you won't need too apply emphasis that way (it really does just weaken it). Here it kind of works, if you get rid of some of the rest of the fluff in this stanza. I've recast this one too, just as a suggestion:
...To be honest, I like a lot of what you've got here, but it's all very, very underdeveloped--and very muddled. Try organizing this a bit better and cutting out the unnecessary words. A good piece of advice I got from a published friend of mine: "Pretend that you're going to be paid $100 for every word you can cut."
You should probably finish work before you post it here. People prefer to read a polished poem and tear that to shreds rather than unravelling half finished drafts. Okay rant over, let me see...
slowly scarring my organs, and your
your arms are around me, far too addictive Here you don't need your twice. Either remove it from the top line or the bottom. It doesn't make much difference which you do seenas your rhythm is rather random...
Other than that I found it confusing in places and it feels rather fragmented to me, sort of jumping from one idea to another without a bridge in between. Some of the imagery is nice, I'll give you that but work on finding a better title and then try to order your thoughts. Writing down what comes into your head is a good way to plan but then you need to go back through and change parts. Remove what isn't effective and fill the space with unique, dramatic lines. Sorry, that's the only advice I can think to give you...
sorry for the lack of line breaks, i just started workin on this and it goes easier for me if i get the ideas out first without worryin about line breaks, then i focus on line breaks...i was actually just about to go do that now...
Where are the line breaks?!?! Right now, this looks more like prose.
I'll crit it if you fix that, or if you move it to a proper place.
But as is, I'm not sure how to read it.