a new draft of this is up now!!
z
A slip of the pen and you know me-
frontward and sideways,
an amoeba submerged in a glacial metal sky,
beneath the moon’s telescopic eye.
Raising hands, I break the surface,
break out, break the light
into a million granules;
they sink into my pores so I am
peeled like an onion,
dropped on the linoleum tiles,
into chutes lined up,
bullets poised to rip through
heaven’s fabric.
Split my atoms, send me
spinning away from my nucleus;
negative charges reverberate through
empty spaces
in my mind, sends me
reeling, as though from too much wine,
I succumb to gravity,
fall into myself, away from the orbit
of the telescopic eye that
knew me too well.
I love the imagery in the last four stanzas, but the third line in the first stanza didn't feel right to me.
The "breaking the light" was great, as well.
This poem is all over the place, but in an enjoyable sense.
Whoa, I realy enjoyed this! Your imagery was fantastic! My only criticism is the changing verb tense in the last stanza. I don't know if "knew" should be "knows;" has the separation happened, or is it happening now? Maybe it's just me, but I think that you should clarify this time a little better.
I'm so blown away by this poem! Merry writing!
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