My chemicals are as faulty as
bloodletting, or the wiring of a firefly,
Saharan-monologue as far flung as the Universe,
inadequate as Earth, a spinning apple core on a blanket,
I chase You after a failed fluoxetine trip, the numbers
93, 43 imprinted on my head like the Antichrist’s mark
whilst my heart screams,
Holy Trinity.
I chase You, the needle on my compass
dancing, as I used to do before chemicals
betrayed me.
Now, I rock back and forth, as I
catch flies and falling stars to the rhythm of these syllables-
Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
For some reason, I haven't been able to write much poetry this summer, and this is probably a poor attempt, but still...basically, fluoxetine is just a drug used to treat depression and it has like those numbers, 93 43 on each side which is what that means and...for anyone who doesn't know, the last line just means God, God, why have You forsaken me? Just to clear up any confusion ya know
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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
I think this is actually really good. It took me a few times at reading it to fully understand, but I like the way you've made the smallest details, intricate.
Definately not a poor attempt. =]
I love it. As always, your writing is beautiful and fresh. I really can't find fault with this. If I was nitpicking, I'd say "rock back and forth" isn't overly original, but that's not to serious a problem. Other than that, my only problem with this is that it makes me very jealous as it is so beautifully written and your imagery is so fresh. I particularly love the second last line. It was so original, and had an almost magical feel about it, which worked so well with the pain, and the disturbing subject matter. It really was amazing.Brilliant, brilliant work.Never stop writing.
This was really good, the explanation wasn't even needed.
The description and imagery were very nice. The only thing you need to work on is punctuation. There was nothing but commas throughout the whole poem and I felt like I needed to read it without stopping. lol Other than that, great job.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I had to read it a few times before I really got it, but I thought it was great once I did. Like Evangelina said, very good word usage. I liked the line about the firefly in particular for some reason.
Nice one. I love the word usage and phrasing. Only thing I would work on is punctuation. E.g. L4 of S1 should end in a period, methinks.
-evangelina