~I'm in a slump, both stories and poetry. The ink from my pen has dried and refuses to flow no more; a world in which creativity reigned in me has descended into a bleak era in which life consists of humdrum activities with humdrum people. The passion to rearrange familiar atoms into unfamiliar structures, in essence to take things people have heard of and create something artistic. There is nothing left now that the words have fled. Life has choked my muse, and, though I knew it to be inevitable, I long to turn back time...~
Chasing the white dragon, I forsake
principles long adhered to-
yin and yang,
black and white, I hang perpetually
in the balance, never fully right,
never fully wrong.
Consistent inconsistencies
rejected in favor of
brief, tantalizing euphoria,
a trip on the smoke-like tail.
I am a child in a candy store,
a penny to purchase sweets,
sweets to purchase
half an hour, buried in the toilet.
Chasing the white dragon, I have
learned that in everything
there is yin and yang.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,736 Reviews
I like it, though not as much as some of your other work. I'd scrap lines eleven to fourteen, as I felt that they were out of synch with the register, and lacked your usual magical imagery.
thanks so much to everyone who's commented on this so much! and about the beginning paragraph-it has nothin to do with the poem at all, just a lament that everything I've written this week has turned into a pile of crap, and expressing my certainty that the following poem was likely to be crap also...lol.
Eh. Like Claw said, this didn't do anything for me.
It was all very un-new and rather predictable.
Yin and Yang have been touched on by thousands of poems, do something original with it.
Also, the entire first intro-paragraph-thing seemed pointless. It didn't tie into the piece well, if at all, and it just seemed you stuck it on in an attempt to add weight to this...
Read around, yada yada,
~Ed
Didn't really do much for me?
I'm confused to why you have a whole paragraph before hand and then "fade into" a poem, so to speak.
The poem had some good lines, nice words, but then things like "consistent inconsistencies" seemed more like they were written to look pretty, rather than to be logical. Same thing with, "a penny to purchase sweets,
sweets to purchase"
I didn't really feel anything from the poem. Consider what your main feeling/idea is, and then read over your poem. Try to reflect the emotion (without being direct) so that your reader can also feel it. That will really improve it.
Best of luck.
Vogon's View: Pretty good. I liked the repetition of "chasing the white dragon", it sounds real cool and mystical.
This was rather simplistic and it had the main point but you need to explain it, you need to expand. Maybe give some examples of where there is good and bad. Describe something that most perceive as perfection, a utopia, and outline what is bad about it. Same goes for the opposite and so on. Just strengthen your imagery, build on the story and keep up the accurate punctuation and spelling.