I jot down the letter, swaying to
the rhythm of each jaded love profession,
swimming in the black light, floundering
beneath every too-sharp note.
Each scribble, each black line and I am
kissing you.
You are the plant that the sun has dried out,
the unwashed laundry that's piling up
on my floor like a mountain, the
tinfoil that hasn't improved the reception at all.
The mixed tape
still playing, I think,
soon as the ink dries,
I'll clean up and move on.
~Just a second draft, still rough, but I can't figure out what else I can do to improve it right now, so I'll post it up here and see what ya'll think, and come back to it for a third draft by the time my mind is more fresh than it is right now...All comments appreciated, thanks! One of the major things I can improve I think is wrapping it up better- the ending is still missing something, feels like it trails off in the middle of an idea...ahh well, again my mind isn't fresh enough, I'll rework the ending with the 3rd draft...~
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,736 Reviews
Nice! And I don't properally get it, so it must be good.
I liked this bit best:
I read this again and (it's still good!) I found something that can improve the rhythm and meaning of your last stanza enormously. Instead of "playing"--make it "plays."
Dude! I loved your first stanza! Before the first line break, every word was in order and it sounded really amazing! The second stanza threw me for a loop, though...I guess I didn't understand at first why someone the speaker liked/loved was like stinky laundry
. When I think about it again, it makes sense; though it's unexpected, it's brilliant.
The ending could use some elaboration. I think it would be cool if after the speaker says they'll move on, they say how they're putting their life into perspective, and what they need to do to get out of the rut they're in. I'm not sure if that's where you were intending to head with the poem, though, so don't mind me if that's completely not what the poem's supposed to be about
Nice! You had excellent imagery in here, no doubt, and very nice rhythm. It was short and sweet, not a masterpiece but something very warm and introspective. I like it.
The problems?
The ending was okay. It wasn't as bad as you said it will be, but it's not great either. I think you should break down the last line like this:
"I'll clean up
and move on."
This sort of breaks up the rhythm, putting a greater emphasis on "move on". But what do you mean by move on?
Are you writing prose? poetry? notes for a song? It is incomprehensible through all of your hints to distinguish the kind of scribbling the narrator employs towards her love.
"like a mountain"
A bit passe, don't you think?
Otherwise, it's really good. A minor suggestion? Put some alliteration or other devices that feel good on the tongue. This poem was good as content, but for visual and hearing appeal, it was bland. Otherwise, excellent!
I loved "swimming in the black light", and the image of the plant. I think that the laundry image is a little cliche. I don't understand the tinfoil reference... I think I'd put an "is" between "tape" and "playing", and I might divide this into two sentences, either:
"The mixed tape is
still playing, I think."
Or
"The mixed tape is
still playing. I think,
soon as the ink dries,
I'll clean up and move on."
I actually thought that the last stanza was very good, and I love the atmosphere which you've created throughout.