It is 3 am and the black sky
overhead resembles a snake,
onyx coils poised to strike. I am
Cleopatra and these pearls will
prove my noose.
A string of pearls, how queer
to see them dangling so. I would
take them in my hands but they
will not last. 3 am is, of course,
the witching hour
and being such, everyone knows we
are prey to flights of fancy. The coils
will soon tighten around me, and I
will forget how to breathe, and
off I'll go. E'in Sof.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,736 Reviews
thanks a lot for the comment!
It was good. But I didn't get it! What did it mean? Was it from the Middle East of or something? Maybe you can explain it better in the poem. I agree with Claudette. It felt like it was missing something. Study poetry a little. Don't give up.
-- M.B.Author
i'm pretty sure it's hebrew...i know it means endless...anyways, thanks for the comment!
What's E'in Sof mean? Something Egyptian?
I have yet to know what makes a good poem myself, as I cannot write stuff that seems to follow those guidelines.
Thus, I have nothing to say, except that I like your use of imagery with the snakes and pearls and all. And good title, it was the title that made me want to read this pome.
-Twit
Thank ya so much for the comment! I agree that it kind of got repetitive and didn't end well...it was just one of those things that kinda stop midstream so I just forced the rest of it out...anyways thanks again!
The beginning dragged me in. It was interesting, full of images, beautifully tying into each other. And then this system was just repeated and dragged out through the rest of the line to a short and predictable ending. I was hoping for a bit more from this. I love all the long images - the snake, the pearls, the noose.
Thank ya so much for your comment!
I am not entirely sure what to say on this poem.
It isn't bad, but it is lacking anything to make it good as well. This wasn't some terrible, horrid attempt at poetry, I just think it needs a boost...as does your poetry writing in general. So my comments will probably be more overall than to just this poem.
First you should consider your subject matter and whether it will appeal to the reader. My belief is that one of the strongest purposes of poetry is to make the reader feel, think, or experience something new. So, with that you need the proper subject to do so. Within this poem, the subject was a good one, but I felt nothing and got nothing from the poem. To me poetry is more for the reader than for the writer, and people don't seem to realize that.
Secondly, using rhythm and rhyme to structure and give your poetry more of a poetic feel is always a plus. (I won't explain more here, but if you are confused on either of these, PM me.)
In general, I suggest you read poetry, and as much as you can. Be it here, or in a book store. If you read hear, why not look over the critiques as well. Find what makes a good poem, what doesn't, and how you can reciprocate those things into your own poetry. Another thing you could do is read books on how to write poetry, though I've never been able to find one I've liked.
Best of luck with this, and your other pursuits. If you have any questions about something I've mentioned, as I said, go right ahead and Pm me. I'm always willing to help out young poets =D