Young Writers Society

Hi!

I've never critiqued poetry, so bear with me here.
I really liked this poem; the imagery (as people have said) is beautiful. I'm just not sure about how the first stanza is leading into the next, while all the others are complete sentences by themselves. I don't know if that's acceptable in poetry, though.

I don't agree with xanthan gum; I like the last stanza as it is (sorry xanthan)

Also, I think it needs to be a little more emotional. It's a little too wordy, you know what I mean? Like it's getting bogged down with all the awesome words and descriptions you use. I don't what you to take any of the descriptions out, though... that would be a shame. Maybe try spreading them all out?
I don't know if this was any help or not but it's a first try.

Keep it up!

~Azila

I liked this poem. The only thing I saw wrong was the lack of punctuation. The whole entire poem was three sentences so it read a little awkward. Other than that I thought the description was very nice. I like the your wordusage. Very imaginative.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

This is really good. I love your stuff.I know this isn't helpful, but I really can't find anything that I would change about this. Your imagery, as always, is fresh, vivid and interesting and your enjambment is good.One small thing, though it doesn't matter all that much;
you use "bleed like October" as well as "bleeding October girl". (Reusage of blood and October), so maybe try and find a different way of saying this in the second instance.
Other than that, great work. A pleasure to read.

Suggestion --

and I [s]your bleeding October girl[/s], the blueprint to your doomsday master plan.

I don't know about un-frying your muse but you might want to take a glance at the story "October in the Chair", by Neil Gaiman. *shameless plug of my favorite author*

-- I enjoyed some of the descriptions in this -- "inhaling incense and chasing origami cranes" was very nice, as was all of the first stanza.
-- "Robes of autumnal festivity" on the other hand, is more awkward. It deals with appearence more than character, and you don't need any of that; this should all be character that's coming through in the description.

In general, work on linebreaks. Sometimes breaking across 'the' or 'of' can work and at other times it seems like the linebreaks are thrown anywhere. Since the lines aren't totally consistent in syllable count or appearence - they don't line up pin straight - you get some leeway to mess with the linebreaks. Remember that things at the beginning or end of a line get emphasis and that you can put linebreaks in the middle of familiar phrases to create new rhythms ... or leave a phrase together on a line if you want it to sound straightforward and smooth.

The ending seems abrupt - it introduces an interesting new idea but the connection between planning & war and the seasons isn't really elaborated on or explained. Developing that connection is what this poem needs, I think; the descriptions above are nice and tell about the characters but there seems to be a story waiting here as well. It doesn't go anywhere yet -- further development would make it move.