Acupuncture from the words you speak,
like therapeutic needles through my heart.
With eyes closed and lips shut tightly,
together in silence.
Rain falls from my skin.
Breathe in deeply,
let your mind wander.
Listen to the peace of my whispers,
the pressure from my arms.
The rainforest sounds echoing in the background.
Breathe slowly.
Kiss softly.
Zen
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Wow you did a great job creating a mood with this piece!. It's passionate but it is also "zen". Some things to consider:
In the first stanza you may want to rethink the first two lines. "acupuncture" and "needles through my heart" seems painful, I'm not sure if you're trying to depict an abusive relationship but I think although the word feel is nice in these two lines you might want to change itif you're not trying to go from that abusive relationship or verbal abuse stance. Which maybe you are.
Also something to think about is that "Rain falls from my skin" makes me think of sweat. I'm not sure if that's what you're going for because it seem again sort of an odd/anxious/painful spin on an otherwise very serene poem. If it was meant to be about sweat that line is the most beautiful way I've ever heard sweat described though!
So you may want to rethink exactly what message, mood, and tone you are trying to create and then rework the poem to completely commit to it so that the reader doesn't have questions as to what you really are trying to say. Then again my interpretation could be wrong and maybe you meant to leave the reader feeling sort of eerie.
Great job!
~knight alliyah of the afterwatch~
The acupuncture is thin needles going through skin to help relax you, so that's where I was going with that. As for the rain, I was trying to convey rain as a peaceful feeling but I think I can rewrite it to make it convey that better. Thank you
I think if you worked in water or rain into the first stanza it'd seem more cohesive.
This is a very beautiful idea for a poem. I love how the imagery gives you a clear picture of the idea that you try to get across. It's a very interesting read which hooks the reader on the first line! I feel that my favourite part is the line rain falls from my skin as I can picture each droplet carrying a story of their own through the story of the poem
Godly
Thank you, darling