It radiates like the moonlight in an abyss of darkness,
but it burns like the scolding of a fire into my brain.
It feels like the touch of a thousand kisses,
but the sting of a bullet hole right through my heart.
A love for capturing photographs in your mind
and a hate for keeping them captive in your memories.
It’s the tap
tap
tap
of raindrops on the window pane
and the sound of your favorite soundtrack.
It’s the beauty and the curses
that you can’t seem to delete from your memory.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,216 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Timmy here for a short review!
Happy review day. Let's get going.
The idea of having a poem about a smile is so simple, and yet so profound. Smiles are beautiful things, and I think they really make a person look beautiful. A person smiling shows the world they are happy, and yet they show so much more than happiness, and your piece really showed that. It was beautiful.
I am going to try and find something to nitpick in here, just because that is what I am supposed to doooo while reviewing, but it will be very hard. This piece is very well written.
I suppose this would be my biggest nitpick, and it's really small - but I will state it, anyway. So you have this poem as a very close thoughts, everything being actions that we can see and love because they're so profound and bring a smile and a tear. But in this, I would have preferred if you kept it as an action. So, something similar to this: but stings like a bullet hole right through my heart. Or something similar. You can write it so much better than I can, so tweak and work with it. You can fix whatever small problem I think this line has.
This is the best part of the poem. It's so beautiful, and I can just hear the tap tap tap on my window pane. Perfect. <3
I would have to say this is my least favorite part of the poem. Don't get me wrong, it's still a beautiful line, but it doesn't follow the same path as the others. It seems so materialistic, because you are comparing it's a material thing like music - while the others is so prosish and profound and perfect. It's still a wonderful line, but I think you could even take it out so that the affect of the poem remains it the same.
I don't think there is more I can say.... The piece was written very well, and is quite honestly one of my favorite poems I have read on this site. Honestly. I am being quite serious. The idea wasn't that original (it has been used before, I mean), but you did a wonderful job expressing it. Just wonderful.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hey anonymousx!
I really liked this poem, I thought you did a great job. I loved the wording and how it flowed really nicely. I also liked how you arranged the tap, tap, tap part, it is really unique! I don't know if I really have anything bed to say about it! I just think that for the part where you say:
of raindrops on the window pane
and the sound of your favorite soundtrack.
I think you should add a coma after "pane", and "sound of your favorite soundtrack" just sounds a little repetitive... I don't know what you night change it to, but I'm sure that you could figure something out! But other than those two things, I think it is really great! I cant wait to read whatever you publish next!
Keep writing,
kitty4111
Hey! ajruby from the Reviewing Ravens to review!
Okay, I'd like to say that I really like this poem! (And to be honest, I can't find anything initially wrong with it.) But there are just a few suggestions.
1. "and a hate for keeping them captive in your memories." I didn't quite understand that. Perhaps make the line a little more clear?
2. As with some poems, I feel like this needs more content. It's a lovely piece, but it doesn't have quite enough in it to really make an impression on me.
3. I think this could also use some more adjectives and/or more colorful words. Your concept is great, but I think the content could use some work.
Overall, a great piece and a pleasure to read! Besides the couple things I pointed out, I think this poem is good to go. So keep on with this lovely stuff!
Keep on writing and may the reviews be ever in your favor!
-ajruby (The Silver Lady)
Hello! First off, WOW! I had never thought of a smile like the way you're describing it. I liked how you captured all of the different emotions you can feel when someone smiles. I honestly couldn't find any conventional errors with your poem, but one suggestion I would have is to take out the word "heap" in your first line, and replace it with "world" or something to that extent. I don't know if you need to though, I just thought it would make "it" seem like a more powerful object.
Overall, I loved your poem. Keep up the good work!
I changed it, how do you like it now?
It's perfect, little grammar mistake, change "a" to "an".
Woops, I knew that.