As my eyes close shut, my eye lids begin to twitch as if they were anticipating something new
Demons dance across my pupils as if they are a playground, made just for them
I feel as though I'm falling
And my body is jerked back on to shore
The false sense of security I have when I'm blanked in the roaring waves
However
Even the clearest waters lead me back to the
monsters
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
First of all, thanks for doing so many awesome reviews for us Review Ninjas! Behold, a fellow member of the Review Ninjas, here to karate chop apart this piece!
I'm so, so sorry you had to undergo my pathetic-ness of attempting to sound like a ninja also apologies to ninjas everywhereEhem.
1. In the first line, I suggest changing eye lids to eyelids.
2. As my eyes close shut, my eye lids begin to twitch as if they were anticipating something new
Yes, yes, I know in poetry, it's considered tasteless to comment on punctuation, grammar, blah, blah, but I'm going to say it anyway, because I honestly thought it took away from the effect of your poem, at least for me.
So, anyway, you change tenses; present to past. It should be are anticipating, not were anticipating.
3. And my body is jerked back on to shore
I highly suggest taking out the 'and.' It really doesn't add to your poem, only lengthens the already lengthy lines, and it is one of those words that you throw in for poetry that is not really needed. In future, think more when using linking words like: and, the, of, etc. A lot of the time, they really aren't necessary.
4. However
I don't know, this word just felt off and misplaced for me. It might be better if you change it to 'but.'
Besides the small nitpicks I mentioned above, I really don't have much to say! The content was interesting and capturing, and it was pretty clear from the first line that this poem is about being afraid of the dark. Great job conveying those emotions through descriptions and imagery!
Overall rating: 8.5/10
Keep writing; I additionally really liked how the shortness of the poem....I think it worked quite well for this piece.
+1
I really like this. Metaphorically the message is very dark-I guess it's dark literally as well-but you didn't over do it. It flows well, I think-I'm not a poetic expert-but anyway, I liked it. The beach, water, ocean idea was intersting and gave very good imagery. It was an imaginative poem and even with a well-used idea you made it quite unique. It worked really well, metaphorically, flow and overall.
Hello! I see you haven't been here very long and you already have 41 reviews! Good for you!
It would be more dramatic if you took the word "the" And moved it down to the last line, capitalizing it, then placing punctuation after "monsters".Suggestions
So you don't really have that much punctuation, which makes the poem seem a tad bit rushed and sloppy so you should look over that.
One last thing is that you should change the word "were" into "are". it'll make it flow better and the tense will agree more.
So that happens to be all the suggestions I have on your work, sorry if it seems cruel; I can be really picky about some things, but that is just what they are, suggestions. You don't have to make the changes at all. As a writing, and more specifically a poet, myself I know that not all reviews you get are great or what you want to hear. Some of them can be very cruel, I know because I have gotten a few of them. So this is your work, and you can do with it as you wish. I do, however, hope you will at least take what I have suggested into account and think about changing it because I believe what I suggested will help improve your writing.
Lovely things
So my favorite line is: I like this bit, I can relate to it. It also is a really really great metaphor!!
An Overview
So overall, I believe this piece needs a little bit of work in order for it to improve. You had some really strong key points in it though!!
Keep writing,
turtlethatroars
Hey... Well this is my first review so my apologies for any crudeness!
I loved the title!! It reminded me of Demons song by Imagine Dragons and considering its my all time favourite song, I initially started reading this poem with a lot of expectations. And it lived up to all of them!! After finishing this poem, I got the creeps and I mean this in the most flattering way possible.
I could literally imagine myself sitting on my bed in a dark scary room with the bogeyman peeping at my from under the bed.
I especially loved the last two lines and how you ended this poem on such an ominous note. But when the title is "Demons" what can one expect but ominous.
Looking forward to reading more of your works!
In order for this to actually be a review that you get points for you need to make sure the little box at the bottom of your review says a blue "Yes" after it asks "Is this a review?"
Oops! Damn...My bad!! :/
I think you can let someone know and they can fix that for you.
You're kind of spot on. I don't like the dark at all and recently, have been getting a little bit of anxiety while being in the dark.