I'm spun in a circle back to where you left me
standing on the concrete
the souls of my heart glued to the dirt roads
and the music that played
defeaned my ears, even at the softest levels,
like records scratching into my skin.
The concrete turns to quicksand
And I'm slowly sinking into your lies.
You've taken control of my destiny
and my heart is your stress ball.
I can't breathe when I see your name written on paper.
I'm crushed by the weight of our past,
the constricting force around me slithers through my bones
Squeezing my neck
Choking me.
I'm spun forward to where I am now
It's been years now since you've left me
I've happened across your picture,
while writing about our time together
and I'm spun in a circle
back to where you left me
3,459 days ago
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0VwnQfMPgTH
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Hey anonymousx.
First off, this is a beautiful piece so well done. Cleverclogs covered the nitpicks and other things I was going the point out (quicksand, breathe, punctuation, etc...) so instead of wasting your time and mine about that, let's move on. You seem to have a gift; a gift that involves painting a lovely picture for your reader so I commend you for that I particularly like the lines:
"I'm crushed by the weight of our past"
and
"and my heart is your stress ball"
They are both great ways of describing the situation. I can't fault you on anything other than those nitpicks and I really enjoyed reading your piece.
Good job. Keep writing.
Hello there!
A few nitpicks before I begin reviewing content:
Quicksand is one word.
"Breath" should be "breathe".
Also, you don't really seem to have consistent punctuation and capitalization. I know that breaking the rules of grammar in poetry for effect is acceptable, but there doesn't really seem to be any added effect here. You use punctuation for some of the poem, but not all. Sometimes you capitalize the first word of every line and sometimes you don't. I recommend editing this to make those things more consistent.
Now, onto content!
Wow. Really, wow. The imagery is so vibrant that I feel like I've been taken into the world of the speaker. The poem is chock-full of pretty much everything that makes a poem good: Similes, metaphors, the works. And it works, too. This is so satisfying and wonderful to read, and it gives me so much to think about. There's really nothing I can find here that you need to improve upon, although others may think differently. I love this so much. Great job!
I can't get it to let me put spaces in for some reason.
Here, try this: How to format your poetry on YWS
I thought that since the rest of the site used BB code and [url] - that kind of thing that <br*> wouldn't work. Awesome, thanks.