See how the king sits upon his throne
And judges only by race?
What complexed tone
And such shy haste,
As yet outside,
The battle roams,
Our soldier's never hide,
Only dream of home.
See how the king sneers,
At every battle lost
And jeers,
At every life it cost?
Those who couldn't be saved,
Now lie in hero graves.
"The queen is dead,"
The king said,
With a knife in hand,
"I'll die on my own land."
The king falls
And we may rejoice,
Once and for all,
There really was no other choice.
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Okay.
First of all, I like the fact that you give us two different images of the king. Yes, he's a jerk - he thinks everyone is beneath him, doesn't care about his people, etc - but apparently he loved the queen very much since he killed himself upon her death, which can be seen as kind of a redeeming quality. However, I'm not sure you tie the more romantic image into the poem very well. The people still rejoice at the king's death, saying they had no other choice, etc. Also, more imagery and figurative language! And there were a few places I found confusing - what is meant by "shy haste?" Or a "complexed tone?" "Complexed" isn't even a word. So I think you need to figure out what you really mean here and reword it accordingly.
I like the message, though, and again, I love that the king has multiple dimensions.
~Blue
I really liked this poem. I have no complaints at all. I loved the language, the thoughts and the emotions coming throught the words. Thanks very much for sharing this piece. Keep writing.
Hello again:D
- no apostrophe, just "soldiers".Another poem, eh? Great:D
Here come the nitpicks, then:
- I love this bit. Great. Though, instead of - I would put "And how he jeers". MIght flow nicer.
I loved the ending, too.
Overall, I really liked this poem. Very deep meaning, on how the king rules all the people, and doesn't really value what needs to be valued.
Keep writing,
polly xx