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138,196 Literary Works • 672,081 Reviews
Hey, great poem! Your imagery was awesome! I have two smallish things that I would like to point out. You don't have to change it, but it's just what I noticed.
The one issue I have is the very last line. Throughout the poem, you keep up the pattern with "again" and then I + a verb. This pattern is broken with the question. Maybe you could say, "I ask myself when it will end" or something of the sort. Like I said. this is just my opinion so if you disagree with this it's fine.
One other thing:
Hmm. That last line just....maybe kills the mood, almost? I'm not sure how to explain it really. Somehow, to me, the word "yelled" sounds different than the rest of the stanza. Also, that breaking of the pattern again. But maybe that's the style you're looking for. I'm not sure.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm not explaining this very well. I hope you get what I'm saying. But if you have any questions about that feel free to send me a message.
Again, fantastic poem. The emotions are very real, and it was quite vivid. Nice job!
~Devan
Incredible! Great flow,rhythm, and emotion. I love the use of "again". My favourite part was the ending!
I am dead,
Again.
Insanely powerful! The structure really makes the piece extremely fluent and moving. My only recommendation is that each "stanza" has a little more relation to each other. This will automatically avoid anything repetitive or random. I love your use of "walls". It is a beautiful metaphor, that I think has a potential to expand a little more! For example ; explain how the walls were built (quickly stacked? fluid cement? the entire wall drop off?), explain there apprence (cracked, acient, dusted, marble, white, smooth) and explain how you feel about them ( they mock you, they tease you, they help you, they crowd you).
Continue to write! You are very talented and I really enjoyed reading your poem!
i LOVE IT it sounds like me a lilte
anyways [quote][My walls are building themselves back up,
You Did Great Keep writtning
Again
No one can hear my screams,
Again.
Alone and helpless,
Again./quote] Wow Go You