It's night,
I close my eyes,
Open them just as quick,
I don't want to live it,
Over again.
I hardly sleep,
I hardly have,
When I crawl,
Out of bed,
Unlocking the door,
I slip outside,
It's midnight.
As I walk,
The lonely road,
A boy joins me,
He too,
Has insomnia.
So we walk,
On and on,
Until the dawn,
Of the morning sun,
It's in its wake,
That I,
Insomniac,
Will sleep.
Back at home,
I lie in bed,
As I close my eyes,
My mother says,
"Time for school."
So my day,
Never ends,
Just another,
Insomnia trend,
I never saw,
That boy again,
Yet another,
Insomnia trend.
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138,176 Literary Works • 672,080 Reviews
Nice structure and poem layout. Also the Imagery used there was expository and gave the reader insight as to what insomnia feels like. I really don't see much to criticize in this piece, good job.
This is a good poem. I like the idea about writing about insomnia.
I think you should pick a stanza scheme, because the rhythm gets lost a few times here. Otherwise, nice work. I like the idea of the mysterious boy
Hi there! So, I too suffer from the occasional insomnia, and I must agree, it is quite frustrating. However, I found this poem quite frustrating at parts too. You have so many parts you start to develop, and then you drop them almost immediately. So, I'm going to go through different parts of this poem I think needed help the most.
First off, technical stuff:
the linebreaks and grammar in this really need working. This is very jerky and abrupt, and the commas are awkward and misplaced. Punctuation is not a defined thing in poetry, but I would strongly suggest punctuation poetry as you would a paragraph, which means not using it as you did here:
as well as here:
This IS just a suggestion, albeit a strong one. There is also the matter of centering you might reconsider, though I guess that's more reliant upon personal taste than anything else.
Now, to my main point. You seem to want to capture the monotony of insomnia, the ritual of frustration more than the actual feeling of it, and I'm not entirely sure this is what you'd wanted. You concentrate more on the frustration of not being able to sleep is, and ignore the hopelessness, the exhaustion, the longing... there are many emotions associated with severe insomnia, and yet I'm only getting one very clearly. Maybe broaden that.
Also, try "showing" instead of "telling". Here, you are stating these, a narrative without any flavor. Try introducing some more figurative language. Allow yourself some fun with it. Similes. Metaphors. Analogies. They make pieces much more fun to write, and much more fun to read.
Overall, this is a nice piece, though I think it needs a lot of work. You have captured the frustration of insomnia quite well, despite the fact that I think you need to broaden the range. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/comments.
Awesome! Though I have a few things to tell you.
Where you have written:
Here, I think if you left a space between the first three lines and the last two lines it would be better like a pause. So it would be like this:
Otherwise, great job! It's a really good poem!
I have o agree with everyone else, this poem is great, and I can relate to an extent. I have a slight case of insomnia, and yes, it's awful. But, I cannot see anything too clearly marked for nitpicking. But once again, great poem, it was well written, and most importantly (To me, anyways) had good grammar and spelling.
I really enjoyed this piece! It rhymed well, and it had a mice flow. It reminded me of this song by Greenday (yes, Hobbes listens to Greenday) called "Brain Stew" which is also about Insomnia, and it gives you the same idea about how much it sucks. No nit-picking from me! So, other than that, it's wonderful! Keep on writing!