Punished,
Sent to Hell and back,
I don't want to fight it
Because it's the only thing,
That seems real.
It seems real enough
That I forget my pain
And drown in the memories
Of what I wish to be the end.
It hurts more than,
I think it should,
It hurts more than,
I wish it would.
I stand up
And fall back down again,
Forever losing my way,
Forever losing my name
And wishing it all away.
It doesn't even matter,
You shouldn't even care
When only Death surrounds me
And captures me in its snare.
I've only learned of one thing,
I can do.
Kill my heart,
Kill my soul,
Kill myself for you.
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140,941 Literary Works • 673,772 Reviews
I really liked this. Especially the ending. It went out strong, with a roar, and really had a lasting echo that rang out to me. My advice though, would be to read it aloud or have someone read it aloud to you, because some parts really don't flow. The rhythm is a bit off in places, too. I think the biggest thing for me though, was that some stanzas rhymed and some didn't. If you're going to rhyme, make sure you have a purposeful pattern with it, rather than throwing them in here and there, and make sure you're not rhyming by accident. I have trouble with rhyme schemes sometimes too, so don't feel bad. Other than that this is a really great poem! With a little editing and nitpicking this could be a perfect piece!
Keep Writing!
~Lukan
I like the simplicity in your poem. Is this a suicidal poem? hehe. Cause I can't seem really to get it the first time I read it.
This stanza is a little confusing to me?
But this is my favorite.
So I think you should add more 'killing' words in your poem.
Because this sounds emotional, it would be great if you add some more expressions.
But this is good. Keep writing!
I love the poem. It is really intense and pulls you in. One thing that I didn't like was how you picked up a rhyme in the middle of it. Also, there are a few places where you made a new line that makes it sound strange. Other than those two things, I loved it! Keep on writing!