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the unyielding man

by TheSilverFox


(Note: I think this is going to be for the REPRESENT! contest.  I dunno if it's too subtle or convoluted for the contest, though.  Still, it's pretty good, and I should probably put more poetry out here anyways.)

The world owes us nothing
(as they say, it was here first),
yet here you are at the bank,
shouting at the teller
if he has any change to spare
and berating the security guard
who calmly has to remind you
that the past never places a dime
in the hands it doesn't like
(and still rules over us yet).

I love you for it, like I love
the willowy mornings you bring,
holding out your tattered clothes
to plead that I sing my graces,
close their bitter tears, and hope that,
maybe someday, the streets
will open before our parting lips,
the snakes will drown in our sea,
and we will make a boat to sail
over the newly hallowed ground.

In eons and parsecs, there is only you
when I peel back the masks and stages
and unfurl the fabric of my heart,
tearing myself on the city of axes
to thrust aside a frightened, hateful creature,
shatter the ass in the lion's skin,
and step between the world's cracks to land
somewhere in the quiet morning room
where one man has kept his lamp on
for me.


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Mon Nov 27, 2017 12:04 am
NightKaizer wrote a review...



HEELLO Silver Fox,

wow I realize I haven't done a review in a long, long time. Sorry if I'm a little rusty!
Three things I wanna go over will be length, content, and structure.
Length: Just right! Thanks for making it not so short and not so so long! I tell lots of people that readers don't like to read long, long content cuz often they don't have the time. Which brings me to...
Content: Welp, I can tell this guy is feeling pretty torn right now. Lots of emotion (maybe a little too much)? I wasn't sure what exactly it was about. Probably cuz I'm pretty rusty, don't take my word for it.
Structure: It doesn't rhyme which is totally fine! I can feel a rhythm and a fast pace!

To summarize, very unique poem! Just a little confusing. But then again, emotions are confusing eh?

NightKaizer




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Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:29 pm
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TheShauzer says...



That was incredible, really. I loved it.




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Mon Nov 06, 2017 9:22 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello TheSilverFox! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
The world owes us nothing
(as they say, it was here first),
yet here you are at the bank,
shouting at the teller
if he has any change to spare
and berating the security guard
who calmly has to remind you
that the past never places a dime
in the hands it doesn't like
(and still rules over us yet).

I love you for it, like I love
the willowy mornings you bring,
holding out your tattered clothes
to plead that I sing my graces,
close their bitter tears, and hope that,
maybe someday, the streets
will open before our parting lips,
the snakes will drown in our sea,
and we will make a boat to sail
over the newly hallowed ground. {WOAH THIS IS SUCH A STRONG STANZA GREAT JOB}

In eons and parsecs, there is only you
when I peel back the masks and stages
and unfurl the fabric of my heart,
tearing myself on the city of axes
to thrust aside a frightened, hateful creature,
shatter the ass in the lion's skin, {Um.... this will be my only negative comment, but does "ass" mean as in donkey or the other word? Because it's confusing here}
and step between the world's cracks to land
somewhere in the quiet morning room
where one man has kept his lamp on
for me.


My interpretation:



It is too subtle for the REPRESENT! contest, I do agree. I would put a metaphor or something in there representing gay love. Make it subtle or glaring, I don't care, but right now it just seems like a love poem and not a homo love poem.

Also, go homo.

Overall:



Overall, I really liked! The imagery, the metaphors, everything ties this poem up together into a beautiful little bow. Don't listen to Radrook below. None of those things distracts from the poem, and I think if you remove it, this poem will be much weaker :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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TheSilverFox says...


Thanks! Most of my metaphors take shots at the opposition (the past, snakes, city of axes, ass in the lion's skin (which does refer to a donkey, yes), etc.), but I definitely should include more on the nature of the relationship. In any case, I'm glad that you liked the poem, and that everything fits together. Since I don't think Radrook understood the first stanza (or the rest of the poem) that well, I might try to edit for the sake of clarity, but I won't get rid of my images; I agree with you, it would just make the poem weaker if I did so. All in all, thanks for the review!



zaminami says...


You're welcome



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Sat Nov 04, 2017 6:04 am
Radrook wrote a review...



First, you definitely have poetic ability and a good command of the English language, You are also gifted with a very fertile imagination-both of which are essential to produce good poetry.

For example, I like the part with the sea and hallowed ground and snakes drowning. Very nice! I also like the eons and parsecs part although I am sure that unlike me and others familiar with astronomical terms, most readers will have to pull out their dictionaries to look up the word “parsec” which means the distance traveled by light in three years.

However, I was constantly distracted by certain discrepancies. For example, the introduction is merely prose set up to make a stanza. That separates it from the far more intense poetical expressions included later in the poem and makes the narrator appear to be two different people. So since you do have the ability to use poetic language, I suggest that you make the first stanza more poetic in order to harmonize it with the intensely poetical rest. Otherwise it comes accross as character truncated.

The second thing that distracted me was that parenthetical remark describing the security guard reacting patiently while being harassed. Why? Well, because that isn’t how security guards at a bank typically react or are expected to react. If they do, then they run the serious risk of losing their job. So the suspension of disbelief is seriously tested here.


The third thing that distracted me was the expression “i love you for it” which made me ask “ love you for what?” the obnoxious anti social behavior? That immediately distances the reader from both the person who is obnoxious and the one who approve of it. So the mood created is of disaproval and disgust over stupid behavior and over theperson admiring and loving stupid behavior.

The fourth distraction was he refernce to stopping their tears because it seems to be referring to the tattered clothing.

The fifth distraction was the introduction of the cliche-"heart”. Please note that as soon as a poetry editor sees the word “heart” “ or “soul” in poem he throws the submission into the rejection basket.

The sixth distraction (and this is funny), is that you have the words “ass” and “crack” too close to each other. Did you intend this as a subliminal joke? If not it needs to be fixed.

As for the meaning of those last lines, you totally lost me since it seems completely unrelated to the introduction and to the previous imagery of a flooded landscape that has become hallowed ground. In short the imagery clashes.

Also, there is nothing endearing in the person described to justify the effusive expressions of unqualified devotion. So as a reader I was left unconvinced and baffled as to why the speaker feels that way.

In short, some parts of the poem show great promise and display impressive poetic ability. Other parts you seem to be groping for ideas and forcing imagery into the poem just for the sake of imagery. If you can correct those parts the poem will work.





To be absolutely certain about something, one must know everything or nothing about it.
— Olin Miller