Young Writers Society

HEELLO Silver Fox,

wow I realize I haven't done a review in a long, long time. Sorry if I'm a little rusty!
Three things I wanna go over will be length, content, and structure.
Length: Just right! Thanks for making it not so short and not so so long! I tell lots of people that readers don't like to read long, long content cuz often they don't have the time. Which brings me to...
Content: Welp, I can tell this guy is feeling pretty torn right now. Lots of emotion (maybe a little too much)? I wasn't sure what exactly it was about. Probably cuz I'm pretty rusty, don't take my word for it.
Structure: It doesn't rhyme which is totally fine! I can feel a rhythm and a fast pace!

To summarize, very unique poem! Just a little confusing. But then again, emotions are confusing eh?

NightKaizer

That was incredible, really. I loved it.

Hello TheSilverFox! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

My interpretation:

Overall:

This review courtesy of

First, you definitely have poetic ability and a good command of the English language, You are also gifted with a very fertile imagination-both of which are essential to produce good poetry.

For example, I like the part with the sea and hallowed ground and snakes drowning. Very nice! I also like the eons and parsecs part although I am sure that unlike me and others familiar with astronomical terms, most readers will have to pull out their dictionaries to look up the word “parsec” which means the distance traveled by light in three years.

However, I was constantly distracted by certain discrepancies. For example, the introduction is merely prose set up to make a stanza. That separates it from the far more intense poetical expressions included later in the poem and makes the narrator appear to be two different people. So since you do have the ability to use poetic language, I suggest that you make the first stanza more poetic in order to harmonize it with the intensely poetical rest. Otherwise it comes accross as character truncated.

The second thing that distracted me was that parenthetical remark describing the security guard reacting patiently while being harassed. Why? Well, because that isn’t how security guards at a bank typically react or are expected to react. If they do, then they run the serious risk of losing their job. So the suspension of disbelief is seriously tested here.


The third thing that distracted me was the expression “i love you for it” which made me ask “ love you for what?” the obnoxious anti social behavior? That immediately distances the reader from both the person who is obnoxious and the one who approve of it. So the mood created is of disaproval and disgust over stupid behavior and over theperson admiring and loving stupid behavior.

The fourth distraction was he refernce to stopping their tears because it seems to be referring to the tattered clothing.

The fifth distraction was the introduction of the cliche-"heart”. Please note that as soon as a poetry editor sees the word “heart” “ or “soul” in poem he throws the submission into the rejection basket.

The sixth distraction (and this is funny), is that you have the words “ass” and “crack” too close to each other. Did you intend this as a subliminal joke? If not it needs to be fixed.

As for the meaning of those last lines, you totally lost me since it seems completely unrelated to the introduction and to the previous imagery of a flooded landscape that has become hallowed ground. In short the imagery clashes.

Also, there is nothing endearing in the person described to justify the effusive expressions of unqualified devotion. So as a reader I was left unconvinced and baffled as to why the speaker feels that way.

In short, some parts of the poem show great promise and display impressive poetic ability. Other parts you seem to be groping for ideas and forcing imagery into the poem just for the sake of imagery. If you can correct those parts the poem will work.