The morning from out my window comes in search of my eyes
to smother them, bury them in a misty avalanche
of freedom from thought and mind and soul. emotions
are its playthings, its jokes, toys to chase, capture,
and eat like a bare-bones cat waiting for another meal
that will never come. it seeks sight to crush
under its feet, build a blissful ignorance that seeps
from the pores throughout its body and over its victims,
filling their heads with evening daydreams that they
can sleep again, come to bed and forget the world.
That the lights will turn on when the time comes,
and an assault can enter the mind composed of realizations,
forgotten deadlines, missed moments, charms and wonders,
souls to be twisted into knots and tied together
into beads displayed on the windows of shop doors.
And there they can change pattern every day, weaving
colorful rugs and mats, too fragile to be sold;
standing upon them leaves broken threads and memories you can hold
in your hand for the few seconds before they fade into dust
and fly away.
Until then, it notes with an eternal calmness,
you can drift above the pillow in blankets
wrapped softly around your frail embrace
and dream of the way that stardust tastes when it lands on your mouth,
complete with nostalgia of a time you don't even remember
but drifts at the edge of your mind, inviting you to chase it
through the streets and over the ocean. A misstep
will sweep you off of your feet, and you like Icarus will drown
in the sea while the memory carries itself beyond to groves
where silent and tranquil forest animals dance to ethereal music
and chide softly your sinking body, and the dead wood of trees
shakes your name over hills that long forgot how to breathe,
much less think.
Yet my mind is stuck in the afternoon today,
and cat's eyes glow green out of the dim brightness,
deciding that the time isn't later but it is now.
Inevitably, the lights must turn on, and
a surprise unwanted with a dream unchased is worse
than the world's armies bearing down upon my head,
here to remind me that the world is full of groves
I can visit, oceans I can cross, people I can become.
I am but a speck on a speck revolving around a speck
in a speck made of specks surrounded by specks,
more than I can possibly imagine.
And I prefer it that way.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
I love the poem honestly. Don't take my review hastily and negatively, because I completely understand the concept of what you are attempting to do throughout the poem.
Really, my only problem is your organization. I feel like you shouldn't end a sentence, then continue another one in the same line. I understand that this can be a stylistic preference, but my tip would be to press enter after every time you end a sentence. It makes it a lot easier to read and gives the reader time to understand what you just said. I understand, based on the premise of the poem and how you organized it, that you wrote this for a specific audience and did not intend for it to be easily read.
Despite this, our word choice is beyond impeccable. The use of metaphors and similes throughout gives me the rub that you are an elite poet, or have the potential to be one. Continue writing because I actually love this poem.
Your entire premise is complicated and incredibly difficult to understand. I don't think that it is a negative at all, for what you are intending the poem to be. You're a complicated and elaborate poet, and I honestly adore that. I would just consider tweaking your style to make it a little easier to read.
I am begging you to put more stuff out, because I truly adore your style and love your portrayal in this poem. Thank you for the masterpiece.
Hey there, Bailey! Thanks for the review! I appreciate your comments and suggestions, and I'll definitely be keeping them in mind, especially about the organization, which I wholeheartedly agree with. No, don't worry about my being too harsh and negative about your review; I respect criticism and honest opinions about my work. I was only irritated earlier because I received comments that were not about my work, but were about me and my writing. And that's where I draw the fine line between a helpful review and one that isn't. However, you never crossed that line, and you provided some legitimate and sound points, which I love. I'll definitely try to keep my sentences from ending and beginning on the same line, as well as making it a little easier to read. Yeah, I agree with points; they make sense, you use sound evidence and explanations, and I appreciate that you understand the intentional complexity and depth of the poem. Thanks!
I really want to review this but it's too good to edit and I never review without constructive criticism so here's my message just to say wow
This poem is definitely one I cannot comprehend. The whole thing is confusing and all over the place.
First of all, you put periods at the end of sentences and at the beginning of some you capitalized and others you didn't.
Secondly, this whole poem seemed like a very disorganized, short story that you split into stanzas and pressed enter after whatever word you felt like pressing enter after. That sentence might sound rude, but I don't know how else to phrase it. I am not trying to be mean I am just giving you my opinion. If you are meaning to make the piece so disorganized and confusing then you did what you set out to do. I am just giving my point of view. In the long run, I think you might want to get your thoughts together a little more, before writing another piece.
I don't really know what else to say about this poem, because I truly have no idea whether you actually meant to do things or didn't mean to because neither the punctuation nor grammar had any rhyme or reason. In the future, if you aren't trying to be confusing, write everything down and decide whether everything works well together and flows fluently.
Don't let anything I say discourage you from writing though. Keep doing you if this is how you want to write. Just wanted to give you my side.
Okay...I'm honestly not sure how to take this review. On one side, you did point out inconsistencies in my capitalization, punctuation, and the manner in which I created some of my lines, some of which I think I will change in the future. Thanks for pointing those out, as it was my habit during the time I wrote this (the earlier part of the month) to separate my lines in an uneven fashion, which, I've found, does not always produce beneficial results, and can hamper the impact of my poem.
However, my intention with the lack of punctuation and capitalization is a stylistic preference, based on using an unorthodox bending of spelling and grammar rules in a poem to produce a particular effect. Which, in this case, is supposed to be informal. Something similar can be said behind the seemingly disjointed lines, which were also used to punctuate dramatic effect at different points within the poem.
And frankly, I'm offended. You automatically assume that, because you can't understand the general thesis and ideas behind the poem, I obviously didn't put enough care or attention in thinking this out and writing it. That my intent was to write something confusing and frustrating for my readers to be agonized over. No, this poem is not meant to be easy to read. It is not meant to provide a blunt and direct message about a done-to-death topic that sticks in the reader's forehead. My intention was to craft a series of similes and metaphors, descriptive and figurative imagery, to build an elaborate tapestry on the disparity between dreaming and reality. If you devoted a sufficient amount of time into looking at the poem, dissecting it, and trying to come to understand the point I am trying to make, then I apologize posthaste for having disappointed you. You are my reader, and, if my audience is disappointed in my poem, then I have nobody to blame but myself. However, if you have not, I advise you to read over this poem again. I devoted a large amount of time and effort into creating it, and I did think about what I was writing before I went and wrote it, contrary to what you seem to be assuming. If you have not taken the time to analyze and contemplating the meaning of what I am attempting to communicate, when it should be fairly obvious that this is not something you can just read by skimming the surface and come to all the necessary conclusions, please do so.
Yes, this is "how I want to write." Thank you for your review, but please consider what you're going to say before you make the effort to say it. I was not trying to make a poem that was easy-to-understand, and that should've been fairly clear.
I said if that is what you meant, then my fault. I was giving you my opinion on what I thought a general consensus would be. But if that is how you meant to write it then it is exactly how is supposed to be written. Also, I did not just skim through. I read through a few times over and I understood the meaning, but I am saying that it was jumbled, but I didn't know if that is what you meant to do. To the public, I am saying, it would be confusing and disorganized, but in your reply you stated that is what you meant to do. That you were not going to for the public eye, but for a specific audience. I did not know that, so please don't take my review as being offensive.
Look, if you had just told me my poem was jumbled, pointed out specific examples, and made suggestions on how to improve, I would not have responded in the fashion that I did. In fact, I would be wholeheartedly thanking you - I like any criticism on my work, whether positive or negative. I was angry because you crossed the line between a review of a story and a review of the author. You strayed from commenting on my poem to come up with assumptions about the fashion in which I write, and that is something I do not appreciate. The same can be said for what you interpreted my goal to be. Why in the world would anyone want to deliver a message by purposely creating a jumbled poem? Please don't assume that you're speaking for a general consensus, or that you are speaking for the public - you are one person with specific opinions in a large group of people with differing opinions, and so it is hard to be able to accurately define a general consensus. Speak based on your own interpretations and thoughts, as I like differing opinions on my stories. They help me consider my audience, and allow to debate what exactly I need to work on.
No, I did not state that this was supposed to confused and disorganized, nor did I mean for this to be confused and disorganized and jumbled. Something not being easy to read does not equal confused and disorganized. I meant that it's not something you can read in a short amount of time; it's meant to be dived into, explored, and thought about. That's why I wrote it in the particular fashion I did. I am not aiming for a specific audience; I am inviting anybody to enter my poem and see what kind of a message they can discern from it. I tried my best to tie all of the imagery together and see that it produces a concise and strong poem. And, since that's a failure, I'm disappointed in my work, since it's evident I was unable to provide that experience. But you would've been better off pointing that out and explaining it to me, rather than being presumptuous about my writing style, the intentions of my poem, and my purpose, which I was why I was so annoyed.