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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Not Made To Satisfy

by TheSilverFox


Smoke billows from a decrepit
car engine, one newly minted
by unfortunate circumstances,
on a road not touching ground
from here to Eden.
So we are falling, you and I,
speaking poetry in incessant nagging
filled by the chorus of angels,
but not for much longer,
as neither of us can breathe
these fumes anymore.

I lead you across fields
covered in lavender,
a rare color bought from corner stores
where shady dealers stare you down
for touching the petals.
Here we can pretend
that they were created for us
by a poor farmer who found
he'd much rather make another's day
happier than his own.
(if we pretend enough,
we might just forget the time
when you had said that lavender
isn't your favorite color.)

Nights are rarely spent
sitting on the hood of a van
staring up at the sky
and making up constellations
we've never heard of before,
because neither of us
understands the stars well enough.
But I'm afraid to tell you
that is a satellite overhead,
not the arrow being fired
from the bow of that dreadful boy
trying to toss stones at us
to see if we will hold hands.

We waited a day,
and that was long enough.

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Sun Feb 28, 2016 11:03 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Heyo~

Ok so what we've got here is great imagery and things that sound so beautiful and poetic that my heart is breaking a little.

Also I have no idea what this poem is really about. It's about a relationship? Probably? But I'm not really sure because it's listed under satire.

Here's what I got from it:
First stanza: The narrator and Other fall from Eden (I would suggest changing "from here to Eden" to "from Eden to here" if they are indeed falling because it would create a stronger sense of direction).

Second stanza:
Is the lavender really lavender or is it metaphorical? It doesn't seem like a fall from Eden would be followed by something so beautiful but eh. Maybe they're going to Eden but it's tarnished because this is after the fall? Unsure. This stanza is a little tangent-y with the farmer. Unless I'm missing the point completely, which I could be.

Third stanza:
We're back at the car but not? The narrator is keeping something from the Other? Though it's within the thing that isn't happening? Then there's a boy throwing stones. And what did you wait a day for?

It starts out all right with the biblical reference, but then it is confusing. It's beautiful, but I think you're trying to get a point across that you're not. Unless that's the point. Unless this is satire because you want me to analyze it and really it's nothing. >.>

I hope that this rambling review proves useful to you somehow. Happy review day!




TheSilverFox says...


Hey! Thanks for the review! :D

Hmm...to be honest, my calling this a satire probably wasn't all that appropriate. I think my original purpose while writing this was to poke at love-based cliches by showing this couple trying to establish a relationship, but failing, while twisting a series of cliches and tropes to express their plight. Or perhaps maybe this was supposed to be a couple with a broken relationship trying to resurrect it, but failing. Thus, in that respect, given all of the tropes and cliches I mess with, it may be considered a satire. Regardless, I think perhaps defining this as a "satire" may have been as a mistake, as is evident by the way that it may be directing my readers in a direction I did not intend. And the blame, of course, falls upon me, as I'm supposed to be the one trying to communicate a particular point. So yeah, I'll see to removing that "satire" part, if I can.

Stanza 1: What I was trying to suggest in this stanza is that the couple is heading on a road stretching from "here to Eden." Or, basically, towards the paradise of a romantic relationship. However, their car has broken down, and now they're falling, or arguing and fighting, as they leave the ideal and head towards the present reality of their relationship.

Second stanza: It's metaphorical, yeah. To be honest, though, I probably should've made more clear that these stanzas are loosely tied together. They're all based on the repeated attempts of the couple to revive their relationship; in this case, the lavender represents a one-of-a-kind relationship, a beautiful flower.

...And now that I think about it, this stanza is a little ambiguous. I'm trying to communicate the importance of the lavender and the impossibility of the couple to do so, but I try to do so in two different ways at two different places in the stanza. At the beginning, it's like I tried to say that they are faced with the harsh reality that such a relationship is impossible, but instead they're wandering through fields of exactly that relationship. At the end, however, I express that the Other doesn't feel like their relationship is one-of-a-kind; she doesn't live lavender. Thus, the stanza seems a little ambiguous, and I think I may edit that one as well.

Third stanza: In this case, they're resting on the hood of the car that tried to spirit them away, but failed to do so, while trying anything to, once again, revive their relationship. The narrator, meanwhile, is conflicted. He understands the reality of the situation, once again, but he doesn't want to tell her because of what she sees (which is supposed to be some kind of reference to Cupid, but I probably should've made it more clear), as she is trying to grasp the relationship he's still, deep down, hoping to foster.

And the final few words were supposed to suggest that they were waiting, hoping for a change, for a revival, but their efforts were for naught in the end. Their relationship has effectively falling apart.

...Yeah, I'm sorry about that. This poem is very confusing, now that I think about it. I tried to communicate a point, but it's evident that the manner in which I did it was neither effective nor powerful. Once again, dreadfully sorry about that. However, thank you for your review; it made me think about, and ponder the meaning of, this poem a lot, and I will definitely keep this in mind the next time I write a poem (which, thanks to the PvW Tournament, will be soon).

Thanks! :D



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Mon Feb 08, 2016 9:31 pm
hemi828 wrote a review...



Great poem! It must be very personalized and talk about your experiences or something because I'm having a hard time understanding the message. I loved the lines about "a poor farmer who found he'd much rather make another's day". It doesn't have rhyme (or I just don't see it? I don't know) but it's still a VERY enjoyable read. Write on :)




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Mon Feb 08, 2016 5:47 pm
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null25 wrote a review...



I love this! Your poetry is beautiful, TheSilverFox, and I just love this poem. It's just so personal to you, which almost keeps me out from understanding it, but in a very good way, if that makes sense. This poem is an enigma to the reader upon first glance, as most GOOD deep poems are, and it only gets more mysterious the second time through. The third time, though, is when the connections are being made, and the actual complexity of the poet's emotions being demonstrated are revealed, dragging you deeper into the poem and into the mind of this poet, with whom you sympathize-even empathize!-just based on the words on this page. It's crazy, and you should know that this is how it looks to a reader. The metaphors in this poem are just deep enough that anyone can understand them after reading it several times, while still being just difficult enough to understand that the poem still maintains its integrity, which is VERY hard to do (I sure as hell can't do it in any way that even comes close to what you've done in this poem).I wish I could hear more about this relationship, because this poem just leaves you craving it. Great job!!!!!!! I hope this made sense to you, but if it didn't, just know that it's all positive!!!





Time is not your best friend - unless you use it wisely.
— Marco Pierre White