"So this is what it must be like
to feel high
without any of the drugs,"
I muse to myself
as I wait for the lampshades
to catch fire,
breathing in and out and in and out
over and over again,
rapidly, swiftly, speedily,
trying to whistle when I can't,
enjoying all the free oxygen
and disregarding all decency.
"What a night to be alive,"
I muse to myself
as I wait for the lampshades
to catch fire,
singing and dancing and otherwise moving
over and over again,
rapidly, swiftly, speedily,
trying to live when I can't,
because reality is too far away,
and I think I might pass out.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey, I'm here for a quick review. I'm not good at poetry, so bear with me.
So, you've heard about proses and poems better be tight - and that tightness can only be achieved using fewer words that convey the same meaning, only more powerful. The third line, for instance. 'without the drugs' says the same as 'without any of the drugs', just in fewer words and more direct. It delivers the meaning straight to the point.
I love the repetition, and encourage it whenever it feels necessary. This one, however, is too long a line. Breaking it between 'out and 'in' will create a pause, making the two lines flow more. Say it out loud, and you can see how the break makes us focus more on the words.
This line is unnecessary - redundant. The previous line tells this point enough. Like I said, tighter poem.
Adverbs galore! Adverb is good when you use it occasionally, but placing three of it together in one line is just calling for readers to guess what 'rapidly', 'swiftly', and 'speedily' are like. Plus, some can say these three are close in meaning. This is a good opportunity to show rather than to tell.
Again, this is too much telling. How does 'reality is too far away'? Too far away like the snow in your tropical surrounding? Might pass out? Why? Elaborate. RIght now, we don't have enough substance to fully understand these lines.
Anyway, this poem is pretty short. The meaning is largely conveyed through a simple scene in which the persona observes the lampshade. It's pretty vague, so I suggest to elaborate it more. Rather than giving us just the persona's observation, give us a bit insight from him. How does the lampshade relate to him, that sort of thing.
Anyway, that's all! Keep it up!
Hello! Congratulations; you're my 300th review! (No, you don't get a prize.)
This a wonderful poem; very descriptive and very interesting. I like where you've broken the lines- the semi-irregular spacing gives the poem an offbeat feel and I like the repetition between the two stanzas, it adds to the maddened feel of the poem and also I personally feel like it makes it seem like time is passing, though I'm not sure why.
Onto a more detailed and concrete analysis, in your second stanza, I'm not really feeling the word "otherwise". I don't think it adds anything, nor does 'moving' that much; it seems like a let down to go from the more descriptive words like singing and dancing to the more generic word moving, and the otherwise does nothing to help it. Kind of feels like a filler to make your syllables work out how you want them to (and the syllables work out really well by the way; the poem has a lovely flow), but I might try to think of a more creative word choice for that particular spot.
Also, I'm not sure if the 'over and over again' is necessary. I know it further emphasizes the repetition of the breathing/moving, but I feel like the 'breathing in and out and in and out' already gets the point across, at least in the first stanza. Speaking of which, I really dig that line and how you didn't put any commas in it so you have to read it faster and it feels like the person is breathing faster in a sort of crazed fashion and it was really effective punctuation there.
I find it interesting that he/she is 'disregarding all decency' when it seems as if no one else is around. Normally, decency isn't something we think much about when we're alone, or maybe it's because s/he is alone that he/she is able to disregard the decency when in public or even around family members. Both concepts are intriguing.
I get a bit confused in the second stanza (I'm not sure if this is on purpose or not) whether s/he is singing and dancing etc. or the lampshades are, and if the lampshades are trying to live when he/she can't. I think that's a really interesting concept as well, so if you meant it to be the lampshade, maybe make it more clear by differentiating it in some way from the first stanza as such. If not, you could probably leave it the way it is and no one else'll make that mistake; I'm not even sure why I thought it was talking about the lampshade for awhile. I understood it was the person in the first stanza.
I love the last two lines; how 'because reality is too far away' seems so expressive and stuff, and the 'and I think I might pass out.' far more matter-of-fact, like it's bringing them back to reality.
The title of the poem (sorry this review jumps around so much) is well thought out too; there were a lot of poems in the green room when I was looking for something to review, but the title on this one drew me in so now here I am. Great job there.
It's a pretty descriptive poem, however I'm not really sure what's going on. S/he isn't on drugs, is it just that he/she is crazy? Or what's going on here, and why don't we get to know anything else about the person? And why are they so fixated with the lampshade; is it supposed to symbolize something, or was it just something they were looking at, and why do they think they're going to catch fire? Unfortunately, I don't understand that part, or whether or not they're actually going to catch fire or it's just in their mind. But I like the sense of foreboding that the specific imagery brings.
Well, I hope this review helped; keep on writing. It was a good read.
-tgirly
And in case I'm not on tomorrow, Happy Anniversary of Your YWS Membership!