Young Writers Society

Wow. Honestly, I was hooked from the beginning. This is my type of poetry and the emotion you created blossomed beautifully as it progressed. The structure is spread out enough, not too jumbled or lengthy, so the read flows gently. Word choice is also an essential key you rocked in this piece. The diction isn't too much, it fits a lot better than simple word choice. Each stanza draws me in with the first sentence, I tried to pick one but that is far too difficult. Your literary devices are implemented keenly, and grammatical errors are essentially non-existent. This is beyond a well-rounded piece that I thoroughly enjoy and I hope to come across more of your writing!

Your Friend,

Cheaper

Wow. Honestly, I was hooked from the beginning. This is my type of poetry and the emotion you created blossomed beautifully as it progressed. The structure is spread out enough, not too jumbled or lengthy, so the read flows gently. Word choice is also an essential key you rocked in this piece. The diction isn't too much, it fits a lot better than simple word choice. Each stanza draws me in with the first sentence, I tried to pick one but that is far too difficult. Your literary devices are implemented keenly, and grammatical errors are essentially non-existent. This is beyond a well-rounded piece that I thoroughly enjoy and I hope to come across more of your writing!

Your Friend,

Cheaper

Aaaaand yes. Wow. I really liked it

This poem was great SilverFox! It started a bit vague, I found, and you have to change 'becoming' to 'beckoning' in the last line of the first stanza, but after that the poem just kicked off.

Your vocab, you made use of it excellently. Not long words, but words that fit their purpose.

"and I cannot beat an
uncaring mind."

That and the part above it (that whole sentence) was, for me, the best part. It felt the most personal; stanza upon stanza of making us sympathize with this person, and then all of a sudden there was a touch of futility in your own situation. I loved how quickly I realized after this that the poem wasn't just about this person giving up, but about how he's not the only victim. About how you have "seen the chasm" too, and how you know what it's like. The development of the piece really was well executed.

But that's all technical stuff, I can't comment on grammar because it was pretty perfect apart from that 'becoming' thing I mentioned, and your punctuation was great too. My one and only criticism would be that the sentence I loved - on a second reading - is a whole stanza. I didn't mind it too much because of the fact that the entire poem is like this (long sentences) but this one doesn't have the commas to separate it up. I ended up rambling my words and jumbling everything up at the end of it. Too choppy, I think, and I'd really recommend to clear it up a bit. Don't change a word - for the sake of my happiness with that stanza if nothing else - just introduce a comma, maybe after "common sense".

Hope I helped, really, but there's not that much to improve on. The emotion put into this piece shone through just as much as anything else, and for the sake of giving it an extra boost and putting this poem right up there, I would add another stanza. If it doesn't work for you, then don't do it, because I hate it when people criticize my decision to not take their advice, but I'd recommend talking about yourself to finish up. Maybe link it more to the 'chasm' you've seen, or talk about how much he/she is hurting you, something along those lines - then put the current last line after that.

Again, I hope I helped - it's a great piece.
Yours in ink,
TS.