Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
I. No, I was almost afraid to tell her,
Your treehouse won't burn down
with you inside of it,
clawing at the walls in desperation
like a cornered rat,
though I must say you won't be unlucky
enough to drown.
And then we went walking together,
Traveling down sandy beaches
without the flair or the excitement
of tourists looking to bury themselves
in coral reefs, pile sand on top of their friends
and post the scene to social media,
hoping for a like.
No, rather, it was more of a gray sky
that had fallen upon our mood,
or as we believed it to be,
because nothing feels stranger than to take
what you had formerly beloved
and treasured and displayed on the shelf
for all entering your home to see
and put it into the boxes formerly unused,
the ones you never thought you would,
until now.
We kicked pebbles into sand dunes
to watch as they fell apart, crawling
onto our toes and pleading for some water
to drink, bony tendrils
crawling up my leg and whispering,
pleading, hoping.
But we were dry too, and I moved
only slightly, but it was enough to break free,
shattering remnants of what was once
and never again will be,
because everyone knows how fragile
rock that has been beaten into near-nothingness
can be.
II. It was Monday, and yet we didn't feel pain.
You had a diploma in your hands,
but I was left as an empty shell
and with a half-written message
beside a broken bottle.
I cut myself, and yet I didn't bleed.
She wanted to embrace me, to hold me close,
beside the house with rows of flowers
beginning to wilt under a harsh sun
too powerful to be stopped by any mortal force.
I told her no, I was tired, I wanted
to walk into the shade of an icy bedroom
where all my hopes and dreams could
stand, broken and torn and hurt,
and gaze upon me with the same cruelty
by which I had removed them in the past.
She stepped over the broken fence torn
from its simple little post in the ground
when she and I were only but ten,
with those shovels and a wide mind,
but never with the realization that the fence
was holding something in place
that both of us didn't know we would value
until we needed it.
But you never needed it.
III. No, you were almost afraid to tell me,
You won't drown in the bottom of the ocean
trapped in a submarine falling apart,
clawing at the walls in desperation
like a drowning rat,
though I must say you won't be unlucky enough
to burn.
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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi there.
). I just keep rereading your poem and then scrolling down to look at all of the wonderful reviews you've gotten, and I can't find anything wrong with it besides the little things that've already been mentioned. But, in interest of keeping my promise, I will at the very least proceed to shower you with praise.
I know I said I would review this, and I haven't forgotten (obviously
First of all, your title is absolutely beautiful.
Moving on --->>>>
Okay, I lied -- I do have some constructive criticism.
By the time your reader gets to the second line of that section, they have to wait, wait and go back to find out what verb you're indicating the use of after "you never thought you would..." I would just put "use" at the end of that line. It would clear things up and make the reading of that stanza flow smoother.
However, besides that, I absolutely love the ideas you have circulating there. The premise of packing up past indulgences in boxes is a relatable metaphor and really resonates. Plus, it fits perfectly with the claustrophobic feelings emanating throughout the rest of your work.
I think this was already mentioned in one of your other reviews, but the connection between the rock and fragility doesn't sit right with me. They're nearly opposites, and it would take a lot of force to shatter a rock into pieces. You're almost able to clean up those oddities with "beaten into near-nothingness", since that phrase alone indicates tremendous force. But it still separates itself from the rest of the stanza, where I'm getting a "pebbles crumbling away" feeling (possibly due to the phrase "we kicked pebbles into sand dunes to watch as they fell apart"). There's a fragile air about it, and when you try to fit in bigger things like beating a rock so hard it smashes, it's kind of going from 0 to 100.
This is my favorite part. Favorite. The metaphor of the fence is so powerful. I interpreted this as the girl overstepping her bounds and disregarding the line between [two things I'm not sure how to define], but then, later realizing that the separation was important. It was like a set of rules that seemed strict and confining at first, but the breaking of them so early led to heartbreak later on. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what you meant with it, but I kind of like the ambiguity.
Lastly, I absolutely adored how you connected the first and last stanzas. You made them the inverse of one another, and I can't get over how perfect it is. I can't get over it. The poem goes through a kind of metamorphosis from start to finish. At the beginning, you used to believe you were the person who could save this other girl, but at the end, she was the one trying to save you (presumably a rescue mission you didn't ask for). I think that the entire piece is somewhat enigmatic / ambiguous. There are so many hidden messages behind the metaphors you used; messages that take time to unravel. But that's one of the things I, personally think is fantastic.
I'm sorry for the lack of, well, everything in this review. But sometimes there're things whose beauty is unexplainable, and cannot be classified under euphoric, nostalgic, or just plain terrifying, and this work is one of those things for me. I'm probably not making any sense, haha.
Regardless of my rambling, this has to be one of my favorite things on YWS.
Best of wishes
Sav
this is okay.
this has some good and bad things. you use a lot of faux poetics that turns off the reader, and too
many
one liners
to make it
look cool.
that's bound to turn off the reader, too. i do like how you manage to tell a fluent story throughout the poem, yet just let it flow. don't aim to be anything higher, don't aim to be anything lesser. realize that you can achieve middle ground and still have a fluent product. if you overaim, it's going to be a muddled mess. the separating of stanzas by I, IV, and all that jazz pplus what you name your poetry collections reminds me of a user named Stranger, but i don't know. don't be like him.
thanks.
Silverfox,
This poem speaks to me as one of intense hurt, a betrayal. Envy for what was not had and a realization of a golden past of dreams and ambition. We have what I would think are two best friends drifting apart with the realization of these emotions: one of them drowning in need, and the other, burning in hate or envy. I think by the end, there is a sort of reversal? That at least, is my loose interpretation of the content. Let's dig into the poetics, shall we?
We enter this poem in the double-negative syntax, and what is achieved is this brow-furring, tone-driven mangledness of a first stanza. Compelling? Certainly so, and raw? Quite!
Now, the rhythm of this poem wants to race us ahead without a pause for breath, drumming us along forwards and backwards through time. Do you see the disconnect?
When we're led through a maze of many branches and vines and brambles and we go through this maze fast as lightening without time to pause and collect, we're going to trip and fall and graze our knees.
I'm sure that part of this is what makes the experience of the poem - the pain of it sort of echoes the speaker's pain, and the confusion of it adds to the shared experience. But if we aren't careful, the readers begin to question whether they've fallen because of the skill of the poet, or because of the lack of the poem. And we never want the reader to question the poet, we want the reader to trust the poet. Yes, you've fallen, but sit tight, you're in for a ride yet! Not -- oh crap, where's the seat-belt on this thing? Does it have any?
So let's get those seat belts in order, eh? Metaphor aside, as a poet, the question: how do we preserve the experience and the rawness without completely mangling the reader? This is a fine balance, I'm going to point out the brambles and you let me know if the integrity of the piece is still preserved, because the tone and the intensity and the musicality and the imagery here is fantastic. We're just a little caught up on the finicky words.
First thing's first, we have a lot of speech-image-speech-image transitions. That in combination with negative syntax tangles one up a bit. Maybe simplify it: speech-image-speech, by moving the "I was almost afraid to tell her" part down to the next to last line in that stanza.
One other thing I've noticed that tangles things up is the amount of pronouns here, we have a speaker, a "you" and a "her" but it seems that "her" is the "you" so maybe just abolish all uses of "her" OR change all uses of "you" to "her". Don't just make the change in the first stanza either, comb through the entire poem and you'll see how you/her is used interchangeably. In a polish work, that'll never fly. Pick one and stick to it! Never compromise!
If you do make the changes above, I'd also recommend adding a pronoun before the clawing. So you get:
No - your tree house won't burn down with you inside of it
you're clawing at the walls in desperation like a cornered rat
I was almost afraid to tell you, though I must say
you won't be unlucky enough to drown.
(If you decide to go with the third-person pronoun "she/her", that'll sound just as fine.)
Stanza two reads lovely. I'd only suggest fixing the parallelism. You have "walking" and "looking" You're going to want to change "pile" to "piling" and "post" to "posting".
For stanza three, I'm going to echo previous reviewers regarding the "beloved" line. You want a verb, not a noun or an adjective. By the by, LOVE the sounds in this stanza and the transition of "unused" to "would". I can see why "beloved" makes sense sound-wise, it sounds wonderful paired with those other words, but I still advise in changing it. You still end up with beautiful sounds and you clear up some of those brambles.
Stanza four, again, your sound culminates nicely. "crawling / onto our toes and pleading for / / some water to drink" That is so visceral! I am picturing the dryness of the sand almost glued onto a leg and begging for that water. I love, love, love the way that you're able to focus on the image and personify it. It is the essence of this desperate thirstyness, the emotion here is well conveyed.
Now, conversely this line:
"because everyone knows how fragile / rock that has been beaten into near-nothingness/
can be." is not a favorite. You have these beautiful phrases and imagery, but it is jarring when you have "rock" and "fragile". Even if you beat a rock, it's still pretty solid, so the image doesn't work. I think you can come up with something better. Perhaps "dust" ? Instead of rock. Or maybe, let's not quite spell it out for the reader and show the reader instead? Something along the lines of how "rock beaten into dust" and you can scratch out "near-nothingness" because the image of rock beatened or grinded into dust already implies that for you.
Get rid of this line "
too powerful to be stopped by any mortal force." You don't need it. Let us dive right in.Use "only ten" or use "but ten" -- not both.
I just want to say this is my favorite part of the poem:
This is the turn that makes sense of everything that comes before and it is full of authenticity of voice. There is a truth being spoken and a genuine vulnerability and I can stop here and snap my fingers/clap my hands whatever, and say yes! I feel that. I relate to that. I actually think you don't need that last stanza. I understand what the last stanza is doing in tying it back up in a bow, but this poem doesn't need to be neatly wrapped. I understand there is a tie-in to the beginning, but we already feel the tie-in to the beginning in the realization of what this poem is about. I also understand the motifs you have with the burning and the drowning. The motifs are a wonderful concept, and I think it's executed better without the last stanza as an explanation because instead, you're using the motifs consistently throughout the poem. The imagery with the beach and the dry sand and the thirstiness in stanza four truly conveys an aspect of drowning. The mightiness of the sun wilting the flowers to burnt crisps in stanza six conveys an aspect of burning.
Truly, truly, you don't need that last stanza. Hammer us with that "you never needed it line" and let us marvel back at it.
I hope this helps,
~ as always, Audy
Hey there! I liked this, and I'm getting tired of reviewing novel chapters, so I thought I'd review this. You get the dubious honor of being my 250th review, by the way. xD
So. I like the feeling you have here - to me, it's almost nostalgia, but with a realization that things back then were pretty crappy too. It's a nice mix of regret and loss but also relief that you've moved on? Or at least, that's how it made me feel.
Overall, the main thing that's holding this back for me is something I see in a lot of poetry. It's a problem with word choice. You chose words that, while they are specific, don't really convey a lot of emotion and end up reading a lot more like formal writing than a poem. They also tend to contribute to awkward sentence structure. It's like poets try to convey things in complicated ways, when sometimes simplicity really is best.
Here's a few examples:
Here, aside from the fact that it should be "loved," not beloved (since beloved is an adjective, not a verb), the place where this falls down is "formerly." It's just a formal, awkward word that doesn't convey the emotion that "once" or "used to" could. It especially doesn't work the second time with "boxes" - that whole sentiment just felt like it was worded awkwardly.
Your tense is also a bit wonky in this stanza - I think "all entering" would be better as "all who entered," for example.
Again, "only but ten" make it feel more of that grandiose, storytelling type poem that distances the reader emotionally, and "with the realization" can be stated so much more simply and powerfully as "never knowing"
Also in that stanza, "didn't know we would value / until we needed it" doesn't make a lot of logical sense to me. Of course you don't value something until you need it.
The one other thing I'll say is that sometimes I think you use too many commas - they're grammatically correct, but the reader winds up pausing way too often in some places and that breaks the flow of the piece, particularly in your fourth stanza.
Also, try not to be vague. Things like "what once was" and "what will be" just are vague and boring and only muddy the waters.
Regardless, I did enjoy this - I loved the first and last stanzas and the bookending, as well as a lot of the imagery, especially in the fourth stanza. Really, it's mostly the window dressing that needs some help.
And that's all I've got! Sorry if this seemed harsh, and if you have any questions, just ask.
Hey, Silv! I needed a break from chapters... so alas, I've come here!
Your beginning stanza(?- I think those are stanzas) really pulled me in. I really like the tree house bit! It has just the right balance of childness and sinisterness. C:
I felt that you didn't convey what you wanted to say in paragraph (we'll call them paragraphs for now because I can't poet words) three as well as you could have. It starts off pretty solid with the grey sky morphing into their mood, but then the rest feels a bit like it goes nowhere- not trying to be mean by the way! I just kind of feel like it kind of goes in circles a bit. I think what might help is if you make what you're trying to get at in that bit more clear. I know in poetry stuff isn't always supposed to be obvious, but at the same time if we're confused about what the analogy is supposed to be saying, it doesn't really give us much to take away. Also, it kind of feels like you go off-topic, starting off with the sky = mood bit and then going into something that is set up like it's supposed to be explaining the sky = mood, but it doesn't- or at least I didn't catch on.
This is from the same paragraph that I was just talking about, but I wanted to quickly point out something that might help it be more concise. An amazing women once told me to "choose one". As much as it is incredibly painful to decide, less really is more when it comes to adjectives.
This is a very promising line! I got excited reading this- and then, you cut it off with "near-nothingness". I feel like this could be a lot stronger if you find something that has a little more "umph" to it. You could essentially do anything here! What do you want to beat your rock into? I don't want to suggest any because I don't like stealing the ideas
This is almost the same as my other comment, but I think it's a bit different. Here I feel like you could make this line stronger by removing "beginning to" and ad an "ing" to "wilt". I'm only saying this because I really think your poetry could benefit from less adverbs and adjectives. And that's the thing, you've got some really great stuff here- reading this made me want to go and read some of your other poetry, and I don't read poetry a lot for pleasure (I do, but not very often, and I seldom feel like seeking poetry out!). AKA, I really liked this poem of yours! XD
Anyway, keep it up!- I hope to read more from you soon C: Also, don't you feel special? You got my 200th review!
-Socks
Dope, Silv. This is nice.
Oh my God. Like, <3
Remind me to review this later, when I have words.
*beep*