Car.
I. I prefer sitting content,
Even if it means staring up
At the boring gray lining
Above my head, my brother
Unable to talk to me,
As my mind is wandering
Through fields of ignorance,
(Like what is the lining is made of,
But I'd probably rather not know)
And the idea that I'd be fine
If Death were to take me now,
Because I'm sick of being afraid
Of his gaunt appearance
And his always being too early to the party.
II. I used to believe that
If I close my eyes in the car
And open them up later,
I would've traveled forward
In both time and space.
Which is the truth, of course,
But it was in my young head
That it happened in an instant,
And I was always surprised
To see something entirely different
From what I last remembered.
I still am.
III. There is a mother
Dissauding her child from holding
That puffy white snowball
He seems to be so eager about
Actually using it on something;
I think he wants to throw it at me.
Now the mother has dispatched it,
Having knocked it from her child's hand,
And then wiping the snow from his glove;
He doesn't seem very happy,
But he isn't crying either.
He looks up at the figure
That is looming over him,
Pointing towards the broken remnants
Of what was once his possession,
And asking to pick it up again.
She rejects his inquiry,
But, by then, I must watch
As they fade behind hills of drivers,
And a landscape of white and brown
(The grass has all died by now).
All I can do now is wonder
Whether or not the child understands
That there is far more snow around him,
And he can muster the energy
To make yet another snowball,
Though perhaps his mother will
Wipe it from the face of the earth
As well.
IV. The birds have gone and
Decorated dad's car yet again;
He tells me it's not the color
That he wanted it to be.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
I love this and am very intrigued! I love your flow and pov on a lot of things. The only thing that bugs me is the parentheses. its okay, I guess, but it still bothers me.... Otherwise, its all good! Just keep up the good work to keep your readers interested!!!! I really hope my review has helped. I also hope it keeps you motivated to write more!!!!
Rock on!!!!!
Thanks,
SpencerReidIsMyLife
Oy, it's me and I don't like preface.
Part one is much weaker than the remaining pieces because you take the existential sorbet you're working on giving us spoon by spoon and instead dump the carton on our laps. It all works until you flat-out give us Death and How You Don't Mind Him On Your Terms. The sentiment is not a bad sentiment but certainly needs to be better decorated and veiled. Just--before anything else--take this section and figure out how to make it less obvious and difficult to take under the tongue.
Part two and beyond suffers in the form of flow due to your writing like you're more educated and well-versed than the reader. Proper syntax and grammar is good, but when it nears the line of the poet sounding as though he's talking to the ceiling because all the plebs are so far below him, you need to rethink your poetic voice--and that's not as big a criticism as it sounds. Poetic voice naturally evolves over time; and if I'm being honest, sometimes it doesn't grow towards the accessible and pleb-friendly. Mine did, so this all comes with a bias, but you need to assess your goals in poetry and whether you want to convey exactly what is in your head exactly the way it is in your head and maybe impress some scholars, or have what is in your head translated into a language a person of similar being may need to speak. Like I said, I'm biased, but in a hundred lifetimes of poetry, I'd choose the latter.
Side-note before I move on: I don't usually care about capitalization in poetry because my style is a sin of omission, but your choice to capitalize the beginning of each line both interests and bugs me. The lines don't work as standalone phrases. They don't accomplish bonus material. They're just the way they are because they are the way they are. I'm more interested than bugged, but. Please tell me.
"I was always surprised to see something entirely different from what I last remembered. I still am." Best quote in the entire piece, though still wordy. If you ever get a flow-thirst, talk to me and I'll scrape deeper into this, but know that it's a fantastic sentiment, but the cadence isn't up to snuff.
Part three is your full-on narrative that brings on the existential reflection that I was thirsty for (omitting part I's sin of obviousness). Again, it suffers from being wordy and the flow is clunky, but it all builds together nicely in the end, which I can appreciate. I'm not crazy about the final lines because really it seems to unnecessarily villainize the mother further than she needs to be without accomplishing anything else. Consider it during revision.
Part four is that final mellow flavor that rounds out the experience, and I'm heavily appreciative of it. This is the level of obvious statement that you can reach before it goes too far. Consider this as a limit when revising part I.
All-in-all, decent sentiments with flawed execution and flow, which brings it into the area of an average reading experience. While in the end I ultimately enjoyed the experience, it's not something I would invest in as a consumer, so in that regard I wouldn't consider it publishable. You have the makings, though.
Hope this helps,
Ty