The Epiphanies

Hey Foxy,

Happy Review day!

I think you do a good job with the refrain. It's a good choice. You could probably add in some sort of bridge if you wanted to between the second to last and last stanza that plays on the idea and creates a new idea from the idea that's already presented in the bridge, and that would make it more lyrical, and then also putting the refrain at the very end.

Overall the flow of this is really good, but you've got a different issue that I think is a bit more important than the flow. Right now the poem is pretty standard practice. You don't have many new metaphors, if any real metaphors, you're talking about things in a very realistic way. You're not really exploring the figurative and presenting anything that everyone doesn't already recognize. If you really focus in on making this a better poem, you'll probably want to offer up some sort of language that presents a new idea, and one of the best ways to do that with how much is already out there, is to provide a metaphor we can cling to. The closest you have is blowing away in the wind when in reality, when we cremate people and toss the ashes to the wind, that really is what happens, so, it's not that figurative.

If you pick a metaphor about death that you really want to use, you can incorporate it into your poem and really push the senses over the edge beyond just pain and fear. Really get after those things in your poetry now that you have skill enough to make it smooth and pleasant to read.

It might help you to check out some of the resources like Kiss My Assonance which lists things that are poetic devices that you could use to really explore an idea in a poem. Get creative with it! The more creative you get, the better your poem is going to be.

I like the way you are writing because after you write something you go back to that in the

end.

And I would like to talk to you about the way you write it is different from what other people

write but you could write in a better way by adding more to each stanza,and you need to have

more action the the things you write.

Also if I quote every time you say this you go back to that at the end (Bury me on the

mountainside,and don't shed a tear for me.) and this is one of those things that you need to

add more things.

Also you need to add more action to the way you write because right now the way you are

writing you will never be able to get better if this is the way you write,and if this is the way

you write you need to challenge your self the be a better writer because right now even

thought you have 2 star you could have more if you wrote a little more better.

Also one more thing before I go you could be a better writer if you tried harder and wrote

more.

Also if you keep writing I think you will get what I am trying to say,and also if you could

write more because you have a gift to write.

And if you decide to write another poem tell me please.

Hello!
Wonderful idea! Amazing and unique theme! CoNgRaTuLaTiOnSS!!
The refrain is very nice and catchy. It is the sort that i would love to push in a conversation between my friends and me.
Your idea of making death sound like a gradual process and peaceful is "cool"!
The ending of the poem, which is of course death, is optimistic in a very opposite manner. Like, i don't know how to describe it but when you read the last line it leaves my face with a small smile.
Lastly, your poem is perfect when it comes to grammar and periods and stuff. But why the brackets?
I loved your poem and i wish you all the luck to keep writing!
Loves and regards..